Slide Into Hell.

So, last night I found myself watching a lot of TV. Probably because I needed an excuse to not go to the gym. But I digress (and by the way, I hate the word "digress" So now you know how much I'm digressing, in order to use the word digress so freely on my own blog.)

I'm not going to hide the fact that I was really amped for the season finale of Hell's Kitchen. I'm not going to tell you that I didn't order chinese food in celebration. So - spoiler alert if you haven't seen it on your TiVo yet or if your housemate deleted it after thinking it was an accidental tape, since nobody really watches that crap, right? - Holli wins.


A brief rundown of the last two contestants. Holli is a 24 year old single mom (and I only remember her age offhand since I could not believe I was 2 years older than her, and have been on ZERO cooking shows) and Jay is a 32 year old guy with blue hair, who very much resembles a morning show radio DJ. Holli and Jay have been flirty all season, and while Jay has made many references to how he wants to nail Holli, last night took the cake.

So, Chef Ramsay has them both by their doors, and the "door that opens" "wins some stupid gig at the Savoy in London". I have to mention, I really think that the Hell's Kitchen prize is probably something totally worthless, as I've never heard about any of the winners after their show aired. In fact, me remembering these contestants right now is unheard of in the Hell's Kitchen world. I've seen a few seasons of this show, and can only remember one contestant overall. One! And that was because I totally thought her and Ramsay were having an affair, so intrigue grew.

Holli's door opens, everyone is excited, her little boy - while cute - "can't believe it! Mom, you won!" And then everyone gets drenched in champagne, and her son probably gained a secondhand-drunk. The other loser chefs congratulate her. And then it cuts to Jay.

Jay says, talking-head style, "I hope I can take her pants off tonight."

And that's it. Credits roll. That is the summary of all the man-hours I've put in to force myself to watch this show. Really? Pants?

So after that happened, I compulsively ate all of my chinese food out of anger, and probably gained 3 pounds. Next was MasterChef.

Now, I thought the US version of this show was premiering after Hell's Kitchen, but it may have been on for a few episodes. I base that on the fact that the Television Without Pity forum was already on page 16 or so, and only 1 or 2 of those pages regarded yesterday's episode. Also, many angry posters claimed "I'm so done with this show!" - a statement usually saved only for the tragically weakened shows, like The Office and How I Met Your Mother.

Seriously - I love Gordon Ramsay, but enough already, people! How many shows can this dude have? We get it. He's serious, and likes to yell and smash down food. He wants people to improve and learn, and he wants everyone to know about how he loves his family and didn't have an affair with that chick from Hell's Kitchen.

This show is all about elimination. Gordon announces that most of them would be eliminated before the day is done. The first "test" involved slicing and dicing an onion, and about 5 people cut their hands open due to lack of skills/pressure/distracting onion smells.

The second test involves an egg. Just one egg. However, even though just one egg is used, Ramsay displays a palate of about 900 eggs for show, thus spitting in the face of all the children in our nation that don't have eggs. (Seriously. When I'm forced to bust my ass and extend my vocabulary to give free rice pellets to kids, I don't appreciate looking at a billion display eggs that nobody had to work for.)

Ramsay really used his power of elimination on this one. Everyone's dish was simple and boring, but he got nitpicky. "Everything on this plate is great, but you oversalted the broccoli. TAKE OFF YOUR APRON. GOODBYE!" There were also about 90 "fake eliminations", which is proof in itself that this show is boring.

"Take off your apron. (pause for 5 seconds) Because you.. .. (commercial break) (show is back on, and recaps the last 2 minutes) "Take off your apron.. (pause for 5 seconds) Because you.. .. (pans to nervous contestants) (Quick edits) "Should tie it tighter! You're in!"

Something about Ramsay shows and quick edits, man. They always leave decisions up in the air, and end the segment with a camera showing 7 different contestants up close, further illustrated by canned "panic music". Again, I reiterate that I've seen all of Hell's Kitchen this season, but I'm never holding my breath to find out what happens next. OR AM I! (panic music)

This show was chased by an episode of Teen Mom, which is yet another show I force myself to watch. In this episode, Amber and Gary go on a crazy vacation with Amber's Dad, who we learned in the last reunion is slowly dying of cirrhosis. The only cure for cirrhosis is partying with your daughter and her on-again off-again fiance, who you once verbally threatened on camera.

Gary and Amber obviously don't think that their 1 year old daughter, Leah, deserves any kind of distraction during a 16 hour car ride, except maybe the entertainment of hearing them scream at her to shut up. Then Gary and Amber arrive to wherever they're going, and poorly dance the night away, and Gary tries to propose to Amber for the third time. She gets mad at him, since he's "doing it wrong."

Meanwhile, Maci leaves her son Bentley with her ex fiance/babydad Ryan, and Bentley manages to hit his face on something. To cure him, Ryan gives him a "paci", which is the EXACT THING MACI TOLD HIM NOT TO DO! In fact, that was Maci's whole storyline this week!

Then the other people on the show merely existed. I think Farrah cried about her baby's father being killed in a car accident, despite her saying once (when he was alive) that she wanted him to have no part of her life anymore. And the fact that she denied to tell him she was pregnant with his spawn. Catelynn and Tyler, who were once a cute couple, now just waste space on the TV, since Tyler has been pissed at something Catelynn did three years ago, for three entire episodes now. Get over it, dude!

Oh, and the reason as to why their relationship is difficult at the ripe old age of 17 is because they're also step siblings. So they can break up, but they'll always be around each other anyway. Note my use of italics.

In real news, how about that guy who quit his job and then slid off the plane with beers? Steven Slater, you are my hero. If you have to go to jail for causing a scene that could have killed - but didn't kill - someone, then they may as well arrest me for driving a car that could have killed - but never killed - anyone. Gina and I were trying to think of what his actual reason for arrest was, and we came up with "Sliding While Angry" and "Sliding While Quitting".

The reason this dude rocks is because he did something that every person, at one time, has wanted to do. I envy him more, since the sole act of sliding down a plane is something I always wanted to do, and not only did he do it, but he did it awesomely.

This guy must not fade away. He needs a holiday. Specifically a paid holiday. Must better than that wipe-off board "Jenny" who "e-mailed her whole office pictures of her quitting" and "turned out to be a giant hoax that wasn't funny, really." I.. guess it launched her ... acting ... ... career?

(Kind of like how this blog... will.. launch my.. writing... career?)

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