Hello. < /Lionel Richie >

Karen Goes to the Dentist

2011-04-14T10:29:00.011-04:00

Follow-up to last post: The mystery mover was Dan. It was all just one big misunderstanding. Unless I spooked the new neighbor so badly that he decided to immediately move out that night, which... is understandable.

This entry is going to focus mainly on my past trip to the dentist, but before I continue with this long-winded story, I wanted to let you know that these past two weeks have given me the opportunity to view and read a lot of things.

I was in Delaware last weekend, and the Thursday before, I picked up Tina Fey's new book, Bossypants. Now, this book gets a lot of flack since the cover is terrifying. But after giving it a good look maybe five times, it became less scary and more endearing. It was kind of similar to how I fought my fear of Ernie and Bert from Sesame Street. While in high school.

Anyway! I like Tina Fey. It definitely took me awhile to get used to her on SNL, but after my initial jealousy of her then-daily exposure to Jimmy Fallon wore off, I realized she's insanely talented. Even though 30 Rock has been growing incredibly weaker with age, I still think Liz Lemon symbolizes a cartoonish version of everything I've finally grown to appreciate about myself. (If anyone is tumblr-savvy enough to help me make that site look cool, let me know.)

The book took me 3 days to read. And after day 1, I really didn't want to put it down. "Should I bring this to work?" I thought, while running late to work one day. Then reality set in. "OF COURSE I SHOULDN'T." While in DE, I finished up the last chapter and actually felt bad about it. I wanted more book!

On Facebook, I noted that this was an incredible feat, as the last book I read was in the Mr. Men series. Oddly enough, I also read a book about someone I could relate to this weekend in that exact series. Her name is Little Miss Whoops, and she's the younger sister of Mr. Bump - One of the Mr. Manliest of Mr. Men, in my opinion. Little Miss Whoops did awesome things, like spill stuff everywhere. She also went on the wrong boat and train, and it took her like, a week to get that shit straightened out.

While in Delaware, I also caught a mess of movies. On DVD, I saw Due Date and Tron. In theaters, I saw Arthur. Here are a few sentences on all of those!

Due Date. Okay, I wanted to see this movie when I came out, since I am a Galifan-akis (copyright: me, right now) and Robert Downey Jr. is usually a hit. Then it got shitty reviews, and was out of theaters. I figured that most people expected The Hangover 2 (soon, you guys! Just not now!) and didn't quite get that. Well.

It wasn't bad. It was light, moderately funny, and although it had a few plotholes, I'd watch it again. What do you guys expect? SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO YOU GUYS EXPECT.

Tron. I spent most of this film making fun of the film. We didn't see it in 3D. However, being that I ate a half pound of Gummy Lobsters during the movie, I can't really justify my overall opinion. I think it was a theater-movie, not a "sit at home and eat so much gummy candy that you consider calling an ambulance" movie.

Arthur. Man, did this movie get panned. Pans were seriously just being thrown at Russell Brand. But let me honestly tell you, this film was not bad.

I admitted before that I really think Russell Brand is oddly charming. Also, I didn't see the original. People who hate remakes shouldn't see this film, since they'll be pissed off from the get-go. People who think Brand is a lanky, high-pitched, knotty mess shouldn't see this film either.

That aside, it was funny. I didn't think my $8 was a rip-off. What was a rip-off was the bottle of water I bought for $3.25. We all know Aquafina is toilet water anyway, you guys. I felt like Brand mixed with Helen Mirren was somewhat genius. And despite the fact that I have yet to watch Mirren on last week's SNL (since I was too busy reading Bossypants and damning the gummy lobsters that betrayed me), I most definitely will.

I guess mentioning the gummy lobsters is a perfect segue to my dentist story.

So, I finally went to get my dental cleaning. I left work about 20 minutes early and set off, despite the looming thunderstorms and other weather conditions that scare me a whole lot.

My dentist is also my new dentist. My last dentist was in NJ, and the last time I got a cleaning (roughly 4 years ago) I felt awkward since the guy (who was new to the practice/possibly interning? I forget) doing the cleaning was kind of cute. Latoya, who happened to see the same exact guy, shared my opinions. There's nothing more sensual than a hot dentist scraping all the nicotine stains from your teeth, in my opinion.

So, my new dentist is in PA. I went to get my X-rays done last week (aka "Let me stick this wire with a plate on it in your mouth, and try not to move! NO, MOVE YOUR TONGUE UP. Wait. This isn't going to work") and I was impressed with the facility. They offered coffee, which I thought was counterproductive, and had a nice selection of Dental Magazines that I did not read. Plus, they seemed nice enough.

I hate to admit that at the age of 27, I still chose "Cookie Dough" for my polish flavor of choice. "Have you had any comments on the cookie dough?" I embarrassingly asked the woman. "No, but if you hate it, I can switch over," she said. I can just imagine, mid-cleaning, me freaking out over the cookie dough and DEMANDING the mint, which anyone else in my age range should have chosen to begin with. Then suffering a mix of Cookie Dough Mint, which only Ben and Jerry's could possibly make tolerable after numerous years of research.

Then came the tooth imprints. See, being a new patient, I'm eligible for a free whitening. However, it's not done in-house as I thought. It's done out-house. They make the tray that fits my jank teeth perfectly, and I fuck up the process royally by myself.

To take imprints, they take a big metal plate and fill it with what looks to be color changing sidewalk cement. They bond your teeth, and voila!

"I must warn you," I said. "I have a very narrow mouth." The woman, who I'll call Cecilia, laughed. Sure I did. What did I think I was, special?

Cecilia proceeded to fit EVERY SINGLE ONE of the trays in my mouth, to see which ones adequately held my teeth. None of them did. Cecilia started to panic. "This has never happened before," she bemoaned. "I just don't know what to do." "I'M SCRAPING YOUR TEETH, I KNOW IT!"

And I did what I do best. I totally laughed in her face. "TOLD YOU SO," I exclaimed, before angrily tossing all the failed plates out the window, pushed down the exam chair, and ran out of there like a cookie dough champion.

No. That didn't happen. But I did laugh, since I'm so used to this. I'm a dentist's nightmare. And I also have veins that won't appear for blood tests. I've frustrated many medical professionals before. My reign of frustration started right out of the womb, when I decided I wanted to be born 10 weeks before average. It's just who I am.

Every time Cecilia tried to get a proper imprint, she held my plated-jaw like I was a dog she was about to put to sleep. "It's okay, she calmly told me." "Am I pinching your jaw? I feel like I am. I'm so sorry. I hope this works. Are you in any pain?"

Muffled Karen Response, While Drooling: MNOO

I kind of wish someone took a picture of me, at that exact moment, since it'd make for a killer default image. It'd tell the world "Yes, this happened. This is me. This is my life."

Cecilia finally found a kids tray, which worked. A KIDS TRAY. So, let's keep tally of this:

1. I asked for cookie dough polish
2. The only tray in the whole dentist that would encase a good number of my teeth was made for age-range 4-6.

Another thing to keep in mind. Every time the imprint failed, I was left with caky, plaster flakes all over my face, so I looked like a fat 12 year old who wouldn't control himself at a birthday party. That plaster lasted on my face until I got home, traumatized. Despite trying to wash it off at the dentists office, there was only so much you could do with tissues and a sink without looking overly dramatic.

Upon check-out, Cecilia and I had a good laugh with the other front desk workers about how I was a pain in the ass. One of them, the office manager, told me I should play the tuba, since her husband has a narrow mouth and is good at the tuba. I told her with a laugh that I suck at all musical instruments sans tambourine, and that spit valves are disgusting, and most likely the sole reason I quit marching band, since people emptied them in the stadium and it was disgusting.

Then I mistakenly reminded them that I already received the discount during the last visit, and was most likely overcharged. They then scheduled me for an appointment to get my disastrous trays fitted, and a 6-month check up I am 98% sure I'm going to ditch. What fun!

In Summary, Lessons Learned:

1. I am not an adult.
2. My teeth are a problem for the world.
3. Free teeth whitening is more trouble than it's worth. Will anyone like me better since I've upped a shade?

In final news! Greg and I are looking to move to a new apartment.

For all of those who have been reading since the beginning, yes. This is technically my 87th move. And yes, I was really against the concept of packing up and moving again, but we're both tired of living in a beautiful market that wasn't supposed to be an apartment. And I'm tired of having every piece of debris fall between the cracks of two wooden floor planks. I seriously think I've spotted multiple Advil gelcaps in there.

And also? (Full circle closure!) ... We totally miss Dan.

A Tale of One Dan

2011-04-02T22:23:00.007-04:00

There's been so much I've wanted to write about, but there's been no time! There's never any time!

I've wanted to do a post of the "5 Cartoons You Should Be Watching" for about three weeks now. So I'll go ahead and do that later on. Keep in

mind that 75% of what I watch is in cartoon form, as it was when I was 7 and didn't like any entertainment that had people in it. I remember being insanely disappointed when I learned that National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation wasn't a cartoon like the beginning implied. I honestly remember walking out of the room, all frowny and displeased.

First, I want to talk about yesterday without getting that Rebecca Black song in my head. On Friday, after a somewhat tough week, I manage to make it home post work-and-errands around 6. Pandas were playing a show in Altoona, so I looked forward to a night where I could

unapologetically watch all of the worst shows on Instant Netflix, and maybe paint my nails without killing Greg with polish-smell. You know. Girl's night in.

After chatting with my Dad, I remembered that I forgot to go to the bank to deposit a check. So while I"m ready to head out the door, I hear.. noise.

Now, here's a brief backstory. Around the time I moved into this apartment, so did Dan, our next-door neighbor. Dan worked from home, was relatively quiet, and had 11 children - who only came over every other weekend or so. Even when they were noisy, it was a livable noise. He was a decent, if not a bit frazzled dude.

About 3 weeks ago, Greg told me that he's under the impression that Dan had moved out. He saw Dan moving a bunch of stuff to his car, thought he saw a cleaning service come in, and - well - the apartment was lightless and empty for some time. I felt pretty sad about it. Dan signed for all my stupid Charlotte Russe packages, and to the best of my knowledge, never got pissed off that I always had crap sent at home rather than work, where I could readily sign for it.

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you'll know I truly mean it when I say Dan was lightyears better than my last two neighbors over at Lime St. who lived upstairs - the "we hate you for having one party" jerks, and the "WOOO! SPORTS!" guys. I appreciate a good neighbor, especially since back in NJ, my neighborhood is like a delightful sitcom.

Anyway! So I'm on my way to the bank, and who do I see? DAN!

I think.

Hauling garbage in my hands, I awkwardly blurt out a "HeeEEEyyy!!" And then I was like,

"Wait. Is that Dan, or a new neighbor?" Maybe-Dan looked puzzled by my enthusiasm, but says hi back. No introduction, or anything.

Then I attempt to go to the bank, and fail, since the ATM was broken and driving to the second Wachovia (soon to be Wells Fargo, as 9000 notifications and the internet have harassed me about) was in the midst of the First Friday-induced city (ie: no parking spaces, people walk in front of your car in motion) and coming home, I see Maybe-Dan from a distance. "Okay, it's not him" I tell myself. But then I get closer, and assume it's him again. Then I seek security indoors, and fire up Sims 3.

(Yes. I started playing it again, and many days have been ruined because of it. Shut up! IT'S MY LIFE!)

I think to myself - I must be the worst neighbor ever. My neighbor is gone for three weeks, and I FORGET WHAT HIS FACE LOOKS LIKE. Even worse, a whole day has passed, and I still have no clue whether or not it was him. I tried to peek at his door from my curtain, but as our apartments share a similar "lobby" area, it'd have been completely obvious. And if it was a new

guy, his first impression would be that I'm a psycho.

Greg and I have been swapping possible stories all day. Despite him not seeing Maybe-Dan, he swears that Dan is long gone. My working theory is that he reconciled with his wife after a three-week period, and is moving back in with her. I spotted a woman in the apartment, which helped me believe that it wasn't Dan (sorry, Dan) but this aforementioned theory would back up my belief even more. I must also add to the story that I got a Comcast notification on our shared door, which mentioned that he cut off service.

I now realize this lengthy story I just shared is only truly interesting to me. But! I'll keep you all posted on DanGate 2011.

In other news, I dyed my hair and bought a hoodie. Here's emo evidence of both:

I never thought I'd find another hoodie like MY hoodie that I over-wore for years, and still have - despite one of the arms having literally 12+ holes in it. This may be a contender.

And to end? My 5 Cartoons You Must Be Watching (in order. #1 being the best.) (This is probably where video embedding will screw up this whole layout. Yeah. I know.)

#5 Archer

Okay, I fully admit that I haven't watched a lot of Archer. It's one of those shows that's on your TiVo, and when you watch it you enjoy it, but you're never like "I CAN'T MISS ARCHER TONIGHT, YOU GUYS. I'M GOING HOME"

It premiered in 2010, and it's in its second season now. Very funny writing, and a very awesome vocal cast: H. Jon Benjamin, Aisha Tyler, Jessica Walter (woo, Arrested Development!) and Chris Parnell (woo, SNL!)

#4 Adventure Time

Adventure Time is on Cartoon Network, and follows Jake the dog and Finn the human, both heroes. Unfortunately, Cartoon Network blocks video embedding, so click on the link to see the short regarding the Pie Throwing Robot episode.

Jake is voiced by John DiMaggio, who also does the voice of Bender on Futurama, which definitely adds to the appeal. Jake also has a Korean Unicorn girlfriend. Enough said. Awesome.

