Redemption Recap

You guys, blame Heidi. She was the sole person who said to do the Survivor Recap. So what you're going to read is all her fault. (Just don't do anything too vengeful based on how much you hate this recap, since I see her daily, and like her. She's good people.)

I must also mention that I had to re-google that Jeff Probst picture. I had to face my fear. Kind of like how my decade-long fear of Ernie and Bert had to be ended in high school, when I sat down and stared at a picture of Bert noseless (Ernie stole the nose to finish a sculpture. The episode ruined me.) I didn't stare as intently at the Jeff Probst picture (cause, I'm sorry - but, gross!) but acknowledging that it existed in this wide world helped make this Survivor experience not traumatizing.

And Too Late Kev - thank you for your input on the situation. I'm glad my pleas to not google lead to massive googling. I would have done exactly the same thing!

So, let's get to it. My timestamped notes on Survivor: Redemption Island. Or should I say, Survivor: This Will Work You Guys, I Swear.

1. 8:00 Jeff Probst is over the Pacific Ocean, in America.
2. 8:01 Is that Fabio? Huh, no. It's "Matt". Someone in the casting department has a type!
3. 8:01 39 DAYS. 18 PEOPLE. ONE. SURVIVOR. Yeah, we know.
4. The helicopter gracefully lands on the beach. Mike thinks he'll win just since he was in the Marine Corps. I doubt this will be true.
5. 8:04 A second helicopter lands, with "two more players". I bet it's Boston Rob and Russell.
6. 8:05 It's Boston Rob. And Russell.
7. 8:06 Francesca speaks, and refers to them as troublemakers. Great first impression, Francesca. Bitch.
8. 8:07 Rob and Russell draw for tribes. Rob joins Omatephawyye. Russell joins Zapterarjasa.
9. 8:09 Jeff Probst talks about Redemption Island. I stop paying attention, since I made butternut squash soup. That dude in the suit made a stupid decision. I guess going on Survivor wearing a suit is great, if you dream about ruining suits.
10. 8:12 Zapatera, Day One. Russell says that this is his season, but then talks about how he's going to be the leader and ... pretty much play the game the same way he did the last two times.
11. 8:15 There's a surprising amount of man on man action building this shelter.
12. 8:15 Francesca already pinpointed Phillip as being "most annoying", even though it looks like he's just being helpful. Phillip lets everyone in on the "secret" that he's an ex Federal Agent, and then kisses all the women.
13. 8:20 Ometepe tribe. Red tank top girl is totes looking for the clue. Boston Rob knows about it, and seems cool, but now she's just frustrated. Wait. Are Boston Rob and Phillip the only dudes on this tribe? I must be missing some people.
14. 8:20 Russell already formed an alliance with some cute tough girl. I bet this will totally last!
15. 8:25 These whole Survivor "What If" things are mega lame. "WHAT IF BRENDA LAST SEASON HAD A REDEMPTION ISLAND?" Probst, I'm sorry. You're not selling me on this concept.
16. 8:27 Ometepe. Numerous shots of a chick picking at her teeth with a piece of wood.
17. 8:27 Red tank top girl actually found an idol. And she's thinking of getting rid of... Rob?
18. 8:30 Oh, Phillip. Your "swimsuit" is too tiny. Just. Too. Tiny.
19. 8:30 Teeny Bikini Phillip mentions how he's a Federal agent again. And thank you! Francesca mentions his "droopy, fuschia briefs" on camera!
20. 8:31 FIRST CHALLENGE. (And, uh. LAST CHALLENGE as well.) Block puzzle. Temple building. "First tribe to get it right wins immunity." Thank god that rule is still in play. I bet next season, the first tribe to get it wrong wins.
21. 8:33 Zapatera is rocking. They moved three blocks! And then run up the steps!
22. 8:34 Ralph the Farmer, will you marry me? Seriously. Your overalls, and your facial hair, and your physical strength are all working for me.
23. 8:36 Oops. Zapatera lost their lead. And Boston Rob is "leading" as Jeff always expected.
24. 8:36 False alarm! Zapatera wins immunity. Go Ralph! Boston Rob looks like he's going to cry, and Russell explains it's because he just realized he's in a tribe with "a bunch of weenies"
25. 8:39 I swear, this show has no commercials. Blonde girl is talking about how it's sad to let down Boston Rob. Come on, jerks! He's just a person!
26. 8:40 Christina with the immunity idol tells Francesca, and the two high-five about how she's not going home tonight. It'd be awesome if she went home.
27. 8:42 Boston Rob talks about voting off Christina. Come on, editors. This is just lazy.
28. 8:45 Jeff Probst talks about fire representing life, as per usual, and then talks about how now it may not represent life, due to that shitty Redemption Island crap.
29. 8:48 Phillip mentions he's a former Agent once again. After a bunch of "EXCUSE ME'S" He also can't pronounce Francesca's name. I bet he can't even spell his own tribe's name.
30. 8:48 SHIT! Phillip outs the idol. Christina is fucked. They're all talking about who they're voting for already.
31. 8:48 Phillip mispronounces Francesca's name again, and blames it on a dry mouth. He lets everyone know he's getting treatment for it.
32. 8:48-8:51 All shit breaks loose. I'm too focused on Phillip's aforementioned medical issue to jot down specific notes.
33. 8:52 Probst reads the votes. Kristina. (Oops. I typed her name wrong, and I'm too lazy to edit. Sorry, guys.) Francesca. Phillip.
34. 8:53 Aaand, Francesca is out. For now. Since she's going to Redemption Island. Yes guys, this concept will work! I think. Ugh.

My Final Summary: This could either be really, really boring, or really hilarious. I think I nearly fell asleep before the Tribal Council. I'd like to thank that butternut squash soup for helping me make it through till 9.

My Dad's Commentary: "Phillip is a psycho. I don't want to be under the same roof as that guy."

My Friend Jenn's Commentary, via gchat (During the Tribal Council)

J

Jennifer: i love this dreadlock mullet dude

And, there you have it. Week one.