Eye Carumba.

So much has happened since my last entry in June. First off, Lindsay Lohan is totally in jail. (Wait - let me see if she got out yet.) (She did!) Okay.

Lindsay Lohan is totally out of jail, after fourteen days. Kudos, since that was pretty much 1400% more time than Paris Hilton. Way to take one for the team, Lindsay. Have fun in rehab. I hope you send me a postcard, since I only get bills in the mail and odd membership information for AARP, so that'd be awesome.

Second off, I went to the eye doctor, and supposedly my eye blood vessels are squiggly. Let me tell you, there's nothing worse in the world than staring at digital images of your own eye from the inside. But I had to, since if I want to wear contacts and not be called "four eyes" or "Glasses McGee" by my peers, I have to go every effing year.

I must note, it's unnerving to me that I forgot what I wore yesterday, but have, indeed, memorized the eye chart at Lenscrafters. When they gave me that mini tablet with images to check depth, this conversation happened.

Me: Uh. I see the left side[of the box of circles] in 3D for image one, and the right side for image 2, but then I can't see anything else pop up. But I do see a bunch of foxes and dogs come at me from the animal section that you didn't tell me to look at, and I see the 3D fly on the other page, so that makes me worry far, far less.

Girl: Uh. Yeah, we don't do those tests.

I know that technically, by reciting my memorized charts, I'm only hurting myself. "Screw you, contacts! I WANT to see blurry!" But you think they'd mix it up a bit. You know. Just for fun. What's the point of figuring out letters anyway? Besides something awesome, like the first 20 seconds of this trailer for 2001's America's Sweethearts.



(Three cheers for that formatting oddly on Firefox! Hip Hip Hoo-- nevermind.)

Anyway. I'm pretty much the eye doctor's worst patient ever.

Nurse Version of Eye Doctor Places Who Does The Weird Beginners Tests: So, you said that sometimes your left eye turns red.
Me: Right.
Nurse VoEDPWDTWBT: Any reason as to what may cause this?
Me: Well, I have allergies sometimes, as well as insane stress, and also I'm a smoker, and notice that often times, the smoke goes directly into my left eye. Also, I wear a ton of eye makeup, and not well, so sometimes it goes in my eye. And I probably wear my contacts way more than I should.
Nurse: Oh.

Another fun thing about Lenscrafters is, when they go through your patient information, they ask about your hobbies. Like I don't feel bad enough for not having hobbies. While I always say "Writing", I always promise myself that by next year, I'll have far more interesting things to contribute. And since "Writing" is my sole hobby, the Nurse VoEDPWDTWBT always writes it really big, to fill space.

Since my roller derby career didn't pan out after falling and injuring my knee during key self-practice time (ie: learning how to rollerskate), I think that by next year, my hobbies will include dragon slaying, extreme hula hoop, and parkour. Also, simultaneous car tossing and fire eating. When they ask me if these awesome hobbies in any way affect my eyes, my answer will simply be, "you tell me."

Back to the eye squiggles. So, after I learned that my contacts are terrible, I see these squiggly line pictures. Obviously, having the education solely of someone who goes to the eye doctor every year, I thought nothing of it. Until!

Doctor: See these lines?
Me (without contacts in): .. Yes.
Doctor: Those should be straight. Now, there are a million reasons why they aren't. It could be hereditary, or it could be something else. So, next time you go to a doctor, mention it to them and see if you can get bloodwork done. Just in case.
Me: Now, doctor. These squiggles. What can they be?
Doctor: Anything.
Me: Huh. Anything, you say.
Doctor: It could be a prescription you take, or it could be a small sign of ... anything else, really.
(Karen silently curses her multivitamins)

Then she told me that I would need to get my pupils dilated. Since this is a big fear of mine, I made an excuse as to why I should wait it out till my next visit (in approximately 1 week, just to tell them that my contacts are now a-ok!) She told me that'd be okay. It was only later did I realize that I had scheduled it at a time where nobody will be capable of giving me a ride home, but oh well. I'll figure out what to do with that information on the 10th.