#3 American Dad

Okay, so I hate Seth McFarlane for the most part. Family Guy has its moments, but (don't hate me for this), it's usually a ten minute plot stretched to 30 with stupid flashbacks and long jokes.

Cleveland Show? Eh. I watch it, but it's not very inspired.

But American Dad? Love it. I actually sought out episodes on Instant Netflix, instead of just watching stale episodes that were taped on Tivo, "just since it's something to have on" (cough cough. Simpsons. cough cough.)

They won me over with Reginald the Koala who appears not-so-often but has an insanely catchy intro.

#2 Bob's Burgers

I seriously didn't imagine this show could be much, but oh my gosh. It saves the Sunday night Animation Domination on FOX (cough cough. Simpsons. cough cough.)

One key thing to note is that Bob is actually a lovable Dad. Bob actually likes his family. Very rare for animation, in my opinion.

Also, Tina wins as my favorite character. Her zombie love fantasies, and awkward teenage lines make me crack up.

AND FINALLY!

#1 Regular Show

I watched this show by accident, since TiVo picked it up in its "Suggestions". Best suggestion ever, machine!

Now, to make this #1 on my list right now is a gamble, as I honestly just started watching it about a month or so ago. But in that time I've caught 10-ish episodes, and each one goes from normal to lovably strange. But being that the central characters are a bluebird and a raccoon, I guess that's to be expected.

The embedded coffee link was actually to the first episode I watched. I kind of wish I could find a link to the somewhat-recent episode, where Rigby gets a terrible song stuck in his head, and the song becomes a physical being, in the shape of a dancing cassette tape. So awesome.

And, oh my god it's 12. I should probably post this and go to bed, as I'm 27 now, and 12 feels like the equivalent of 20-year-old 3 AM.

Yornings

2011-03-13T14:48:00.010-04:00

So, while a nice portion of my friends are at PAX East, I had my own little Lancaster celebration last night. Here's the backstory: D sent me a text saying that Pete Yorn would be playing at the club about a month ago. I did further research, and found out Ben Kweller was opening for him. I did a mild celebratory dance that day, and then things got hectic, and then re-remembered the show was coming up maybe a day or so prior to yesterday.

I admit. My show-going days have been minimal recently. I've tried to think back to the last actual touring act I've seen, and it may have been Matt Pond PA last April. I know Between the Buried and Me was in there somewhere, and while trying to mentally create a show timeline with both D and Greg, we all came up short. Therefore, I didn't really know what to expect. Especially since my Pete Yorn and Ben Kweller lust were both circa 2003-2004, and they probably recorded 900 songs since that I didn't know.

But they were both awesome. I didn't realize I did know a lot of the songs they still played on tours, despite botching a few lyrics (yes: I'm the fan that poorly sings along. Not to a "screaming into the ear of the person in front of me" extreme, but I get into it.)

Prior to the show, I kind of made an impulse buy. Even though my bank account is currently at an all-time low, I was on a mission to buy a new curling iron with the Best Buy gift certificate that Gina kindly gifted to me for my birthday. My last one was perhaps a decade old, and many accidental hand burns had been suffered throughout that time.

Well, I left Best Buy with a new digital camera. Oops. My last one was in the stages of biting the dust, and since I always fail to buy myself nice things, it was about time, right? I opted out of the bundle package, which included a tripod (which would have made Dan "Your videos are constantly shaky, Karen, and you really should consider a tripod" Kelly very happy) and a dorky camera case. But, it was still somewhat of an expense. (Not like you care, but I got the curling iron at Target. I figured you only live once, right?)

So! All of these show pictures that I'm posting are the positive point to all of the debt I'm going to have. Hooray!

Here is Ben Kweller. His hair is significantly longer than in the days of the cover of "On My Way", and sadly, he did not bring his wolf friends with him. Unless they were just hanging out backstage, but the odds of that are quite slim.

Ben seemed to be very "anything goes", and wasn't a jerk about requests. He ended with "Wasted and Ready", which I have video for that I'm probably going to be too lazy to upload. Someday!

And here are three random snaps of Pete. He actually had a projector, a fog machine, and crazy lights on stage with him, so photos were a bit challenging. Especially when you bought your camera 1 hour beforehand, and know Canon basics, but are not a Canon-expert.

Sidenote: Just got word from Kyle that Pete Yorn ate a burrito after the show. Thus, this picture I made and saved for some reason still rings true:

I must thank D for buying the ticket for me, going with me, and securing a nice place up in front for us. It was a magical night of wonder, and we both got to chat with a lot of people we haven't seen for awhile. Also, Pete Yorn pointed at me, which totally justified the poster I had of him by my bed at my off-campus apartment back in college. That poster did a very good job of scaring people away. (He actually recognized my existence for one second! WOOOOOOOO!)

D and I went back to her place and watched the tail end of SNL with Zach Galifianakis, which was just perfectly placed in a day filled with "boys Karen like". Greg told me that once again his monologue was made of major win, so a full rewatch is planned shortly after I press the "Publish Post" button below.

Then I fell asleep on her couch, and slept somewhat soundly. I don't know if I've ever expressed my love of D's couch on here before, but I have to D (and to the couch) multiple times. Best couch ever.

And with that, I shall depart. However, it's in character to complain about Daylight Savings Time, so I'll do that before I go.

First, I learned that Daylight Savings Time was happening due to a sign outside some business off of Rt. 30. Otherwise I'd still be living in the past, and think something happened at T-Mobile to reflect the automatic time change. I don't know. Maybe their home location got hit by a lightning bolt or something. (Yes, I know that eventually someone else would have reminded me, and that I'm up to date with celebrity news, but not real life news. WHATEVER, GUYS. Wasn't Lindsay's last court dress kind of cute?)

Anyway. To protest losing an hour, I recommend throwing heavy things and massive mental breakdowns. Daylight Savings Time, I will always hate you. You took an hour away from me that I could have spent with D's couch, or Pete Yorn. In fact, I'm totally certain he would have wanted to hang out with me and discuss his lyrics from musicforthemorningafter had time not been an issue. I'm positive.

End rant.

Hours-Later Side Note: I accidentally realized that my last Pete Yorn-related blog post is here. And yes - I re-use that same, awful MS-Paint related picture.

Survivor, Episode 2: Attack of the Clones

2011-02-23T21:38:00.006-05:00

(Yeah, I can't make that graphic smaller. If only.)

Alright. Survivor happened once again, and once again I watched it and "took minutes". (I realized that technically, "recap" isn't the correct phrase. It's more like "sentences about the show and stuff that happens at my apartment while the show is going on.)

I'm so happy they quit the "What If?" spots they ran in the midst of commercials last week. I'm also so happy to see that Phillip has a pair of red swim trunks, which he should be wearing at all times.

Not happy about how Boston Rob namedropped Amber a ton of times. I'd like to think that some people watching have no clue who she is.

8:06 - Are they already plotting for final 6?
8:10 - Ometepe. Phillip goes hunting for crabs in his pink briefs. The rest of the cast makes fun of him.
8:11 - Phillip starts to cry, thinking about America. America is embarrassed.
8:11 - Special Agent Count: 2. Although I did miss the intro. I predict at this point, "Special Agent" will be said about 5 more times.
8:13 - Uhh, Russell? Don't call Ralph dumb. And don't inappropriately touch Stephanie.
8:15 - I left for a minute, and asked Greg what happened, for recap-sake. Not being a fan, his response was "I don't know. I think one of them found one of the things."
8:20 - Someone talks about God putting him in an Alliance. Yeah. I'm sure that's on his list.
8:26 The brunette girl just said she wants to make big moves with Boston Rob, but we all know that means "ride his coattails till the end"
8:27 "I WILL OUTLAST ANY MAN!!! OVER THERE" - Phillip
8:27 Remember when Survivor challenges used to be awesome? And not like, "We'll have a ring toss! Whoever puts a ball in a fishbowl wins fishing supplies!" Man, Probst. Your creative team is getting weak.
8:28 Serena tries to pick up some ground on the swim challenge, as well as pick up some coverage from her bikini bottoms.
8:29 Ralph and Phillip try to break tiles. I'm on Team Ralph here, you guys. He's broken 3 tiles!
8:29 Ralph breaks all the tiles! Zapatera wins, again! And again, Boston Rob looks like he's going to cry!
8:29 Probst goes over the Redemption Island crap again.
8:32 Russell steals a clue! And nobody notices!
8:32 I swear, Kristen Wiig is on Russell's team.
8:35 Ralph asks Russell point blank if he has a clue, and Russell being a jerk about it should have given him the answer. Which is "Yes."
8:36 Ooh, Redemption Island. Francesca! She has her luxury item, which is a journal. (Greg's Response:"... Really?")
8:37 Phillip makes a speech before Tribal Council. Nobody responds. Eventually Boston Rob feels bad about everyone's silence, and congratulates him on... talking.
8:39 Kristina says she's giving up the Idol for reals tonight. Even though I don't even think people remember she has it, despite last week's CrazyJury.
8:45 Fake Fabio (Matt) will be voted for, and nobody has a clue! Boston Rob, you're so schemey...
8:46 Boston Rob treats Phillip like a 12-year-old. "I'll put my RIGHT hand on who I'm voting for, during the council."
8:47 I have to say, the Tribal Immunity necklace is badass. I hope Charlotte Russe makes a cheap, $5 copy of it that I can break in the span of a week!
8:48 Phillip flashes his tats. A gorilla and a lion. He says he's like a gorilla and lion towards his family and the United States.
8:48 No offense Boston Rob, but you have no arm muscle definition. You kind of look like Gumby.
8:49 Phillip looks forward to Redemption Island, so he can beat up Franches-quaa.
8:50 It's time to vote.
8:51 I had to ask Greg who Boston Rob put his arm on, since I totally didn't even pay attention. Meanwhile, Kristina interrupts Jeff and hands over her idol. She knows the drill.
8:52 Matt leaves. Everyone is shocked! Blindsided!

Huh. Looks like I was dead wrong with that Secret Agent count. Unless namedropping "America" and "The United States" subtly blends in with aforementioned count.

My Overall Thoughts: Eh, kind of dull. Thank god Phillip explained the meaning of his tattoos, since otherwise I wouldn't be able to get to sleep tonight. "What does that lion stand for?" I'd wonder. Thank you Phillip, for putting all of the pieces together.

My Friend Jenn's Thought (via gchat) (about Boston Rob):

Jennifer: yeah he's so weird
i feel like he really thinks he's at the top of his game but like, is all over the place

My Dad's Thought: "So what is the deal with Redemption Island? Are they going to like, show them fight in the beginning of next episode? I have a feeling nobody knows what direction that's going in."

(Keep in mind, both my Dad and I fail to watch the "Scenes from Our Next Episode", as my Dad usually falls asleep at 9, and we both forget about them by next week anyway. So if this is revealed, let me know.)

And, since I've already posted about something I like that not too many other people like, let me go ahead and post this picture of David Cook.

And now, let me take the chance to fawn all over him. David Cook, I love you. Please tour again soon. And please release your CD already. I NEED IT. SERIOUSLY, I NEED IT. AND IF YOU GO ON TOUR, CAN I COME TOO?

Okay. Until next week!

Damaged Wolverine Genes

2011-02-23T12:55:00.005-05:00

Before I start, everyone in the world must see this. And by everyone, I mean "People who like Parks & Recreation". Oh Ben Wyatt/Adam Scott, how I've grown to love you. Kudos to Gina for finding this link, and making my early afternoon. But now I must move forward. And moving has been kind of a challenge for me today.

See, I have a new enemy. That enemy is "Circuits".

I decided to make a glorious return back to the gym last night, after about two weeks of very well thought out excuses. ("I'm just too tired." "Well, (insert random show that probably isn't even good this season) is on tonight, and I have to watch it live, since television is unfortunately a hobby."

My gym has a cute little area for Circuits, and I figured that it was kind of for the "gym member on the go." Since I never have any place to go after 5, I stuck with my typical routine. (The elliptical means that I can watch Jeopardy!) Greg, heroically, decided to try circuits once a few weeks back, and I laughed at him. I especially laughed at how worn out he was afterward, until - well - I tried it myself. I wanted to die.

Before I go on - I should take this time to not be a jerk, and not only commend Greg on his ability to complete the circuit in one shot (I, personally, was hallucinating and seeing colors midway through) but wish him a happy birthday. He's 28 today. 28, and good at circuits. What a great combo! It's definitely a day to celebrate!

As I was saying - The circuits are ten machines. You get on a machine when the light on the wall turns green, then gather your belongings/wipe down your machine/socialize/complain when the light turns red. Then you get on the stepper for the next green light, feel like you're about to die until the light is red once more, and then get on the next numbered machine on your circuit. So pretty much, it's constant. And there is a lot of movement. And despite watching The Biggest Loser and seeing people who are much larger than myself push it to the limit for hours on end, I still felt I just couldn't do it. My legs turned intojell-o. The worst flavor.

The circuit, of course, came back to haunt me today. I feel beaten up. Everything on me hurts right now, except for my pride. Looks can be deceiving: The circuit training is not cute, no matter how much purple and yellow paint Planet Fitness surrounds the place with.

Tool Statement of the Day: Know what's awesome after the gym? Cucumber water. Oh my goodness. It's like... well, it's like drinking a cucumber. Yes.

Post-gym, I had some hand cramps as well, since I've been really busy playing Marvel vs. Capcom 3 on xBox. Honestly - my hands were aching last night, since supposedly I don't know how to properly deal with controllers. Like a champ, I played through the pain. Since Iron Man would have wanted it that way. (Sidenote: After xBox on Monday, parts of my right hand went numb. I figured I slept on it funny, which may be true - but the real cause was identified much later.) (Extra sidenote: I had to make sure I wrote out this paragraph to avoid any possible "That's What She Said"-esque statements.)

