Hipstaphobic

Ladies and gentleman, I have a new theory that I'd like to bring to the table. But let me pad this down by providing an introductory paragraph that makes me sound as if I really did a ton of research on the topic.

Photographs. We all have them. In fact, there's nothing I like more than paging through old pictures and showing people what a cute baby I was. See?

Aww. I think I've shown this picture before. Anyway. Pictures helped me relive the Disney trip our family took when I was in 1st grade, and had a brain that couldn't hold many memories at the time. They helped me remember what I wore on the first day of school, every year, back in elementary. They reminded me what my Dad looked like with a mustache of a different color. And to this day, even though most of my "memories" involve the same poses with the same friends in the same location, I still love the idea of tangible photos. Since one day, the internet is going to explode, and digital shots alone are going to enter a black hole. Yes, this is totally scientific.

That being said. What the hell is up with hipster pictures these days?

Let me explain. I feel like the hipster of 2010 refuses to be photographed in any situation that doesn't involve at least two of the following:
1. Outdoors (ie: Them standing in front of a big tree, or better - big trees)
2. In awkward situations (ie: Look, ten of us are on a small couch, and none of the dudes have shirts on!)
3. With a knitted item made especially for them by a friend.
4. Not looking directly in the camera, but aiming the camera in a way that accurately portrays their killer behind-the-ear tattoo and/or chopped off hair.
5. With improper colors. (BIG indicator.) Photos that look faded and dated, to make it look like a photo taken on an actual Polaroid, and not an iPhone with an "app for that." Yes, Hipstamatic. You stopped being cool the second people realized that the photographer used no effort in distorting their final product.
6. PBR all over the place.
7. Just feet. Specifically in a field.

According to my pictures displayed on the almighty facebook, yes. I don't lead a very interesting life. I hang out with maybe the same 4 people, and none of them have yet to reach celebrity status. I went to Maryland this weekend for a housewarming party, and people got pissed at my camera, since to them, why document this particular event? My thoughts: I'm in another STATE, you guys! We're all still here, but not in PA this time! Hell, not in NJ either! So even though my Maryland pictures will never see the light of day (besides one or two, maybe) at least I know they're shot in natural light. And someday, when I'm older, I can tell my kids "I went to Maryland to celebrate the moving in of my friend Molyneaux" as opposed to "Here is me standing in a creek that looks purple and pink. No, this was shot in 2010. I swear. Yes. It's on computer paper since I didn't think to actually order an album. Shut up! Your FACE is pixeled!"

I feel like I also need to partially stand up for hipsters. A good amount of my friends are hipsters. I might have fallen into the hipster lifestyle if only I stopped listening to Wilco in favor of that band from Philadelphia that played in your friend's basement, and fixed my bike from that recall back in 1998. I became more mainstream in my tastes, as many of us do, and liked music that happened to also be on a record label. And trust me, I'm not saying that unsigned bands aren't great - that's not what I mean at all, as a fan of music - I'm just saying that I lost some of the musical willpower I had to keep on track with them. That or, when I heard a song or two, I didn't fall in love with it.

Back in the day, I viewed "hipster" as the kid who was just quietly awesome. But growing up, I realized that there was definitely a cool-factor, whether real or not, that I didn't feel comfortable with solely since I knew I couldn't pass it. It didn't bum me out. I knew who I was, individually, and had a bunch of friends who grew in a similar yet unique way. These pictures are pretty much explaining that feeling - the "I can't be bothered being photographed anywhere that doesn't constitute as art" mentality. And I guess that's what bums me out. To keep setting a default image of you being anything other than... just you? Heck lady, I don't even know what color eyes you have.

I'm not sure which is worse - the Hipstamatic prints of today, or the MySpace prints of yesteryear. Or the MySpace prints of today, where girls puck up their lips and look like complete idiots. All I'm saying is that with that old phenomenon and this fairly new one, I kind of think more people should just chill out, and take photos like Lindsay Lohan. In mugshot form.

**One might say that baby photo fits in with at least points 1, 4, and 5. I won't deny that this picture of me from 1989 was first taken with the Hipstamatic App on iPhone.