Pratfall Puppies

Well, my 27th birthday was a lot of fun. I actually got there after... all of my guests did. I arrived around 9:15-9:20, as to not be the first one there, but I guess I've have very timely friends. I'll remember that for next year, when I plan to extinguish any cake candles with unstoppable weeping.

As I write this, I feel like I'm in the beginning stages of true sickness. I've had a (well, I thought it was) foolproof method to avoid colds for the past 3 or so months: One large glass of Grapefruit Juice, and two chewable, gummy-Vitamin C's. The gummies are the best, since one can argue that they take form of healthy candy. I can eat 900 of them, and not get fat! I'll probably go to the hospital because I'm orange and ill, but that illness will NOT be a cold, and I'll probably survive it. Right?

Anyway, I guess that method finally failed. I was a zombie at work yesterday, and figured it was probably just a bad night of sleep. But as the day progressed, and coffee had been consumed, I actually felt worse. All of my symptoms pretty much went through 15 minute intervals. I went to bed early. Like an old woman. And I still don't feel that great. As one can tell by my use of italics.

And today? Today it just hurts to smile. I typed that symptom into WebMD, and it turns out I have psoriasis.

I think I got sick since I knew something bad was on the horizon, and I can now safely blame the split-up of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. (Honestly, I kind of forgot about them entirely until now, but then remembered the fact that their kid's middle name is from The Jungle Book. Mowgli? Seriously? I bet that kid is going to get older, and get beaten up by a bully named Aladdin "The Beast" Kingtriton.)

The last time I heard about Ashlee, I think it involved some kind of boozy argument she had. Or boozy appearance. Or a boozy lipsyching competition (insult circa 2005) Let's just agree she was drunk. (Before I continue, let me say that I think her plastic surgery actually suits her well. I think she was pretty before, but I think she's pretty now as well, in a non-Heidi Montag-fucked up way)

So let's just get these snarky comments out of the way now. Note: I never said they were funny.

1. Ashlee Simpson broke up with Pete Wentz since he was rumored to be erratic? I heard he was rumored to have no money anymore!

2. I guess Joe Simpson can only allow for one daughter to be married at a time!


3. Did Ashlee Simpson do a hoedance* after failing her marriage?

4. Will this be on the Ashlee Simpson show? Wait, that was cancelled?

5. Now that Pete Wentz is free, let's match him up with Jennifer Aniston. They're both single, and both went through divorces, so they'll get along.

6. Who is Pete Wentz?

7. I think Bronx Mowgli has enough of a complicated situation to get through already.

8. Looks like Ashlee's beer-goggles finally wore off, for the first time since 2008.

That's all I got today, folks! (No ill will towards you, Mr. Wentz. You're not unattractive. And I'm sure you're a nice-enough dude.)

* I swear, I meant hoedown. But, typo stays.

In other celebrity divorce news, it looks like Kelsey Grammar is finally free. Kelsey Grammar, who won my respect again due to his cameo on 30 Rock and that video where he falls off a stage, has already moved on, I believe.

Here's that video once again where he falls off a stage. I've probably talked about this before, since I've watched it a total of 9 billion times.



Sidenote: I only mentioned Kelsey so that I could link that video again. My mind works in weird ways, people. The other day after looking up the Ashlee news, I was reminded of Cheyenne from MTV (who is getting married now?) since they both had short-lived MTV shows. Then things got hazy, and I found myself looking up the kids from Kid Nation on facebook, to see which ones were still friends. Most of them are! Such good kids.
Second Sidenote: I've learned about these divorces so quickly thanks to Gina, who e-mailed me while she was at lunch, as well as the Google Reader I finally decided to enable. Hooray for being technologically behind!

And finally - How about that Super Bowl, you guys?! GO PACKERZ!!! Actually, I don't watch football, but I do watch Puppies.

Ladies and Gentleman, for the seventh year in a row, Animal Planet had a Puppy Bowl. Now, I remember tuning in around Year 3 and being like, "What the hell is this? It's cute but the ... most boring thing I've ever seen in my life. And I watch Full House!"

This year, I decided to pay full attention. I also paid partial attention to the real game during the Puppy Bowl commercials (er - at least enough to see Fergie air-hump Slash at the halftime show) I also ate a lot of chips. Since this is one Sunday where the world wants you to eat a lot of chips. Even if you decided to watch Schindler's List on Superbowl Sunday, you best be eating chips.

Now, I have to admit, part of me felt ripped off. Sources say the Puppy Bowl and Kitten Halftime show are filmed around October, which makes sense. Since nobody wants to watch footage of a puppy take a dump on a fake field, or any kind of (legal) dogfighting. Also, the cheesy music and lighting is sure to send one of the dogs into an epileptic seizure, so I'm sure glad that stuff is, for the most part, edited in later.


But they decided to have a vote online for the MVP. Most. Valuable. Puppy. And I voted for Duncan, who did something impressive, but right now I don't remember it. I would have also voted for "Two Face", who was adorable, but was reported by my friend Jenn (who I was Puppy Bowl Live Chatting with) as being missing from the page.

However, the "winner" - who was a dog who sucked, and just succeeded in running around like an a-hole (CB, I think his name was) - was announced by the announcer, under edited footage.

So wait. Did my vote mean anything? Was CB pre-selected? Surely they couldn't film winners footage for every dog, right? There were like, 20+ of them! And this is Animal Planet, not HBO! I want answers!

Despite that shock (which I admit is completely real, and still hit a nerve when recollection the terrible memory), I have to give the Puppy Bowl an A+!!! Puppies. Kitten Halftime Show. No Fergie. Chicken Cheerleaders. Hamsters piloting a blimp for some reason. No Black Eyed Peas in general. Edited-out dog mess. And a referee, who won my heart with lines like, "Puppy Penalty! For Being Just Too Cute!" Watch it next year, you guys. I admit, I usually like the Super Bowl for commercials, but after seeing the Doritos one with the guy licking the other guy's cheesy fingers, I may be put off of Cool Ranch for months.

I'll end with one final, unfunny Ashlee retort. Ahem.

"Ashlee Simpson Divorces Pete Wentz: Blames it on band."