Iron Man is seriously on my Must-Have team of 3. The concept of the game is quite simple. Choose a team of 3 jerks, and have them fight 3 other jerks. It's kind of Street Fighter-esque, except they have an "easy" mode, and sometimes when you're playing, you have honestly no idea what's going on. I've actually graduated to "normal" level, since I'm obviously hand-crampingly awesome by this point. Besides Iron Man, I depend solely on X-23 (Wolverine's female "clone", who dresses way sluttier than Wolverine) and Dante. Dante's from something, I'm not sure, but I'm took lazy to look it up. Let's just say, he pretty much has 900000 moves of complete destruction. He's the power of this whole team.

Hours pass while playing this game. Like, I could take on a match at 9, and then what seems to be 15 minutes later is actually 2 hours later, and all of a sudden my eyes are burning.

I guess to summarize this entry so far, "I Hurt! All the time!"

Since I'm bound to bore you all with a Survivor recap tonight, I'll end on this. As one of my Resolutions for this year was to catch up on all of the music from 2010, this .. well, this doesn't count, since this was released this January. Although I'm big into music, and haven't really been too into female vocalists since the Sarah McLachlan/Surfacing, Lisa Loeb/Tails, Fiona Apple/When The Pawn (and most of the first album, as well) era of my life, I really don't remember the last time I actually had an emotional reaction to a song.

Leigh told me about Adele prior, but while I kind of shrugged her off and continued watching Simpsons reruns every day, I couldn't ignore her e-mailed threat to my Dad and I to AT LEAST check out this song. So I bit, and went over to youtube. And I seriously haven't stopped listening to it since. For everyone who I've promised a mix CD to in the recent weeks, this song will definitely be on it. Ladies and Gentleman.. "Someone Like You" by Adele, from her most recent album, "21".

Redemption Recap

2011-02-16T21:19:00.008-05:00

You guys, blame Heidi. She was the sole person who said to do the Survivor Recap. So what you're going to read is all her fault. (Just don't do anything too vengeful based on how much you hate this recap, since I see her daily, and like her. She's good people.)

I must also mention that I had to re-google that Jeff Probst picture. I had to face my fear. Kind of like how my decade-long fear of Ernie and Bert had to be ended in high school, when I sat down and stared at a picture of Bert noseless (Ernie stole the nose to finish a sculpture. The episode ruined me.) I didn't stare as intently at the Jeff Probst picture (cause, I'm sorry - but, gross!) but acknowledging that it existed in this wide world helped make this Survivor experience not traumatizing.

And Too Late Kev - thank you for your input on the situation. I'm glad my pleas to not google lead to massive googling. I would have done exactly the same thing!

So, let's get to it. My timestamped notes on Survivor: Redemption Island. Or should I say, Survivor: This Will Work You Guys, I Swear.

8:00 Jeff Probst is over the Pacific Ocean, in America.
8:01 Is that Fabio? Huh, no. It's "Matt". Someone in the casting department has a type!
8:01 39 DAYS. 18 PEOPLE. ONE. SURVIVOR. Yeah, we know.
The helicopter gracefully lands on the beach. Mike thinks he'll win just since he was in the Marine Corps. I doubt this will be true.
8:04 A second helicopter lands, with "two more players". I bet it's Boston Rob and Russell.
8:05 It's Boston Rob. And Russell.
8:06 Francesca speaks, and refers to them as troublemakers. Great first impression, Francesca. Bitch.
8:07 Rob and Russell draw for tribes. Rob joins Omatephawyye. Russell joins Zapterarjasa.
8:09 Jeff Probst talks about Redemption Island. I stop paying attention, since I made butternut squash soup. That dude in the suit made a stupid decision. I guess going on Survivor wearing a suit is great, if you dream about ruining suits.
8:12 Zapatera, Day One. Russell says that this is his season, but then talks about how he's going to be the leader and ... pretty much play the game the same way he did the last two times.
8:15 There's a surprising amount of man on man action building this shelter.
8:15 Francesca already pinpointed Phillip as being "most annoying", even though it looks like he's just being helpful. Phillip lets everyone in on the "secret" that he's an ex Federal Agent, and then kisses all the women.
8:20 Ometepe tribe. Red tank top girl is totes looking for the clue. Boston Rob knows about it, and seems cool, but now she's just frustrated. Wait. Are Boston Rob and Phillip the only dudes on this tribe? I must be missing some people.
8:20 Russell already formed an alliance with some cute tough girl. I bet this will totally last!
8:25 These whole Survivor "What If" things are mega lame. "WHAT IF BRENDA LAST SEASON HAD A REDEMPTION ISLAND?" Probst, I'm sorry. You're not selling me on this concept.
8:27 Ometepe. Numerous shots of a chick picking at her teeth with a piece of wood.
8:27 Red tank top girl actually found an idol. And she's thinking of getting rid of... Rob?
8:30 Oh, Phillip. Your "swimsuit" is too tiny. Just. Too. Tiny.
8:30 Teeny Bikini Phillip mentions how he's a Federal agent again. And thank you! Francesca mentions his "droopy, fuschia briefs" on camera!
8:31 FIRST CHALLENGE. (And, uh. LAST CHALLENGE as well.) Block puzzle. Temple building. "First tribe to get it right wins immunity." Thank god that rule is still in play. I bet next season, the first tribe to get it wrong wins.
8:33 Zapatera is rocking. They moved three blocks! And then run up the steps!
8:34 Ralph the Farmer, will you marry me? Seriously. Your overalls, and your facial hair, and your physical strength are all working for me.
8:36 Oops. Zapatera lost their lead. And Boston Rob is "leading" as Jeff always expected.
8:36 False alarm! Zapatera wins immunity. Go Ralph! Boston Rob looks like he's going to cry, and Russell explains it's because he just realized he's in a tribe with "a bunch of weenies"
8:39 I swear, this show has no commercials. Blonde girl is talking about how it's sad to let down Boston Rob. Come on, jerks! He's just a person!
8:40 Christina with the immunity idol tells Francesca, and the two high-five about how she's not going home tonight. It'd be awesome if she went home.
8:42 Boston Rob talks about voting off Christina. Come on, editors. This is just lazy.
8:45 Jeff Probst talks about fire representing life, as per usual, and then talks about how now it may not represent life, due to that shitty Redemption Island crap.
8:48 Phillip mentions he's a former Agent once again. After a bunch of "EXCUSE ME'S" He also can't pronounce Francesca's name. I bet he can't even spell his own tribe's name.
8:48 SHIT! Phillip outs the idol. Christina is fucked. They're all talking about who they're voting for already.
8:48 Phillip mispronounces Francesca's name again, and blames it on a dry mouth. He lets everyone know he's getting treatment for it.
8:48-8:51 All shit breaks loose. I'm too focused on Phillip's aforementioned medical issue to jot down specific notes.
8:52 Probst reads the votes. Kristina. (Oops. I typed her name wrong, and I'm too lazy to edit. Sorry, guys.) Francesca. Phillip.
8:53 Aaand, Francesca is out. For now. Since she's going to Redemption Island. Yes guys, this concept will work! I think. Ugh.

My Final Summary: This could either be really, really boring, or really hilarious. I think I nearly fell asleep before the Tribal Council. I'd like to thank that butternut squash soup for helping me make it through till 9.

My Dad's Commentary: "Phillip is a psycho. I don't want to be under the same roof as that guy."

My Friend Jenn's Commentary, via gchat (During the Tribal Council)

Jennifer: i love this dreadlock mullet dude

And, there you have it. Week one.

She's Got a Whale Tail.

2011-02-15T14:00:00.005-05:00

I feel like a loser. This is my 150th post. One might celebrate that, but since I started this blog during the time I moved back to PA (2008), that isn't really such a huge accomplishment. Let's all hope that blogger is wrong, and this is really my 1150th post. Or at least my 180th post.

Reaching 150 in the span of 3 years isn't even a reason to get an "honorable mention". If my blog were in the blog Olympics, it'd be the blog that overslept on the day of competition.

My last truly momentous post was my 100th post. It was written in 2009. And not even late 2009 - January 26th, 2009.

Anyway.

So, I didn't really watch the Grammys. I finally gave in to Grammy temptation during Cee-lo's set, which seemed like some horrible/awesome dream. I didn't even notice Paltrow was there, based on how blinded I was by Muppets and colors. Then I saw Katy Perry play under wedding footage of her and Russell - which was pretty cool. Then I shut it off, and woke up to learn Arcade Fire had won.

The backlash of this win has seriously made my week so far. I'm sure by now you've all seen the Who Is Arcade Fire tumblr, which I must give someone insane kudos for. Come on guys - don't you remember the trailer for Where The Wild Things Are? That's when the band sold out and totally went mainstream. And you've totally heard of them. That trailer alone caused "Wake Up" to be on repeat on my iTunes for about 45 months. I played it so hard that my computer fell apart. Since I've seen it, you've totally seen it.

This weekend, I was able to celebrate my birthday with two of my favorite people - Dad and Leigh. (Aw, I bet you thought I was going to say people who weren't my immediate family. But I went with my immediate family. Sorry.)

I pretty much hid from all NJ friends (so if you're pissed off that I was in town for 24 hours, I avoided everyone except for the aforementioned people above) since I didn't want to cram so much stuff within such a short amount of time, and sister-time was a high need.

I also spent a lot of delicious quality time with my cake of choice. Fudgey the Fucking Whale, bitches! (Wikipedia told me his official name is spelled 'Fudgie". I guess I can get behind that from here on out.) I didn't even think cake was an option, especially the world famous whale ice cream cake of my dreams. This is perhaps my third or fourth birthday in which the whale was present, but I must say, this one ranks as the #1...

...Solely because I gave Leigh full permission to write whatever she wanted on top of the cake. And she secretly did. In fact, I didn't know what the cake said until it was presented to me in the kitchen. Behold!

Leigh (who is, note, older than me) and I have a specific bond over ice cream cake messages. Although our parents were not pleased with the "Happy New Glasses!" Anniversary cake we got them about a decade or so ago, we - to this day - think it was hilarious. Get a sense of humor, Dad! Happy Anniversary!

Here are some of the phrases I thought would top the cake. Leigh admits that most of them are a good idea, yet a bit too cruel. I would have accepted them anyway.

1. You're Adopted.
2. Happy Birthday Second Favorite Daughter.
3. Happy Birthday One Month Ago.
4. I Hate You.
5. Happy 37th Birthday.

I have nine good months - to the day! - till I can prep for Leigh's next birthday, so I will take all suggestions in order to continue this tradition of wonderful cake revenge.

And finally! Survivor starts again tomorrow? Huh. I really hope they cast a bunch of attractive, cruel jerks, since they never do that!

I'm actually a bit miffed that Russell and "Boston Rob" are coming back. A secret pet peeve of mine include people who are famous solely for being on Survivor more than once. I can understand going on the show at max, twice, but more than that? Get a life already! Move on!

(I was going to have a picture of Jeff Probst on here to celebrate, but thanks to google images, I now know what a naked Jeff Probst looks like. I'm not going to lie to you - I'm kind of scarred. And it was on the first page! Bleeaghhh! INTERNET!)

I'm considering doing a recap like I used to for Project Runway, but in order for me to proceed, I need to know at least one of you cares!

That's it for now. Don't google Jeff Probst. Ok, bye.

Pratfall Puppies

2011-02-10T12:30:00.006-05:00

Well, my 27th birthday was a lot of fun. I actually got there after... all of my guests did. I arrived around 9:15-9:20, as to not be the first one there, but I guess I've have very timely friends. I'll remember that for next year, when I plan to extinguish any cake candles with unstoppable weeping.

As I write this, I feel like I'm in the beginning stages of true sickness. I've had a (well, I thought it was) foolproof method to avoid colds for the past 3 or so months: One large glass of Grapefruit Juice, and two chewable, gummy-Vitamin C's. The gummies are the best, since one can argue that they take form of healthy candy. I can eat 900 of them, and not get fat! I'll probably go to the hospital because I'm orange and ill, but that illness will NOT be a cold, and I'll probably survive it. Right?

Anyway, I guess that method finally failed. I was a zombie at work yesterday, and figured it was probably just a bad night of sleep. But as the day progressed, and coffee had been consumed, I actually felt worse. All of my symptoms pretty much went through 15 minute intervals. I went to bed early. Like an old woman. And I still don't feel that great. As one can tell by my use of italics.

And today? Today it just hurts to smile. I typed that symptom into WebMD, and it turns out I have psoriasis.

I think I got sick since I knew something bad was on the horizon, and I can now safely blame the split-up of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. (Honestly, I kind of forgot about them entirely until now, but then remembered the fact that their kid's middle name is from The Jungle Book. Mowgli? Seriously? I bet that kid is going to get older, and get beaten up by a bully named Aladdin "The Beast" Kingtriton.)

The last time I heard about Ashlee, I think it involved some kind of boozy argument she had. Or boozy appearance. Or a boozy lipsyching competition (insult circa 2005) Let's just agree she was drunk. (Before I continue, let me say that I think her plastic surgery actually suits her well. I think she was pretty before, but I think she's pretty now as well, in a non-Heidi Montag-fucked up way)

So let's just get these snarky comments out of the way now. Note: I never said they were funny.

1. Ashlee Simpson broke up with Pete Wentz since he was rumored to be erratic? I heard he was rumored to have no money anymore!

