Gym Halpert*

It seems like a lot of similar outrage postings and articles came around after my last entry on Sex and the City 2. Know what that means? Everyone in the universe reads my blog! Hooray!! I'm the most famous.

I must say, I'm writing this in pain. I've started getting into the habit of making the gym a thing again, since I'm really in no place right now to wear a bikini. Also, even though some of my jeans are about 8 years old, they don't fit well/at all. Woe.

Now, I'm not saying that it's a habit that has lasted a long time. I only went yesterday, and came out of it shocked that I wasn't going home in a hearse. But with the support of my gym-buddy Greg, and my long distance gym-buddy Gina, I think this could be a thing I do every day. I mean, I had good runs before.

Gina actually recently (as in, about a half hour ago) blogged about her gym experience, which can be found here. I recommend reading it. It's quite spot-on and hilarious. But unless you exit out of my page right... now, you'll be forced to read segments, as I plan on butchering it via cut and paste, and responding/adding to it.

For basis, I now belong to Planet Fitness. Planet Fitness is okay. They're 20 dollars, but the whole place is purple, yellow, and cartoonish, so it's like you're working out inside of an 8 year old's nightmare.The other gyms I've belonged to were the YMCA in Woodbridge(where someone broke into my car), and the Millersville student center gym, where I first learned the fact that I run like a Muppet, thanks to treadmills and mirrors. Gina goes to a similar YMCA I do believe, where they probably have more emphasis on customer satisfaction. (Note to Gina: Don't tuck your purse away under your seat. Even if it's a Sunday, and you're at the gym for twenty minutes... just don't do it.)

THE MORNING V. AFTERNOON DEBATE

Gina Writes:

I guess the mornings' are the most crowded. I go late enough at night (around 8:30 pm) that only less than a small handful of people are there, which means most of the machines are freed up. The problem with working out in the morning is that there's a lot of people who have their machine routines down, and I can feel their judging eyes on me whenever they're waiting for me to finish up. Yes, I can only lift 15 measly lbs above my head, but I still have just as much right to pause between my sets of reps as you do, much more advanced gym-goer!

Working out in the morning sucks. I understand the appeal ("then you can relax after work" "it wakes me up!" "my metabolism is blah de whatever") but it just sucks. There are many things that I can quit, but not being chipper and active in the morning is not one of them. Nor are cigarettes. Someday. Stop pestering me to quit!

Mornings also give you a time schedule. I, personally, like to gym for a solid 45 minutes. But sometimes I get there and I'm just not feeling it. Or sometimes I can get a second wind after the elliptical machine's initial shit-kicking of my frail and anxiety-ridden body, and I stay longer. If you have someplace to be, besides "home at a reasonable hour", there are just a lot of time blocks that can make your workout seem rushed and unfulfilling.

Scenario One: You go to the gym, and there's a major traffic jam on the way back. Like, major. Like, an ambulance collided with a bus and a helicopter at the same time major. You tell work you'll be late, and they fire you! Since you've been late for other reasons all week. Other reasons most likely involving.. the gym.

Scenario Two: Your body isn't fully awake, and on the way to the gym, you crash your car and your car goes up in flames. Even if you're okay, your work clothes aren't.


Scenario Three: You go to the gym 45 minutes before work, and the gym blows up. You never make it to work. Also, you are badly injured.

Oh, also, I can't do morning gym since there's no way my stupid hair would look decent without about 30 minutes of prep work, alongside old TiVoed episodes of Saved By The Bell.
Winner: Afternoon gym.

THE TV V. MAGAZINE DEBATE

Gina writes:

Oh! I forgot to mention the one thing that's totally terrible about the gym: morning television. I discovered I can't read on the elliptical because I bounce too much, and I'm currently too cheap to purchase audiobooks.

Okay, yeah, this could also be lumped in my last debate, but I need at least 3 debates to make this initial idea worth it.

Back when I was unemployed, and all of the arguments in the morning gym debate weren't revelant, I sat through a lot of Regis & Kelly. I don't mind Regis & Kelly, but my gym time always synchronized with the world's stupidest guest. Like, "Hey, welcome to the show, juggling kid with one arm!" "With us today, we have a dog that barks in Latin!"

Every magazine in Planet Fitness looks like Kristen Stewart in every awards speech ever. Seriously. I opened up an issue of People last night, and the middle fell out, onto my stair-steppin' legs. Trying to piece together the pages, I only got to skim my article before my allotted exercise time was complete. So, even if I didn't exercise to the extreme on the elliptical, the magazine is an overall fail.

Scenario One: You're at the gym, and a similar situation happens. The magazine, a little newer, gives you severe papercuts. Your own blood makes you slip on the machine, and then you can no longer exercise. Since you are concussed.

Scenario Two: You're at the gym, and you're reading a magazine. You don't realize it's a few years old. The next day, you're wearing Uggs, or some other fashion mistake, and you lose all of your friends. Your family also disowns you.

Scenario Three: Everyone touches magazines, so when you pick one up, you immediately get cooties. Or something worse that I can't think up yet. Maybe some skin disease. But its life threatening, and makes you fear magazines and all things. So much that you now live in a bubble.

Winner: Afternoon TV.

And finally.

GYM MANIA V. NOT GYM MANIA

This one is pretty much targeted at Gina, but if you don't want to be excluded, just pretend you're Gina.

Gina writes:

As of now, I don't really feel any different. I mean, working out and showering before work gives me a sense of accomplishment (I guess), but I'm not going to get super pumped and motivated until my clothes start feeling looser. Then, I can see myself trying to squeeze in gym time twice a day. (It's happened before.)

Gina. Save yourself. Before it's too late.

Here's the sad truth about the gym. You go to the gym, and you start seeing results. And then you're hooked, and go MORE. I went through a brief stint of this at the Millersville gym, but then gained everything back** (PLUS the freshman 15! PLUS the sophomore 45!) when I quit in favor of eating dinner with my friends. Just think. If I didn't cut the gym bug off, I'd have zero friends right now. Except my 6-pack.

Scenario One: After going to the gym once a day, you decide to go twice. Your heart all of a sudden acts like a disgruntled employee, and is like "What the hell? I'm tired! I was pumping hard just this morning! Fuck you!" And then your heart explodes and you die. In your gym clothes, no less.

Scenario Two: After going to the gym once a day, you decide to go twice. Suddenly, rumor circulates among members that you actually live at the gym. Suddenly, your gym gets all of your bills and correspondences, forgets to give them to you, and then you lose your house and everything you love.


Scenario Three: After going to the gym once a day, you decide to go twice. But the second time you go, the gym blows up. You never make it to work the next morning. Also, you are badly injured. Also, you can't do morning gym anymore, since you have no gym, since you decided to go against my aforementioned advice. Gina, you're THE WORST.

Winner: Not Gym.

Anyway. Now that you know my opinions, you can all enjoy the gym more than before. You're welcome.

I've enjoyed this blog cross-over. It reminds me of when Gina and I installed the "dislike" button on Facebook, and ruined everyone's day. For the.. day we had it. (It wasn't really a very good add-on.)


* I really think I named a past entry this before. But, after searching for a good 5 seconds, realized it was too late in the day for me to think of something more creative. Besides... Gym Halpert 2010.

** Math and logic is slightly incorrect.