E.T. Phone Holmes

One vice I've been a bit better on taming has been my addiction to stupid celebrity news. When I say "better on taming", I mean that I very, very rarely buy tabloids anymore. (most likely since I don't care about the Kardashians at all. Who are they? Wait, I don't care.) The intrigue was that seeing celebrities crash and burn helped me feel better about never having money. Since, as I've learned in Hollywood, money and fame equal head shaving and paparazzi-bruising shortly after. And not-so-flattering photos of our once-beloved "heroes".

I remember the day that Britney Spears posed on Rolling Stone "provocatively", and it was a huge deal. (Wait, was she only like, 16 at the time? Was she ever 16? Since then that is kind of gross. How old am I?) I remember watching the video and thinking, "she may be the prettiest girl in the world." So when you're an impressionable freshman in high school, you naturally wanted to know what she was up to, and what glamorous things she was doing. Even if you didn't really listen to her music that much besides on the radio in the car, and were wearing a Ben Folds Five ringer tee while singing along.

And then the decline. All of a sudden Britney was featured in "Who Wore It Better?" and lost by a considerable amount. The normie in you thinks, "she has a professional stylist, but still looks like garbage! I look like garbage every day! She's a Celebrity but she's Just Like Us!" And so on, and so forth, and abusing a car with an umbrella, and Federline, and so on. And you just want to look at that Rolling Stone cover and tell Britney what her future would be like. And you'd also want to tell her that you'd like it if she never touched the dance music scene, even though she will, and that Aguilera was also in it for the long haul.

But why do I still care? It's not like I was her second cousin or anything.

I guess it's pity. I can sit and complain about a stressful day, but at least nobody is trying to make money off of my misery. And, at least she had talent. Say what you will, but nobody makes it that far in the music world without talent. Except Nickelback.

Anyway!

I've compiled a list of celebrities that I still care about. Whether they were my dumb idols growing up, or whether or not I still think they have talent. It's a short list.

1. Katie Holmes


Oh, Katie Holmes. You had everything I dreamed I could have: Good hair, and Joshua Jackson. Obviously she made it big on Dawson's Creek as the guarded, snarky Joey Potter, who had this thing where she liked Bighead Dawson Leery, and then he liked her, but then she liked Jack, and then he liked Jen, and then I think they both liked other people since I missed a season near the end, and then she ended up with Pacey. I was so into this show for awhile that I actually had an e-mail NEWSLETTER about it. And even worse, I wrote the SATIRE FANFIC for the newsletter. And I also had a wall in my room dedicated to the show, which I ripped down the second Dawson drunkenly fell into his birthday cake*. But I digress!

Here's a girl who was seriously plucked out of high school for a pilot, and was thrown under the spotlight when it was successful. I liked her since she kept certain life details private. People knew, but not enough for her to get exposure on a magazine every week. They didn't know what she did in her free time. And then she dated Chris Klein for like, 90 years, and got engaged, and things were merry until Tom Cruise came along and forced her to stop talking to all of her friends. Then she looked like a clone of Posh Spice, who everyone would have forgotten about if it wasn't for David Beckham and her boob job.

And then Chris Klein had a DUI! Thanks, Katie.

Now, Katie was never an amazing actress, but she portrayed shy and naive quite well. I wanted to be Joey Potter, and have innocent/torrid romances, and climb into boy's windows without anyone caring. And since she was a brunette average chick, I related. Now? Not so much. She scares me now. I feel like if I ever mentioned Dawson's Creek to her, her eyes would turn red, and she'd internally crush my organs with them somehow, like the robot she is.

But with that being said, I still care. Partially since I'm curious to see if she'll morph into her old form again. Also, I don't care much for kids, but Suri is cute. I admit it.

2. Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay's problem is that she seriously can act. Which is awesome for her movies, but questionable in court.

She won me over in Freaky Friday. I was a fan of the original, and was a bit skeptic on seeing the remake, but it was awesome. I know it was made for kids, but I don't care. I liked it, and you can shut up! Anyway, Freaky Friday took place before everyone realized her Mom, Dina, was a Rockette who was a bit fame-hungry, and her Dad, Michael, was a scary creepy future-best-friend to Jon Gosselin. Old videos show Lindsay saying how she'll never do drugs. AND THEN IT STARTED.

First it was a cigarette. Which was a gateway to alcohol. Which was a gateway to pot. Which was a gateway to sniffing glue. Which was a gateway to heroine. Then cocaine. Then pills. That being said, I can only confirm that Lindsay has tried two of these. (Cigarettes and glue, of course.)

You know, if you asked me maybe 2 or 3 years ago, I'd say that you couldn't fault her. It's young Hollywood, it's hard to avoid, and if she was having a lot of personal issues, these releases (although not right) make some sense. But sometime in that period of self destruction, a wake up call has to happen. And of course it never did. But, everyone in the world besides Lindsay knows that Lindsay has to get her act straight.

Why do I still care? I genuinely like the girl. She's in a hole right now that is pretty deep, but I definitely want to see her pull a Drew Barrymore and turn out to be awesome, and not pull a .. dead celebrity incident. I still read Lindsay articles on TMZ and dog-gonnit, I always will!

Also, since Dina Lohan compulsively checks google to see what media form slanders her daughter next.. if you're reading this, hello!

And finally!

3. Nicole Richie


She isn't really a trainwreck celebrity (after that whole "I had photos taken at the beach, and you could practically see through my body" stint a few years ago) but I've always really liked her. And nobody understood why.

Not only is she the daughter of the man that I named my blog after (for now, at least), but she has such a biting sarcasm that, often times, was overshadowed by Paris Hilton being right next to her. I admit, I watched The Simple Life with the two of them, and I felt like Nicole was in on the joke the entire time. She could sum up situations hilariously with one line. And she has giant eyes, which are cool. Also: giant sunglasses. I also have giant sunglasses! Obviously we're like, the same person.

Now she's with babies, and has started up a charity, and doesn't use her twitter in a way that makes me want to punch walls. And that being said, I still care since she seemed to mellow out and move forward. Kudos!

If any of you have a celebrity you still care about despite their crumbling careers, please share. Unless it's Amanda Bynes, since that girl is just grating. Ugh.

*And to continue my banter about Dawson's Creek, here's the birthday cake scene in question. Thankfully, 26-year-old-me can see this episode as a laugh riot, where 16-year-old-me was devastated that this episode was the worst thing ever.



In summary, him and Andie (the blonde) got trashed off of rum and coke, since they fooled the waitress into believing they were 21. Which I can understand, since the actors are like, 40. And the restaurant wasn't Burger King or Taco Bell, where my friends hung out when we were in high school. And I think drunk Dawson sang a song about how his life is so tough, as a spoiled high school student who still has friends despite his bad wardrobe and giant forehead. What kills me is, I know this is not the first time I've talked about this episode. Nor the last.