2. I guess Joe Simpson can only allow for one daughter to be married at a time!

3. Did Ashlee Simpson do a hoedance* after failing her marriage?

4. Will this be on the Ashlee Simpson show? Wait, that was cancelled?

5. Now that Pete Wentz is free, let's match him up with Jennifer Aniston. They're both single, and both went through divorces, so they'll get along.

6. Who is Pete Wentz?

7. I think Bronx Mowgli has enough of a complicated situation to get through already.

8. Looks like Ashlee's beer-goggles finally wore off, for the first time since 2008.

That's all I got today, folks! (No ill will towards you, Mr. Wentz. You're not unattractive. And I'm sure you're a nice-enough dude.)

* I swear, I meant hoedown. But, typo stays.

In other celebrity divorce news, it looks like Kelsey Grammar is finally free. Kelsey Grammar, who won my respect again due to his cameo on 30 Rock and that video where he falls off a stage, has already moved on, I believe.

Here's that video once again where he falls off a stage. I've probably talked about this before, since I've watched it a total of 9 billion times.

Sidenote: I only mentioned Kelsey so that I could link that video again. My mind works in weird ways, people. The other day after looking up the Ashlee news, I was reminded of Cheyenne from MTV (who is getting married now?) since they both had short-lived MTV shows. Then things got hazy, and I found myself looking up the kids from Kid Nation on facebook, to see which ones were still friends. Most of them are! Such good kids.
Second Sidenote: I've learned about these divorces so quickly thanks to Gina, who e-mailed me while she was at lunch, as well as the Google Reader I finally decided to enable. Hooray for being technologically behind!

And finally - How about that Super Bowl, you guys?! GO PACKERZ!!! Actually, I don't watch football, but I do watch Puppies.

Ladies and Gentleman, for the seventh year in a row, Animal Planet had a Puppy Bowl. Now, I remember tuning in around Year 3 and being like, "What the hell is this? It's cute but the ... most boring thing I've ever seen in my life. And I watch Full House!"

This year, I decided to pay full attention. I also paid partial attention to the real game during the Puppy Bowl commercials (er - at least enough to see Fergie air-hump Slash at the halftime show) I also ate a lot of chips. Since this is one Sunday where the world wants you to eat a lot of chips. Even if you decided to watch Schindler's List on Superbowl Sunday, you best be eating chips.

Now, I have to admit, part of me felt ripped off. Sources say the Puppy Bowl and Kitten Halftime show are filmed around October, which makes sense. Since nobody wants to watch footage of a puppy take a dump on a fake field, or any kind of (legal) dogfighting. Also, the cheesy music and lighting is sure to send one of the dogs into an epileptic seizure, so I'm sure glad that stuff is, for the most part, edited in later.

But they decided to have a vote online for the MVP. Most. Valuable. Puppy. And I voted for Duncan, who did something impressive, but right now I don't remember it. I would have also voted for "Two Face", who was adorable, but was reported by my friend Jenn (who I was Puppy Bowl Live Chatting with) as being missing from the page.

However, the "winner" - who was a dog who sucked, and just succeeded in running around like an a-hole (CB, I think his name was) - was announced by the announcer, under edited footage.

So wait. Did my vote mean anything? Was CB pre-selected? Surely they couldn't film winners footage for every dog, right? There were like, 20+ of them! And this is Animal Planet, not HBO! I want answers!

Despite that shock (which I admit is completely real, and still hit a nerve when recollection the terrible memory), I have to give the Puppy Bowl an A+!!! Puppies. Kitten Halftime Show. No Fergie. Chicken Cheerleaders. Hamsters piloting a blimp for some reason. No Black Eyed Peas in general. Edited-out dog mess. And a referee, who won my heart with lines like, "Puppy Penalty! For Being Just Too Cute!" Watch it next year, you guys. I admit, I usually like the Super Bowl for commercials, but after seeing the Doritos one with the guy licking the other guy's cheesy fingers, I may be put off of Cool Ranch for months.

I'll end with one final, unfunny Ashlee retort. Ahem.

"Ashlee Simpson Divorces Pete Wentz: Blames it on band."

Straight Up, Wait Up, Hold Up

2011-01-18T13:56:00.007-05:00

It's 2011! And I'm writing here! I hope everyone had a nice New Years. I hung out at D's with a few good friends. She promised us fireworks outside, but when we went outside, it was just the noise of creepy people being loud. Eh, good enough.

I've only decided on one resolution so far, and that's to successfully learn all of the lyrics to "Shoop" by Salt 'N Pepa. Once again I must praise the radio gods over at 106.7 for reminding me that it's a song (the prude in me doesn't think it's necessarily radio friendly, however! -) that I know the majority of the lyrics to. But not all. Goals are great, you guys. (And on a sidenote, I must praise them for playing The Macarena twice, in the span of a weekend. Stations just don't do that enough.)

I guess another Resolution that won't take less than 4 hours is to sit down and actually learn and appreciate all of the music that came out in 2010 that I know I'll like. New-ish Spoon, Matt Pond PA, New Pornographers... stuff that I haven't had to time to actually focus on, besides throwing one or two songs on a mix for a car ride. Like I said, it's been a lot harder to truly listen, post-record-store.

I will say, the songs that have been leaked from the soon-to-be-released new REM have been fantastic.

I managed to watch the Golden Globes the other night (bolded, since I think I'm going to talk about it a lot), since I think Ricky Gervais is delightful. And, yikes. I can't believe the amount of backlash he's getting. Make one joke about Sandra Bullock, and people lose their minds. Plus, it wasn't like he brought out a powerpoint or something to show how Scientologists are bonkers - his joke was the equivalent of a weird, brief comment your Aunt says, where you focus too much on figuring out if it was a compliment or an insult when all in all, it was just words.

If people truly wanted to feel pissed off at comments made towards Scientologists, I'm sure there are about 900 dorks with a webcam who have made lengthy videos. YouTube it!

And since I mentioned Sandra Bullock - didn't she seem pissed at the world? Maybe it was the bangs. I've tried bangs like that before, and they're great, if you don't want to see things well. (I'd mention Angelina also looking pissed at the world, but Angelina looks that way all the time.)

Seriously, you guys. Am I the only person who doesn't watch Glee? Did I take that poll here before? I feel like I did, but I can't believe the show has been so popular between all of my lack of posts. If I didn't say it before, I sure have thought it a lot. And felt silently angry about it.

Okay, okay, I get why people like it. But winner for the Best Comedy category? Are you 4 realz? I know it's technically Comedy/Musical, but come on, awards show! Separate them, or something! As someone who at one time wanted to be a comedy writer, I know there's a fine art to comedy. It's why they have auditions for SNL, and still end up failing most of the time.

Ahem. Anyway.

It's always nice to see Katey Sagal, even though I've never watched Sons of Anarchy. It was equally fun pretending that Leela was winning the award, by closing my eyes during her speech (perhaps that's why Sandra had those bangs.)

I have about half a sentence to say about the rest of the show, so here are some fragments.

Awesome to see win: Trent Reznor
I knew he was cute when I saw The Social Network: Andrew Garfield
But also, he has an accent, and stumbles over words like WE do!: Andrew Garfield
Andrew Garfield's co-star who scares me with his hair and face: Jesse Eisenberg
Interesting Dress: Natalie Portman
Interesting Speech Topic: Natalie Portman
Interesting Laugh that simultaneously gave me night terrors: Natalie Portman
Dress That Looked Like My 8th Grade Dance Dress: Michelle Williams
Best In Show, Audience Participation/Presentation-Wise: Emma Stone

And in final Golden Globes news, it was cool seeing Christian Bale steal Conor's most recent hairstyle, and Conor steal Christian Bale's award-face.

Anyway. Know what's scary? I'm turning 27 on Saturday. That means I'm going to spend this week lamenting over the things I didn't get to do when I was 26 - namely, "hug a koala". It was my one goal that I figured 26 was the year for, but sadly, the koala population in Lancaster, PA is at an all time low.

This Friday I will hopefully gather with friends, and NBC has been nice enough to schedule the season premiere of Parks & Recreation the Thursday before. Remember when I was lamenting about it not being on till next January? Scroll down, it was probably like, 3 entries ago.

My sister actually already thought I was 27, so this isn't big news for her. She mentioned this to me back in mid-December, during our Belz pre-Christmas Christmas celebration, so hopefully she was just rounding up, and not under false pretenses for the majority of 2010.

If anyone who reads this is over 27, please let me know what I should expect in my 27th year of living. I can offer information for the years of 25 and 26, but in summary, it'd sound a lot like "Bummer, man. 21 through 24 were the glory days." Hopefully I'll fall into a cake, like Dawson Leery did.*

Thus, as a conclusion to my most-likely last entry of my 26th year, I'm going to share with you one of the few things that has made this year more charming. Here's an animated gif of Jason Sudeikis dancing. What Up With That.

You're welcome.

* (See? I told you I'd mention it again. And since YouTube pulled the clip, and since I don't want to spend more than 3 hours googling "Dawson Leery Falls Into a Birthday Cake" - which sadly this blog is already on the first page for... maybe you can borrow a friend's DVD set to see what I'm talking about.) (Oh, your friend totally owns the Season 2 DVD of Dawson's Creek. Trust me.)

Fuel and Fury

2010-11-10T08:57:00.011-05:00

It's November 10th already? Seriously? I swear, it's still August. (What a great way to cover up the fact that I haven't posted since August!)

Really. The reason I haven't posted for awhile is since I had a pledge with Camp Lohan. I would resume posting once she was safely out of rehab for the 9th time, as a sign of support. Yes. That's totally what happened. Go Team Lohan! Another excuse is, I've been using my totally great writing prowess to piece together something in screenplay form.

Moving forward!

I'm not sure if any of you have "food stages", but it's something I unknowingly cycle through. For awhile, it was cereal - I could eat it any time. I was well versed on not just cereal mascots, but cereal varieties as well. Special K put out a new flavor? Boom. I'm there. Even if it looked absolutely disgusting.

My own laziness to buy soymilk post-NJ move really killed the whole thing. That and, while my Dad took pride in cleaning my caked-on cereal dishes after the fact (it was one of his favorite things to do, ever!) leaving similar gross bowls in the sink on the way to work was a surefire way to piss off my Danny Tanner-esque roommate at the time. I was only living by myself for about 1.5 months when I was canned from my job, and everyone knows that post work depression + cereal + cereal bowls = bugs, so I decided to steer clear.

Well friends, I've been eating cottage cheese for breakfast for maybe the past 6 months. (No, I'm not an old lady! Get off my lawn!) It went from the tubs, with fruit added in, to the individual packets you can buy at Giant with the fruit mash in a different "compartment" for a dollar. My reasoning was, "cottage cheese is good for you, right?" After all, in NJ diners, the "health" dinner consists of a barrel of cottage cheese presented in a lettuce leaf, with random canned-quality food surrounding it. (No, I never actually ordered it, but I decided to disgust myself with the idea of actually ordering that monstrosity at a diner no less. )

Throughout the day, I usually eat mixed nuts brought from home, carrots with ranch dressing, and an apple. Dinner changes up, but it's usually one of 4 things.

The other day, Greg was trying to make the best hard boiled eggs. This conversation took place.

Me: Don't you just boil water in a pot for awhile and put the eggs in and let them sit there for ten minutes?
Greg: No.

I looked it up, and "the best hard boiled eggs" include vinegar and boiling in cold water first. Color me shocked! No wonder my hard boiled eggs always sucked. I was doing it wrong!

However, the article started with a sentence similar to the following: "I really like hardboiled eggs. I used to eat them every day, until the doctor told me that eating the same thing daily wasn't healthy."

For some reason, this egg article hit me in the heart. That or, I was having a heart attack based on the cottage cheese levels in my blood. I realized that, hey - not only are my food stages not normal, but they're also really, really boring.

So, today is the day of change. For breakfast, I made a Lender's bagel with egg whites and tomato. For lunch, the leftover chili I brought seriously barely fits in my lunch box or work fridge. Let's see how that works out. I give this whole project about a week. Although I like food, and sometimes wish I could do part-time culinary school to just learn basics a bit better (ie: eggs), I'm simply a creature of habit. Ranch dressing dip, to me, is as big of an afternoon wakeup as the gallon of coffee I drink in the morning.

Speaking of food stages, remember when I was obsessed with Kool Aid? Oh yes. I might bring that back into the daily rotation. Here's a conversation I'm having

jenn:

today might be the day i make a pitcher of sharkleberry

Sent at 9:25 AM on Wednesday

me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DOOO IIITT

jenn: i'm wondering if like

i can make it without any sugar, and then just put packets of splenda in as i drink a glass?

me: That might work.

It may not mix as well

jenn: hmm

idk, i feel like splenda dissolves pretty easily

since that's how i do it with my iced tea and iced coffee and stuff?

Sent at 9:29 AM on Wednesday

me: I know they do Kool Aid in the individual glass

Like, you put the powder in (and it has a little sugar in it) and make it individually

I'm sure you'll be fine.

All Jenn had to do was mention Sharkleberry, and my longing grew. I still have about 90 packets left due to generous friends, who helped support my sugary addiction. See, the problem I had with Kool Aid overall is the amount of Splenda used in it (lots) v. the amount of time it took me to drink a pitcher (no time). So if Splenda = $$, then $$ - T = :( What a sad formula.

I'm thinking of starting a one-woman twitter campaign to bring it back. I'd say a facebook group, but psh. I don't want to be spammed with weird sex chain letter posts, which happens to all mega-popular, relevant groups. Hashtag #SharkleberryFin you guys. Or if that's too much work, #Sharkleberry. Or maybe just #Sharkle. I know twitter is limiting, after all.