What's the deal with dilation anyway? I've gotten them dilated before, but from what I remember, I just felt hazy and looked like an anime character. Thus, to my knowledge, dilation is solely for the amusement of the eye care staff. And I don't blame them. That field needs more entertainment, especially after being forced to look at aforementioned creepy digital eye pictures all day.

Now, I forgot if I mentioned this, and I'm too lazy to scroll up and see, but I go to the Lenscrafters in the town where I lived 2 years ago. Remember that place*? Yeah, I lived there once! But now I don't. Yes, Lancaster has a Lenscrafters, but no, I will never go back to them. There was a brief incident in college where I may or may not have cursed out the eye doctor based on multiple visits to solve a problem that I fixed myself with some ClearEyes. When someone impeaches that dude, I'll reconsider. But since impeaching an eye doctor is impossible, I have to wait until someone completely renovates that entire system. That could take months!

I blabbed a bit to my eye doctor about how the distance, plus me working again, made appointments somewhat of a challenge. Since the Belz Family CrabFest '10 is this weekend, my "a-ok contacts!" appointment would have to be pushed down. I mentioned how this Lenscrafters was far superior to Lancaster, and I knew that these traveling problems were all self inflicted.

Eye Doctor: Okay. Well, the 10th is open, but I won't be there, since they brought me in from another location to cover.
(I thought my female doctor didn't look like an Eric. Issue confirmed!)
Me: Please tell me you don't work for Lancaster.
Eye Doctor: I do not.

Phew. That would have been awkward. If I've learned anything, it's not to insult anyone who messes with your eyes (except Dr. Jerk in Lancaster. He had it coming.) Just imagine how many more eye squiggles I may have received after unknowingly insulting her work place.

In other personal health news, I think I broke my back in about 900 places. And these 900 places are all located near the bottom. By the "Core". I noticed issues on Friday, but chalked them up to the movie theater seats after seeing Inception on Thursday. (Sidenote: I enjoyed the movie.) Then on Saturday and Sunday, it got worse. Today, it still hurts like knives, but at least I'm being mobile. It forced me to miss the gym 4 days in a row (well, the back plus Inception) so tonight is my gym homecoming. If you don't hear from me in a significant amount of time after this entry takes place, I've died a messy, back death. Pamphlets to avoid such an issue yourself will be at the viewing.

In my medical opinion, I think all of the horrible things that WebMD told me I have are accurate. People have told me that even "herniated disc", which seems self-healing, is probably more extreme than what really happened, but my answer to that is, "I'm dying. Screw you."

The worst part about discomfort at work is that if you want to try any kind of stretches, you need to make sure that absolutely nobody sees you. Even the bathroom isn't really a safe ground. In fact, if I walked in on some random girl trying to poorly do yoga poses in the bathroom, I think I'd probably call the police. No wait, scratch that. I'd definitely call the police.

Unfortunately, I'm still too young to accept the fact that sometimes helpful solutions have to power over being socially awkward. Heating pads are totally okay at home, but plugging that thing in here would just raise questions. And probably trip people. When the world stops for a second when my curly hair is straightened for a day, or my straight hair goes back to curly, any kind of device that I bring in that's not normally on my persons is usually going to set people off. I don't want to bring attention to my medical cause. Especially since I know this will happen:

"YOUR BACK HURTS?? WHAT ARE YOU, 90??"

"I'm sure it's nothing. But, my uncle died of back cancer, and that was his first symptom. But, yeah, I'm sure it's nothing."

"Can you lift this giant box? Why not?... Well, I need you to anyway."

I don't even know who I'd see about the issue, as I was brought up to believe that all chiropractors are jokes. Yet, my Dad only recently learned the true difference between jelly, jam, and preserves (which I only learned in college), so while I trust their judgment completely, there could be more to it than that. Like, maybe my Dad got hit by a car driven by a chiropractor back in the day, and all prejudice towards that professions are completely bias and personal. Maybe.

In The Next Entry: Hear about how my eye squiggles bond with my back to further destroy me. Also, hear about how I also need to go see a dentist in the near future.

* I'm trying to avoid mentioning every town name, as a google search for all may make the entire eye doctor community of Central PA lobby against me. I should see a doctor about my immense paranoia.