It was thanks to twitter that I learned from Peter that Safe-T-Rider was on the news recently. "On Scene", for the record. Now, who is Safe-T-Rider, you may ask? .... We're friends, right? But being that my sister had no clue, maybe I shared my love of this cat only to a select group.

My friend Catherine (who I unfortunately haven't talked to for decades) used to locate just the weirdest, best sites on the internet. It was thanks to her that I learned about that guy who dressed up like Peter Pan, and the legendary Yo!Bots (whose site is oddly still up, even though I think the band broke up.) And of course, she found Safe-T-Rider.

Safe-T is a lanky, rapping cat that sings a song that's seriously like, a half hour long, about the safety of elevators, escalators, and moving walkways. Included in the rap are some kick-ass dance moves utilizing the arms, legs, and eye-rolls. I think that in my lifetime, I may have spent a solid 2 weeks laughing over the video. But, the good, educational kinds of laughter. I was laughing WITH Safe-T.

That was about a decade ago. In college, I used to make sure my friends passed the Safe-T test (an alarming amount didn't.) Did I write about this whole thing before?* Oh well. I'll post 90 entries about Safe-T-Rider since I love him.

Only due to Peter's mention did I suddenly feel compelled to YouTube this guy. I knew the Safe-T costume was available back then, but since I didn't think the hundreds of dollars for rental would equal the hilarity and perhaps nightmare-inducing reaction that I hoped to gain, it's better that he's been used in schools to actually try and teach kids that goofing off on an escalator was no bueno.

I'm not going to embed videos, since:
A) It'll screw up my blog layout, and
B) I know nobody truly cares about seeing an uncomfortably chesty Safe-T-Rider but me. (Safe-T is a male cat, you guys. It's obvious. And I know I screwed up the gender of my cat for a little bit, but I'm 100% positive on this call!)

... but if you want to check them out, I'm not stopping you. At least check out the Safe-T Rap. (If not, I can't really pity you if you get stuck between floors of an elevator and start to panic.)

I guess i'll wrap up by talking about something cool you might be interested in. I was lucky enough to attend the Stewart/Colbert Rally to Restore Sanity a couple weekends ago, and man. Was that insane.

I cheated, and caught a glimpse of the show synopsis beforehand - so Jeff Tweedy (swoon) with Mavis Staples (Beacon?) wasn't a surprise, nor was Sheryl Crow. But know who was? Cat Mother-effing - Stevens!

My Dad: Who was the best performance?
Me: Cat Stevens!
My Dad: Really?
Me: YES.

Here's the thing about Cat (Yusuf). He's still got it. Even though his version of Crazy Train was sadly/hilariously interrupted by Ozzy Osbourne, I truly felt moved when he sang it. After all, he pretty much represented a chunk of my musical childhood. Sidenote: Very glad Sharon, Lois, and Bram weren't there, since I might have had a panic attack.

The signs were hilarious, yet a bit of a nuisance when an estimated 260k attendance were all seeking an exit at once. Below are pictures of my favorite sign, me enjoying a field in gigantic sunglasses, and a random swingdance party post-rally. (Again, it was awesome, but every distraction and side-event meant that I was stuck between a guy in a clown costume and a person dressed as a teabag, in back of a dude with crutches. Leaving the field took about 30-45 minutes, with a good amount of hustle.)

I think I liked this one solely since it was the first of the hilarious signs that I saw. I was without a sign (besides the free sign given to me to rally against FOX) and had some good ideas, but being that I could barely fit on the Metro as is, a sign would have been an inconvenience.
Another good yet inconvenient idea: A blanket. Yet truth be told, I didn't really care if my jeans had mud stains on them. I'm sure I'd fit right in. (Also, the people who brought blankets that took up a lot of room weren't my favorite people.)
I wish this didn't compress, since that girl in the back with the sign (which said something like, "I didn't bring a gun this year and I probably won't next year") seemed so happy to be there.

* Being that "Elevator Safety Figures" is a saved label on this blog, yes. Yes I have.

Hipstaphobic

2010-08-31T09:43:00.006-04:00

Ladies and gentleman, I have a new theory that I'd like to bring to the table. But let me pad this down by providing an introductory paragraph that makes me sound as if I really did a ton of research on the topic.

Photographs. We all have them. In fact, there's nothing I like more than paging through old pictures and showing people what a cute baby I was. See?

Aww. I think I've shown this picture before. Anyway. Pictures helped me relive the Disney trip our family took when I was in 1st grade, and had a brain that couldn't hold many memories at the time. They helped me remember what I wore on the first day of school, every year, back in elementary. They reminded me what my Dad looked like with a mustache of a different color. And to this day, even though most of my "memories" involve the same poses with the same friends in the same location, I still love the idea of tangible photos. Since one day, the internet is going to explode, and digital shots alone are going to enter a black hole. Yes, this is totally scientific.

That being said. What the hell is up with hipster pictures these days?

Let me explain. I feel like the hipster of 2010 refuses to be photographed in any situation that doesn't involve at least two of the following:
1. Outdoors (ie: Them standing in front of a big tree, or better - big trees)
2. In awkward situations (ie: Look, ten of us are on a small couch, and none of the dudes have shirts on!)
3. With a knitted item made especially for them by a friend.
4. Not looking directly in the camera, but aiming the camera in a way that accurately portrays their killer behind-the-ear tattoo and/or chopped off hair.
5. With improper colors. (BIG indicator.) Photos that look faded and dated, to make it look like a photo taken on an actual Polaroid, and not an iPhone with an "app for that." Yes, Hipstamatic. You stopped being cool the second people realized that the photographer used no effort in distorting their final product.
6. PBR all over the place.
7. Just feet. Specifically in a field.

According to my pictures displayed on the almighty facebook, yes. I don't lead a very interesting life. I hang out with maybe the same 4 people, and none of them have yet to reach celebrity status. I went to Maryland this weekend for a housewarming party, and people got pissed at my camera, since to them, why document this particular event? My thoughts: I'm in another STATE, you guys! We're all still here, but not in PA this time! Hell, not in NJ either! So even though my Maryland pictures will never see the light of day (besides one or two, maybe) at least I know they're shot in natural light. And someday, when I'm older, I can tell my kids "I went to Maryland to celebrate the moving in of my friend Molyneaux" as opposed to "Here is me standing in a creek that looks purple and pink. No, this was shot in 2010. I swear. Yes. It's on computer paper since I didn't think to actually order an album. Shut up! Your FACE is pixeled!"

I feel like I also need to partially stand up for hipsters. A good amount of my friends are hipsters. I might have fallen into the hipster lifestyle if only I stopped listening to Wilco in favor of that band from Philadelphia that played in your friend's basement, and fixed my bike from that recall back in 1998. I became more mainstream in my tastes, as many of us do, and liked music that happened to also be on a record label. And trust me, I'm not saying that unsigned bands aren't great - that's not what I mean at all, as a fan of music - I'm just saying that I lost some of the musical willpower I had to keep on track with them. That or, when I heard a song or two, I didn't fall in love with it.

Back in the day, I viewed "hipster" as the kid who was just quietly awesome. But growing up, I realized that there was definitely a cool-factor, whether real or not, that I didn't feel comfortable with solely since I knew I couldn't pass it. It didn't bum me out. I knew who I was, individually, and had a bunch of friends who grew in a similar yet unique way. These pictures are pretty much explaining that feeling - the "I can't be bothered being photographed anywhere that doesn't constitute as art" mentality. And I guess that's what bums me out. To keep setting a default image of you being anything other than... just you? Heck lady, I don't even know what color eyes you have.

I'm not sure which is worse - the Hipstamatic prints of today, or the MySpace prints of yesteryear. Or the MySpace prints of today, where girls puck up their lips and look like complete idiots. All I'm saying is that with that old phenomenon and this fairly new one, I kind of think more people should just chill out, and take photos like Lindsay Lohan. In mugshot form.

**One might say that baby photo fits in with at least points 1, 4, and 5. I won't deny that this picture of me from 1989 was first taken with the Hipstamatic App on iPhone.

Slide Into Hell.

2010-08-11T12:33:00.009-04:00

So, last night I found myself watching a lot of TV. Probably because I needed an excuse to not go to the gym. But I digress (and by the way, I hate the word "digress" So now you know how much I'm digressing, in order to use the word digress so freely on my own blog.)

I'm not going to hide the fact that I was really amped for the season finale of Hell's Kitchen. I'm not going to tell you that I didn't order chinese food in celebration. So - spoiler alert if you haven't seen it on your TiVo yet or if your housemate deleted it after thinking it was an accidental tape, since nobody really watches that crap, right? - Holli wins.

A brief rundown of the last two contestants. Holli is a 24 year old single mom (and I only remember her age offhand since I could not believe I was 2 years older than her, and have been on ZERO cooking shows) and Jay is a 32 year old guy with blue hair, who very much resembles a morning show radio DJ. Holli and Jay have been flirty all season, and while Jay has made many references to how he wants to nail Holli, last night took the cake.

So, Chef Ramsay has them both by their doors, and the "door that opens" "wins some stupid gig at the Savoy in London". I have to mention, I really think that the Hell's Kitchen prize is probably something totally worthless, as I've never heard about any of the winners after their show aired. In fact, me remembering these contestants right now is unheard of in the Hell's Kitchen world. I've seen a few seasons of this show, and can only remember one contestant overall. One! And that was because I totally thought her and Ramsay were having an affair, so intrigue grew.

Holli's door opens, everyone is excited, her little boy - while cute - "can't believe it! Mom, you won!" And then everyone gets drenched in champagne, and her son probably gained a secondhand-drunk. The other loser chefs congratulate her. And then it cuts to Jay.

Jay says, talking-head style, "I hope I can take her pants off tonight."

And that's it. Credits roll. That is the summary of all the man-hours I've put in to force myself to watch this show. Really? Pants?

So after that happened, I compulsively ate all of my chinese food out of anger, and probably gained 3 pounds. Next was MasterChef.

Now, I thought the US version of this show was premiering after Hell's Kitchen, but it may have been on for a few episodes. I base that on the fact that the Television Without Pity forum was already on page 16 or so, and only 1 or 2 of those pages regarded yesterday's episode. Also, many angry posters claimed "I'm so done with this show!" - a statement usually saved only for the tragically weakened shows, like The Office and How I Met Your Mother.

Seriously - I love Gordon Ramsay, but enough already, people! How many shows can this dude have? We get it. He's serious, and likes to yell and smash down food. He wants people to improve and learn, and he wants everyone to know about how he loves his family and didn't have an affair with that chick from Hell's Kitchen.

This show is all about elimination. Gordon announces that most of them would be eliminated before the day is done. The first "test" involved slicing and dicing an onion, and about 5 people cut their hands open due to lack of skills/pressure/distracting onion smells.

The second test involves an egg. Just one egg. However, even though just one egg is used, Ramsay displays a palate of about 900 eggs for show, thus spitting in the face of all the children in our nation that don't have eggs. (Seriously. When I'm forced to bust my ass and extend my vocabulary to give free rice pellets to kids, I don't appreciate looking at a billion display eggs that nobody had to work for.)

Ramsay really used his power of elimination on this one. Everyone's dish was simple and boring, but he got nitpicky. "Everything on this plate is great, but you oversalted the broccoli. TAKE OFF YOUR APRON. GOODBYE!" There were also about 90 "fake eliminations", which is proof in itself that this show is boring.

"Take off your apron. (pause for 5 seconds) Because you.. .. (commercial break) (show is back on, and recaps the last 2 minutes) "Take off your apron.. (pause for 5 seconds) Because you.. .. (pans to nervous contestants) (Quick edits) "Should tie it tighter! You're in!"

Something about Ramsay shows and quick edits, man. They always leave decisions up in the air, and end the segment with a camera showing 7 different contestants up close, further illustrated by canned "panic music". Again, I reiterate that I've seen all of Hell's Kitchen this season, but I'm never holding my breath to find out what happens next. OR AM I! (panic music)

This show was chased by an episode of Teen Mom, which is yet another show I force myself to watch. In this episode, Amber and Gary go on a crazy vacation with Amber's Dad, who we learned in the last reunion is slowly dying of cirrhosis. The only cure for cirrhosis is partying with your daughter and her on-again off-again fiance, who you once verbally threatened on camera.

Gary and Amber obviously don't think that their 1 year old daughter, Leah, deserves any kind of distraction during a 16 hour car ride, except maybe the entertainment of hearing them scream at her to shut up. Then Gary and Amber arrive to wherever they're going, and poorly dance the night away, and Gary tries to propose to Amber for the third time. She gets mad at him, since he's "doing it wrong."

Meanwhile, Maci leaves her son Bentley with her ex fiance/babydad Ryan, and Bentley manages to hit his face on something. To cure him, Ryan gives him a "paci", which is the EXACT THING MACI TOLD HIM NOT TO DO! In fact, that was Maci's whole storyline this week!

Then the other people on the show merely existed. I think Farrah cried about her baby's father being killed in a car accident, despite her saying once (when he was alive) that she wanted him to have no part of her life anymore. And the fact that she denied to tell him she was pregnant with his spawn. Catelynn and Tyler, who were once a cute couple, now just waste space on the TV, since Tyler has been pissed at something Catelynn did three years ago, for three entire episodes now. Get over it, dude!

Oh, and the reason as to why their relationship is difficult at the ripe old age of 17 is because they're also step siblings. So they can break up, but they'll always be around each other anyway. Note my use of italics.

In real news, how about that guy who quit his job and then slid off the plane with beers? Steven Slater, you are my hero. If you have to go to jail for causing a scene that could have killed - but didn't kill - someone, then they may as well arrest me for driving a car that could have killed - but never killed - anyone. Gina and I were trying to think of what his actual reason for arrest was, and we came up with "Sliding While Angry" and "Sliding While Quitting".

The reason this dude rocks is because he did something that every person, at one time, has wanted to do. I envy him more, since the sole act of sliding down a plane is something I always wanted to do, and not only did he do it, but he did it awesomely.

This guy must not fade away. He needs a holiday. Specifically a paid holiday. Must better than that wipe-off board "Jenny" who "e-mailed her whole office pictures of her quitting" and "turned out to be a giant hoax that wasn't funny, really." I.. guess it launched her ... acting ... ... career?

(Kind of like how this blog... will.. launch my.. writing... career?)

.....

Eye Carumba.

2010-08-02T12:18:00.004-04:00

So much has happened since my last entry in June. First off, Lindsay Lohan is totally in jail. (Wait - let me see if she got out yet.) (She did!) Okay.

Lindsay Lohan is totally out of jail, after fourteen days. Kudos, since that was pretty much 1400% more time than Paris Hilton. Way to take one for the team, Lindsay. Have fun in rehab. I hope you send me a postcard, since I only get bills in the mail and odd membership information for AARP, so that'd be awesome.

Second off, I went to the eye doctor, and supposedly my eye blood vessels are squiggly. Let me tell you, there's nothing worse in the world than staring at digital images of your own eye from the inside. But I had to, since if I want to wear contacts and not be called "four eyes" or "Glasses McGee" by my peers, I have to go every effing year.

I must note, it's unnerving to me that I forgot what I wore yesterday, but have, indeed, memorized the eye chart at Lenscrafters. When they gave me that mini tablet with images to check depth, this conversation happened.

Me: Uh. I see the left side[of the box of circles] in 3D for image one, and the right side for image 2, but then I can't see anything else pop up. But I do see a bunch of foxes and dogs come at me from the animal section that you didn't tell me to look at, and I see the 3D fly on the other page, so that makes me worry far, far less.

Girl: Uh. Yeah, we don't do those tests.

I know that technically, by reciting my memorized charts, I'm only hurting myself. "Screw you, contacts! I WANT to see blurry!" But you think they'd mix it up a bit. You know. Just for fun. What's the point of figuring out letters anyway? Besides something awesome, like the first 20 seconds of this trailer for 2001's America's Sweethearts.

(Three cheers for that formatting oddly on Firefox! Hip Hip Hoo-- nevermind.)

Anyway. I'm pretty much the eye doctor's worst patient ever.

Nurse Version of Eye Doctor Places Who Does The Weird Beginners Tests: So, you said that sometimes your left eye turns red.
Me: Right.
Nurse VoEDPWDTWBT: Any reason as to what may cause this?
Me: Well, I have allergies sometimes, as well as insane stress, and also I'm a smoker, and notice that often times, the smoke goes directly into my left eye. Also, I wear a ton of eye makeup, and not well, so sometimes it goes in my eye. And I probably wear my contacts way more than I should.
Nurse: Oh.

Another fun thing about Lenscrafters is, when they go through your patient information, they ask about your hobbies. Like I don't feel bad enough for not having hobbies. While I always say "Writing", I always promise myself that by next year, I'll have far more interesting things to contribute. And since "Writing" is my sole hobby, the Nurse VoEDPWDTWBT always writes it really big, to fill space.

Since my roller derby career didn't pan out after falling and injuring my knee during key self-practice time (ie: learning how to rollerskate), I think that by next year, my hobbies will include dragon slaying, extreme hula hoop, and parkour. Also, simultaneous car tossing and fire eating. When they ask me if these awesome hobbies in any way affect my eyes, my answer will simply be, "you tell me."

Back to the eye squiggles. So, after I learned that my contacts are terrible, I see these squiggly line pictures. Obviously, having the education solely of someone who goes to the eye doctor every year, I thought nothing of it. Until!

Doctor: See these lines?
Me (without contacts in): .. Yes.
Doctor: Those should be straight. Now, there are a million reasons why they aren't. It could be hereditary, or it could be something else. So, next time you go to a doctor, mention it to them and see if you can get bloodwork done. Just in case.
Me: Now, doctor. These squiggles. What can they be?
Doctor: Anything.
Me: Huh. Anything, you say.
Doctor: It could be a prescription you take, or it could be a small sign of ... anything else, really.
(Karen silently curses her multivitamins)

Then she told me that I would need to get my pupils dilated. Since this is a big fear of mine, I made an excuse as to why I should wait it out till my next visit (in approximately 1 week, just to tell them that my contacts are now a-ok!) She told me that'd be okay. It was only later did I realize that I had scheduled it at a time where nobody will be capable of giving me a ride home, but oh well. I'll figure out what to do with that information on the 10th.

What's the deal with dilation anyway? I've gotten them dilated before, but from what I remember, I just felt hazy and looked like an anime character. Thus, to my knowledge, dilation is solely for the amusement of the eye care staff. And I don't blame them. That field needs more entertainment, especially after being forced to look at aforementioned creepy digital eye pictures all day.

Now, I forgot if I mentioned this, and I'm too lazy to scroll up and see, but I go to the Lenscrafters in the town where I lived 2 years ago. Remember that place*? Yeah, I lived there once! But now I don't. Yes, Lancaster has a Lenscrafters, but no, I will never go back to them. There was a brief incident in college where I may or may not have cursed out the eye doctor based on multiple visits to solve a problem that I fixed myself with some ClearEyes. When someone impeaches that dude, I'll reconsider. But since impeaching an eye doctor is impossible, I have to wait until someone completely renovates that entire system. That could take months!

I blabbed a bit to my eye doctor about how the distance, plus me working again, made appointments somewhat of a challenge. Since the Belz Family CrabFest '10 is this weekend, my "a-ok contacts!" appointment would have to be pushed down. I mentioned how this Lenscrafters was far superior to Lancaster, and I knew that these traveling problems were all self inflicted.

Eye Doctor: Okay. Well, the 10th is open, but I won't be there, since they brought me in from another location to cover.
(I thought my female doctor didn't look like an Eric. Issue confirmed!)
Me: Please tell me you don't work for Lancaster.
Eye Doctor: I do not.

Phew. That would have been awkward. If I've learned anything, it's not to insult anyone who messes with your eyes (except Dr. Jerk in Lancaster. He had it coming.) Just imagine how many more eye squiggles I may have received after unknowingly insulting her work place.

In other personal health news, I think I broke my back in about 900 places. And these 900 places are all located near the bottom. By the "Core". I noticed issues on Friday, but chalked them up to the movie theater seats after seeing Inception on Thursday. (Sidenote: I enjoyed the movie.) Then on Saturday and Sunday, it got worse. Today, it still hurts like knives, but at least I'm being mobile. It forced me to miss the gym 4 days in a row (well, the back plus Inception) so tonight is my gym homecoming. If you don't hear from me in a significant amount of time after this entry takes place, I've died a messy, back death. Pamphlets to avoid such an issue yourself will be at the viewing.

In my medical opinion, I think all of the horrible things that WebMD told me I have are accurate. People have told me that even "herniated disc", which seems self-healing, is probably more extreme than what really happened, but my answer to that is, "I'm dying. Screw you."

The worst part about discomfort at work is that if you want to try any kind of stretches, you need to make sure that absolutely nobody sees you. Even the bathroom isn't really a safe ground. In fact, if I walked in on some random girl trying to poorly do yoga poses in the bathroom, I think I'd probably call the police. No wait, scratch that. I'd definitely call the police.

Unfortunately, I'm still too young to accept the fact that sometimes helpful solutions have to power over being socially awkward. Heating pads are totally okay at home, but plugging that thing in here would just raise questions. And probably trip people. When the world stops for a second when my curly hair is straightened for a day, or my straight hair goes back to curly, any kind of device that I bring in that's not normally on my persons is usually going to set people off. I don't want to bring attention to my medical cause. Especially since I know this will happen:

"YOUR BACK HURTS?? WHAT ARE YOU, 90??"

"I'm sure it's nothing. But, my uncle died of back cancer, and that was his first symptom. But, yeah, I'm sure it's nothing."

"Can you lift this giant box? Why not?... Well, I need you to anyway."

I don't even know who I'd see about the issue, as I was brought up to believe that all chiropractors are jokes. Yet, my Dad only recently learned the true difference between jelly, jam, and preserves (which I only learned in college), so while I trust their judgment completely, there could be more to it than that. Like, maybe my Dad got hit by a car driven by a chiropractor back in the day, and all prejudice towards that professions are completely bias and personal. Maybe.

In The Next Entry: Hear about how my eye squiggles bond with my back to further destroy me. Also, hear about how I also need to go see a dentist in the near future.

* I'm trying to avoid mentioning every town name, as a google search for all may make the entire eye doctor community of Central PA lobby against me. I should see a doctor about my immense paranoia.

E.T. Phone Holmes

2010-06-17T09:29:00.006-04:00

One vice I've been a bit better on taming has been my addiction to stupid celebrity news. When I say "better on taming", I mean that I very, very rarely buy tabloids anymore. (most likely since I don't care about the Kardashians at all. Who are they? Wait, I don't care.) The intrigue was that seeing celebrities crash and burn helped me feel better about never having money. Since, as I've learned in Hollywood, money and fame equal head shaving and paparazzi-bruising shortly after. And not-so-flattering photos of our once-beloved "heroes".

I remember the day that Britney Spears posed on Rolling Stone "provocatively", and it was a huge deal. (Wait, was she only like, 16 at the time? Was she ever 16? Since then that is kind of gross. How old am I?) I remember watching the video and thinking, "she may be the prettiest girl in the world." So when you're an impressionable freshman in high school, you naturally wanted to know what she was up to, and what glamorous things she was doing. Even if you didn't really listen to her music that much besides on the radio in the car, and were wearing a Ben Folds Five ringer tee while singing along.

And then the decline. All of a sudden Britney was featured in "Who Wore It Better?" and lost by a considerable amount. The normie in you thinks, "she has a professional stylist, but still looks like garbage! I look like garbage every day! She's a Celebrity but she's Just Like Us!" And so on, and so forth, and abusing a car with an umbrella, and Federline, and so on. And you just want to look at that Rolling Stone cover and tell Britney what her future would be like. And you'd also want to tell her that you'd like it if she never touched the dance music scene, even though she will, and that Aguilera was also in it for the long haul.

But why do I still care? It's not like I was her second cousin or anything.

I guess it's pity. I can sit and complain about a stressful day, but at least nobody is trying to make money off of my misery. And, at least she had talent. Say what you will, but nobody makes it that far in the music world without talent. Except Nickelback.

Anyway!

I've compiled a list of celebrities that I still care about. Whether they were my dumb idols growing up, or whether or not I still think they have talent. It's a short list.

1. Katie Holmes

Oh, Katie Holmes. You had everything I dreamed I could have: Good hair, and Joshua Jackson. Obviously she made it big on Dawson's Creek as the guarded, snarky Joey Potter, who had this thing where she liked Bighead Dawson Leery, and then he liked her, but then she liked Jack, and then he liked Jen, and then I think they both liked other people since I missed a season near the end, and then she ended up with Pacey. I was so into this show for awhile that I actually had an e-mail NEWSLETTER about it. And even worse, I wrote the SATIRE FANFIC for the newsletter. And I also had a wall in my room dedicated to the show, which I ripped down the second Dawson drunkenly fell into his birthday cake*. But I digress!

Here's a girl who was seriously plucked out of high school for a pilot, and was thrown under the spotlight when it was successful. I liked her since she kept certain life details private. People knew, but not enough for her to get exposure on a magazine every week. They didn't know what she did in her free time. And then she dated Chris Klein for like, 90 years, and got engaged, and things were merry until Tom Cruise came along and forced her to stop talking to all of her friends. Then she looked like a clone of Posh Spice, who everyone would have forgotten about if it wasn't for David Beckham and her boob job.

And then Chris Klein had a DUI! Thanks, Katie.

Now, Katie was never an amazing actress, but she portrayed shy and naive quite well. I wanted to be Joey Potter, and have innocent/torrid romances, and climb into boy's windows without anyone caring. And since she was a brunette average chick, I related. Now? Not so much. She scares me now. I feel like if I ever mentioned Dawson's Creek to her, her eyes would turn red, and she'd internally crush my organs with them somehow, like the robot she is.

But with that being said, I still care. Partially since I'm curious to see if she'll morph into her old form again. Also, I don't care much for kids, but Suri is cute. I admit it.

2. Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay's problem is that she seriously can act. Which is awesome for her movies, but questionable in court.

She won me over in Freaky Friday. I was a fan of the original, and was a bit skeptic on seeing the remake, but it was awesome. I know it was made for kids, but I don't care. I liked it, and you can shut up! Anyway, Freaky Friday took place before everyone realized her Mom, Dina, was a Rockette who was a bit fame-hungry, and her Dad, Michael, was a scary creepy future-best-friend to Jon Gosselin. Old videos show Lindsay saying how she'll never do drugs. AND THEN IT STARTED.

First it was a cigarette. Which was a gateway to alcohol. Which was a gateway to pot. Which was a gateway to sniffing glue. Which was a gateway to heroine. Then cocaine. Then pills. That being said, I can only confirm that Lindsay has tried two of these. (Cigarettes and glue, of course.)

You know, if you asked me maybe 2 or 3 years ago, I'd say that you couldn't fault her. It's young Hollywood, it's hard to avoid, and if she was having a lot of personal issues, these releases (although not right) make some sense. But sometime in that period of self destruction, a wake up call has to happen. And of course it never did. But, everyone in the world besides Lindsay knows that Lindsay has to get her act straight.

Why do I still care? I genuinely like the girl. She's in a hole right now that is pretty deep, but I definitely want to see her pull a Drew Barrymore and turn out to be awesome, and not pull a .. dead celebrity incident. I still read Lindsay articles on TMZ and dog-gonnit, I always will!

Also, since Dina Lohan compulsively checks google to see what media form slanders her daughter next.. if you're reading this, hello!

And finally!

3. Nicole Richie

She isn't really a trainwreck celebrity (after that whole "I had photos taken at the beach, and you could practically see through my body" stint a few years ago) but I've always really liked her. And nobody understood why.

Not only is she the daughter of the man that I named my blog after (for now, at least), but she has such a biting sarcasm that, often times, was overshadowed by Paris Hilton being right next to her. I admit, I watched The Simple Life with the two of them, and I felt like Nicole was in on the joke the entire time. She could sum up situations hilariously with one line. And she has giant eyes, which are cool. Also: giant sunglasses. I also have giant sunglasses! Obviously we're like, the same person.

Now she's with babies, and has started up a charity, and doesn't use her twitter in a way that makes me want to punch walls. And that being said, I still care since she seemed to mellow out and move forward. Kudos!

If any of you have a celebrity you still care about despite their crumbling careers, please share. Unless it's Amanda Bynes, since that girl is just grating. Ugh.

*And to continue my banter about Dawson's Creek, here's the birthday cake scene in question. Thankfully, 26-year-old-me can see this episode as a laugh riot, where 16-year-old-me was devastated that this episode was the worst thing ever.

In summary, him and Andie (the blonde) got trashed off of rum and coke, since they fooled the waitress into believing they were 21. Which I can understand, since the actors are like, 40. And the restaurant wasn't Burger King or Taco Bell, where my friends hung out when we were in high school. And I think drunk Dawson sang a song about how his life is so tough, as a spoiled high school student who still has friends despite his bad wardrobe and giant forehead. What kills me is, I know this is not the first time I've talked about this episode. Nor the last.

Gym Halpert*

2010-06-10T14:56:00.008-04:00

It seems like a lot of similar outrage postings and articles came around after my last entry on Sex and the City 2. Know what that means? Everyone in the universe reads my blog! Hooray!! I'm the most famous.

I must say, I'm writing this in pain. I've started getting into the habit of making the gym a thing again, since I'm really in no place right now to wear a bikini. Also, even though some of my jeans are about 8 years old, they don't fit well/at all. Woe.

Now, I'm not saying that it's a habit that has lasted a long time. I only went yesterday, and came out of it shocked that I wasn't going home in a hearse. But with the support of my gym-buddy Greg, and my long distance gym-buddy Gina, I think this could be a thing I do every day. I mean, I had good runs before.

Gina actually recently (as in, about a half hour ago) blogged about her gym experience, which can be found here. I recommend reading it. It's quite spot-on and hilarious. But unless you exit out of my page right... now, you'll be forced to read segments, as I plan on butchering it via cut and paste, and responding/adding to it.

For basis, I now belong to Planet Fitness. Planet Fitness is okay. They're 20 dollars, but the whole place is purple, yellow, and cartoonish, so it's like you're working out inside of an 8 year old's nightmare.The other gyms I've belonged to were the YMCA in Woodbridge(where someone broke into my car), and the Millersville student center gym, where I first learned the fact that I run like a Muppet, thanks to treadmills and mirrors. Gina goes to a similar YMCA I do believe, where they probably have more emphasis on customer satisfaction. (Note to Gina: Don't tuck your purse away under your seat. Even if it's a Sunday, and you're at the gym for twenty minutes... just don't do it.)

THE MORNING V. AFTERNOON DEBATE

Gina Writes:

I guess the mornings' are the most crowded. I go late enough at night (around 8:30 pm) that only less than a small handful of people are there, which means most of the machines are freed up. The problem with working out in the morning is that there's a lot of people who have their machine routines down, and I can feel their judging eyes on me whenever they're waiting for me to finish up. Yes, I can only lift 15 measly lbs above my head, but I still have just as much right to pause between my sets of reps as you do, much more advanced gym-goer!

Working out in the morning sucks. I understand the appeal ("then you can relax after work" "it wakes me up!" "my metabolism is blah de whatever") but it just sucks. There are many things that I can quit, but not being chipper and active in the morning is not one of them. Nor are cigarettes. Someday. Stop pestering me to quit!

Mornings also give you a time schedule. I, personally, like to gym for a solid 45 minutes. But sometimes I get there and I'm just not feeling it. Or sometimes I can get a second wind after the elliptical machine's initial shit-kicking of my frail and anxiety-ridden body, and I stay longer. If you have someplace to be, besides "home at a reasonable hour", there are just a lot of time blocks that can make your workout seem rushed and unfulfilling.

Scenario One: You go to the gym, and there's a major traffic jam on the way back. Like, major. Like, an ambulance collided with a bus and a helicopter at the same time major. You tell work you'll be late, and they fire you! Since you've been late for other reasons all week. Other reasons most likely involving.. the gym.

Scenario Two: Your body isn't fully awake, and on the way to the gym, you crash your car and your car goes up in flames. Even if you're okay, your work clothes aren't.

Scenario Three: You go to the gym 45 minutes before work, and the gym blows up. You never make it to work. Also, you are badly injured.

Oh, also, I can't do morning gym since there's no way my stupid hair would look decent without about 30 minutes of prep work, alongside old TiVoed episodes of Saved By The Bell.
Winner: Afternoon gym.

THE TV V. MAGAZINE DEBATE

Gina writes:

Oh! I forgot to mention the one thing that's totally terrible about the gym: morning television. I discovered I can't read on the elliptical because I bounce too much, and I'm currently too cheap to purchase audiobooks.

Okay, yeah, this could also be lumped in my last debate, but I need at least 3 debates to make this initial idea worth it.

Back when I was unemployed, and all of the arguments in the morning gym debate weren't revelant, I sat through a lot of Regis & Kelly. I don't mind Regis & Kelly, but my gym time always synchronized with the world's stupidest guest. Like, "Hey, welcome to the show, juggling kid with one arm!" "With us today, we have a dog that barks in Latin!"

Every magazine in Planet Fitness looks like Kristen Stewart in every awards speech ever. Seriously. I opened up an issue of People last night, and the middle fell out, onto my stair-steppin' legs. Trying to piece together the pages, I only got to skim my article before my allotted exercise time was complete. So, even if I didn't exercise to the extreme on the elliptical, the magazine is an overall fail.

Scenario One: You're at the gym, and a similar situation happens. The magazine, a little newer, gives you severe papercuts. Your own blood makes you slip on the machine, and then you can no longer exercise. Since you are concussed.

Scenario Two: You're at the gym, and you're reading a magazine. You don't realize it's a few years old. The next day, you're wearing Uggs, or some other fashion mistake, and you lose all of your friends. Your family also disowns you.

Scenario Three: Everyone touches magazines, so when you pick one up, you immediately get cooties. Or something worse that I can't think up yet. Maybe some skin disease. But its life threatening, and makes you fear magazines and all things. So much that you now live in a bubble.

Winner: Afternoon TV.

And finally.

GYM MANIA V. NOT GYM MANIA

This one is pretty much targeted at Gina, but if you don't want to be excluded, just pretend you're Gina.

Gina writes:

As of now, I don't really feel any different. I mean, working out and showering before work gives me a sense of accomplishment (I guess), but I'm not going to get super pumped and motivated until my clothes start feeling looser. Then, I can see myself trying to squeeze in gym time twice a day. (It's happened before.)

Gina. Save yourself. Before it's too late.

Here's the sad truth about the gym. You go to the gym, and you start seeing results. And then you're hooked, and go MORE. I went through a brief stint of this at the Millersville gym, but then gained everything back** (PLUS the freshman 15! PLUS the sophomore 45!) when I quit in favor of eating dinner with my friends. Just think. If I didn't cut the gym bug off, I'd have zero friends right now. Except my 6-pack.

Scenario One: After going to the gym once a day, you decide to go twice. Your heart all of a sudden acts like a disgruntled employee, and is like "What the hell? I'm tired! I was pumping hard just this morning! Fuck you!" And then your heart explodes and you die. In your gym clothes, no less.

Scenario Two: After going to the gym once a day, you decide to go twice. Suddenly, rumor circulates among members that you actually live at the gym. Suddenly, your gym gets all of your bills and correspondences, forgets to give them to you, and then you lose your house and everything you love.

Scenario Three: After going to the gym once a day, you decide to go twice. But the second time you go, the gym blows up. You never make it to work the next morning. Also, you are badly injured. Also, you can't do morning gym anymore, since you have no gym, since you decided to go against my aforementioned advice. Gina, you're THE WORST.

Winner: Not Gym.

Anyway. Now that you know my opinions, you can all enjoy the gym more than before. You're welcome.

I've enjoyed this blog cross-over. It reminds me of when Gina and I installed the "dislike" button on Facebook, and ruined everyone's day. For the.. day we had it. (It wasn't really a very good add-on.)

* I really think I named a past entry this before. But, after searching for a good 5 seconds, realized it was too late in the day for me to think of something more creative. Besides... Gym Halpert 2010.

** Math and logic is slightly incorrect.

Bad Romance.

2010-05-25T15:30:00.005-04:00

I'd like to preface this by saying that I really owe an e-mail to Latoya. She even texted me about it. However, between then and now, I became outraged - so I need to totally jeopardize our strong friendship yet again. I'm sure she'll understand.

Fantasy Conversation
Me: Well Latoya, as you are one of the people who truly values my mad skillz as a writer, I prefer my blog to rant about something dumb, over writing to you about important life events we've both experienced recently.
Latoya: It's okay, friendo. You can do no wrong in my eyes! Also, that check I wrote to you for no reason except for our friendship is on it's way.

And here's why I'm outraged. I just got a work e-mail saying that people in the restaurant/hospitality industry should really prepare for Sex and the City 2. (My words, not theirs) Since it's a good way to cash in on all those disillusioned, slutty teenagers and old women who just want to have a Cosmo with the g-friends, and totally dish while wearing the most adorb stilettos ever! This movie is a way for businesses to totally cash in and profit, despite having no affiliation with the movie!

I know I'm in the minority for being a young female, and just hating this show. Thus hating all of the products that come out of this show. After watching maybe an episode and a half, I just realized... I didn't care. It's similar to why I hate reading recent girl-centric fiction, since it's all about cheating, and friend drama, and shopping. Also known as, the life I merely heard about when I was fifteen or so and wanted to have no part of.

So, am I bitter that they're making a sequel? Of course not. I mean, the first movie was highly profitable, and again - I am in the minority. If people want to see it, people will see it. Plus (thank the lawd) it's not in 3D, so it does have that going for it.

However, this movie looks like a ton of horse shit. "What's a vacation without my favorite females?!?" "I fell off a donkey! How embarrassing!" "What mystery boyfriend of my past is going to totally sweep me off my feet this time??"

Maybe it's all just veiled anger that girl movies usually don't ... satisfy me. Sure, I was a big Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan fan back in the day. I will never not be in the mood to watch Sleepless In Seattle. But today, I feel like movies geared to the romantic in me, or the girl in me, just fall short of ... everything. They're marketed to make a buck and push some lifestyle, and quite often the writing and production of the film is pushed aside.

A lot of movies I like are movies with characters I can somehow relate to, which... probably plays a part in all of this. I very much enjoy Tina Fey's non-SNL characters. Janeane Garofalo in The Truth About Cats and Dogs seemed real to me. Michael Rosenbaum as Adina in Sorority Boys was like me 180%!! But.. the Sex and the City cast? Eh, not so much.

That being said, I realized why The Office worked in season 2 and 3. And why Parks & Rec worked in season 2. All of the romantic parts that make ladies swoon and wish they could make out with Jim Halpert were subtle. Very rarely do they take over the plot, but they still exist. Like, in aforementioned Sleepless In Seattle, which - is probably in the top 5 of romantic comedies of all time on some list somewhere - the characters are developed enough so that you actually have a heart for them. Never in this movie did Tom Hanks say, "Oh shit, son! I was on the radio, and now all these ladiez want me!! LOL. I'm gonna pounce on all dem hoes, and show them how lonely I've been since my wife died!!"

Instead, he told his son that all of these letters were stupid. And only when the son persisted and ran away to meet the woman he knew would be perfect for his Dad did Tom Hanks run out there (for him!) and end up meeting his "soulmate", who was a kind of dowdy, L.L. Bean Meg Ryan. Then the movie ended. Match and game.

Cut back to the non-80s, (aka "present day") when I get an e-mail from people telling me to push this sequel so that a girl can go out, spend a ton of money, and achieve a vapid life like it's characters, in order to make a dime. Honestly, if I'm out at a bar the night that this movie comes out and I see any group of girls sipping on grapefruit flavored drinks while talking about how wild and crazy they are, they will get punched. (Not by me, but by someone. And I will laugh.)

If you think I'm just prejudice due to it being Sex and the City, let's look at Amanda Seyfried. A girl who in 2010 starred in both Dear John and the (upcoming?) Letters to Juliet. Dear John was penned to be the next The Notebook, which I also hated (despite the blindingly attractive Ryan Gosling) solely since they were both written by Nicholas Sparks. Letters to Juliet is supposed to be the must-see movie if I want my heart to explode in a billion pieces, but the plot just sounds like the typical "girl goes on vacation and falls in love unexpectedly!" scenario.

And excuse me. That's been done. I mean, haven't you seen The Lizzie McGuire Movie? Gosh. Thank god she realized she truly loved Gordo in the end.

Uh. I mean.

Anyway.

While I can't truly fault these movies, as I'm basing a lot of my theories on assumption and message boards, now would be the time to remind you that I saw Post Grad in theaters last year - and was really excited about it at first. All that movie announced was that "If you don't get your dream job right away, and maybe have to wait a few years to climb the corporate ladder first, you should just quit and chase some dude who you treated like shit across the country." ~~Rory Gilmore~~ Alexis Bledel was too good and bitchy to work in a luggage shop, and she couldn't even wait a year or so to move forward in a company that fit her major. Fucking lame.

I can't fault Amanda Seyfried for trying to be lumped in with actresses who can lead a "romantic" movie, since as you all know, that role was once in possession of - you got it, Meg Ryan. And eventually, Meg Ryan had to pass the torch down sometime, after that Russell Crowe scandal and all the plastic surgery. But I feel like with Ryan, at least she was somewhat selective of her roles. In You've Got Mail, she played a bookstore owner who was really proud of her tiny shop, and had the smarts to try and stick around as long as she could before Tom Hanks bought her out. Hell, she didn't even realize her crush was Tom Hanks until the very end of the movie. And then Dreams by The Cranberries played. Subtleness, people. Really.

In general (As I, too, realize this is a lengthy and out of control rant) I just can't support a movie that has such wimpy, egotistical female leads. I know a ton of women out there are wimpy and egotistical, and care more about expensive shoes than - say - trying to find a cure for cancer, but I spend a lot of my time trying to avoid them in the real world. I won't spend ten dollars to see one on screen. And I won't spend even more than that to try and emulate one.

Rant over.

Next blog entry: I talk about how Twilight sucks, but how the people who are on "Team Jacob" suck even more. Also- my fave recipes ever! And probably something about cats.

This is Not A Swan Song.

2010-05-19T12:54:00.008-04:00

Okay. So, first thing's first. Parks and Recreation is going to be midseason next year? W.T.World. No, I need to use profanities with this. W.T.Eff.

NBC is bringing in a new show, and they're giving it a shot in the P&R timeslot to start with. Hopefully this show fails (and granted, I haven't done a lot of research on it, but I hate it already and it's the worst show ever!) very much like Sons of Tucson (which I wish I had called "Sons of BooSon" or "Sons of Bo-ring". Where were you then, witty creativity!) which temporarily replaced American Dad. My favorite show on the Sunday night timeslot/my favorite creation of the Seth MacFarlane brand by far.

Speculation 1 is that the push back is due to the fact that Amy Poehler is very pregnant. And, yeah. I can see why that may be an issue. But she's been pregnant for awhile now, and they've covered it up quite well.

This theory doesn't hold up, since rumor has it that three episodes of season 3 have already been shot. Thankfully everyone on the show is an adult, so any kind of aging will be less obvious. (Like in Weeds, where Shane got a new haircut and voice, and grew a foot taller between "days")
(Okay, maybe the two look oddly similar, but you... you just have to watch the show! Someone back me up here!)

Anyway, long story short, "midseason" doesn't hold well for any show. Thus, I very much promote this Michael Schur-approved group and hope you all join. (All.. 2 of you.) And again, if you have the free time and are unfamiliar with the awesomeness that is season 2, go to hulu and check 'er out. Nearly every episode this season has been a total win.

And if Ron Swanson disappears from my life, I'm going to run away! That's a fact. In fact, I've got my hobo spindle already packed in case of an emergency. Don't tempt me, NBC. I'm still bitter with that whole Conan thing you did. You know the one.

(And sidenote: Mark is going to stop being a regular on it, but I'm not too upset. At least, run away with a spindle upset. I'll tell you who is, though. My sister.)

Leigh: oh Mark

I'll miss Mark

Sent at 12:55 PM on Wednesday

me: You will be the only one who will!

Leigh: sad face

Anyway. Now that that's out of the way...

Wait. I have nothing else to talk about. Uh. How to stall. Hm.

Well, I think it's about time for another "answering questions I get all the time" entry!! Since people ask so many questions, so I may just as well address them all.

Karen, do you prefer glue in jar or stick form? - From, Anonymous

Funny you should ask! Stick, of course. Sure, I am only 56% an expert on gluesticks, and only remember to put gluestick caps on 71% of the time, it's way less lumpy than ordinary glue. In fact, I'll go ahead and say that regular glue is just horrible if arts and crafts/mailing stuff is involved. Unless you hate the person you're mailing stuff to.

But may I include rubber cement into the debate. Rubber cement, while not as popular, is the most fulfilling of all adhesives. And oddly enough, I have a weird deja vu feeling that I've discussed this in blog form before.

Karen, what triangle is best? From - A Triangle Expert

Oh, obtuse. No contest. I mean, come on now. Right angles are just way overused. I forgot the name of the other popular triangle, so obviously it sucks. Obtuse is like, the bass player in every band. Something is typically a bit off with them, and usually they have the most distinguished hair, but they still hold major importance.

Plus, the obtuse angle looks like it's giving you a big hug. Awwwwww.

Karen, is it true that the majority of your clothes are either black or grey? Remember when you weren't such a dull shell of a person? From - An Enemy!

Yes. But I painted my nails white last night with these ~~crappy~~ new Sally Hansen pen-like nail polishes Truth be told, it looks like I got really bored with a bottle of White Out. And I can say this honestly, since I've been bored enough with a bottle of White Out before.

But since they're new, if Sally Hansen employees do a google search for reviews and this blog happens comes up, I totally wouldn't mind all of the free products you can send over to help change my mind. Again, these are the Color Quick Fast Dry Nail Color Pen by Sally Hansen. "

I mean, Papa John scares people at their house, and Dominoes has been giving free pizza to past nonbelievers, so this totally isn't a new concept, creators of the Sally Hansen Color Quick Fast Dry Nail Color Pen. Make it happen.

Again, as a young professional, streak white out nails aren't going to make me jump up 5 rungs on the corporate ladder, will it, Sally Hansen. Gosh.

But yeah, anyway. My clothes are boring.

Last question!

Karen, did you know that Aziz Ansari, who you probably mentioned in this blog post as he is in the ensemble cast of Parks and Recreation, is going to be in the new Russell Brand/Forgetting Sarah Marshall spinoff movie that's called Get Him to the Greek? - A Homeless Man, relayed to me by screaming.

No! Cool. I'm debating whether or not I want to see it. As I am a big FSM fan, partially since I'm a big JS fan. Not as much an RB fan, but I do like him a lot as AS. He is really LOL in that. I can really only handle so much JH, so expanding his role from FSM to something more VIP is MEH for me. AA's involvement may make up for that. (Anyone who feels like decoding wins a hug!

Aaaand, this entry came full circle. Sha-pow!

Love, Stickers, Music, Baby.

2010-05-06T08:49:00.003-04:00

Happy day-after Cinco de Mayo, everyone! I know the post-Cinco de Mayo celebrations are going to be quite heavy tonight. And the reason I'm guessing this, is because surprisingly I didn't see a lot of heavily drunken citizens stumbling around last night, like on St. Patrick's Day. (Man, was that a spectacle!) I'd like to say that holidays in which people think they have a right to get plastered have become less of an issue in my growing age, but... St. Patrick's Day. Man, was that a spectacle!

I went out last night for a different reason. Oh yes. Matt Pond PA played last night. Now, let me preface this by saying that I really didn't feel up to going after a long day as is, but I realized that my alternative would have been sitting on the couch complaining about how tired I was. And I do that most of the time. It has actually formed into a hobby.

I'll summarize by saying, even though the band morphs every time I've seen them play (Who do they think they are, Destiny's Child?!??!*) I was super impressed. So impressed that I bought a a t-shirt that I'm only 50% sure will fit. Crush reinstated! And even better, they played old songs, and barely anything off of the new record which I can now admit I haven't listened to whatsoever. Yay!

I guess I should also announce that the reason I've been so tired is because I've finally found employment. It's still kind of surreal, as I was unemployed since.. last February. (Not the one that just passed, but the one before that.) Despite being employed for about a week and a half, it hasn't sunk in yet. Besides the fact that my abnormal sleeping schedule has radically change, and now I get to "clock in" somewhere. (Which is really cool. I've always wanted to "clock in", and now I can scratch this off of my non-existing life goal list.)

The weird part is, I'm so out of practice. Like, even with simple tasks, like perfecting my "answering phone voice" and stapling papers. Literally! My hand was shaking as I was stapling a paper for someone yesterday. They were probably like "WTF is up with the new girl?" But with all jobs, I always believe that after a month, you're set.

Anyway. A big ~~Stars Hollow~~ Lancaster issue these days is a new law that might pass, banning stickers. This means that if you have stock in the Lisa Frank corporation, back out now!

....

So, like in any city with a big local music and art scene, telephone poles are littered with band stickers and such. And you know, this never bothered me. Sure, technically it's in the same ranking as graffiti, but if I went to a club that didn't have random stickers plastered to the bathroom wall, I'd really question its overall rock power. Some places even seem to encourage this type of expression, since it kind of adds ambiance and history. Hell, I was shocked when I went to Rome and saw so much spray paint, but it didn't mean it still wasn't beautiful and awesome.

Here's the problem. I can understand the whole "let's keep our community looking awesome" goal, but the Mayor plans on fining sticker-abusers. And if they can't catch the abuser, they'll attack whatever the sticker is promoting. So if you're in a band, and give 50 stickers out at a show, and 5 people put a sticker on stop signs and mailboxes, the band can be fined $250 bucks. Or more. And being that most of my friends are in bands, I know they're putting the very, very little cash they get (typically 0 - 30 bucks, depending on the venue) on filling up their gas tank to arrive at the show in the first place. So, the Mayor is pretty much doing the city a favor by discouraging the art and music that make Lancaster thrive to begin with. Way to go.

This has already inspired many people to revolt, if this deal passes. Suddenly I can put up stickers for everything, and have them take the blame. I mean, one of the littering stickers is actually OF the mayor, supporting his campaign. Weird, right? Anyway - I'm in the process of screwing over the following things via sticker-demise.

1. Hannah Montana
2. Unicorns (I love them, but if they owe something to the city, I can see one for reals and be its best friend.)
3. All of the people who were like "Hey, Obama is President, and one month after being elected, I still am in a shitty situation. He was supposed to cure the economy and create rainbows. But no jobs have been calling me. Good work, America!"
4. Calvin, since he has been pissing on things forever.
5. That terrible band Pandas that opened up for Silverstein. (LOL, kidding! Love you guys!)
6. That real panda in the WWF logo. Screw him for trying to promote the protection of endangered animals!

There's a town council meeting about it next Tuesday ~~At Ms. Patty's Dance Studio~~ down the street, so I might attend. Or, I might not, and just continue to bitch about it on the internet. I haven't decided yet. Or better yet, I can brainstorm on what the city wants to ban next. I really hope it's procreating.

And on the same page as the sticker ban ridiculousness, This Just In: White Castle is now selling burger-scented candles. (Seriously, I found out about 3 seconds ago, and figured I'd share.) I have to admit, the packaging is pretty kickass. Plus, it'd probably get the stench of vegetarianism out of my apartment.
There's a car air freshener as well, but it may counteract with my car's typical smell, "chainsmoker". Thus, I must pass on that. But yeah, I'm going to buy the hell out of that candle. Solely since when they finish burning for a year, and I can scrape all the waxy residue out, it'd be a great container for hair pins and cheap tangled jewelry that I want to vaguely smell like greasy burgers. So really, it's a gift within a gift!

On The Next Blog: I will probably talk about stuff from the 90's, and how I love David Cook a lot. Like, A Lot.

* I use this joke all the time, and I know it's not even funny since Destiny's Child isn't even a band anymore. Wait. Did I use this joke in the last entry?

Livin' On The Edge.

2010-04-22T14:09:00.006-04:00

Happy 140th entry, blog! Since 140 is a special anniversary, I decided to stall this momentous occasion as long as possible. Personally, my favorite entries were my 43rd and my 102nd. But whose keeping count!

So, here's the issue that's currently plaguing my life. I don't know if I can get through the whole day without punching a wall over it, so I figure that e-venting may help (and, it's better than wall fixing and wrist breaking.)

Brownies.

One may ask why this baked good may be on my mind at 2:16 PM. Well friends, it was brought up after watching this (very hilarious) video.

Informercials, in general, make life seem so difficult! Yet, as a victim of everyday clumsiness, I can relate to those kids spilling juice everywhere, and that man with the wires that just can't untangle! In fact, just this morning, I had a very humbling experience when my pizza fell off the rack and wedged itself in the corner, finding shelter in the drawer underneath - cheeseless and mortified.

Of course, in true e-fashion, I sent a copy of the link to everyone on gchat. And let them know it'd be funny, by signifying "LOL". And then, during the "oops, my brownies are a disaster!" segment, my dearest pal Gina mentioned.. this.

gina: i know!
the mountain out of a mole hill situation
and btw
the perfect brownie maker?
the brownies with sides are the worst ones.
why would i want all of them to have sides?
Sent at 1:58 PM on Thursday
me: Seriously?
I LOVE brownie sides
Sent at 2:01 PM on Thursday
me: I also love the end pieces of bread.
gina: NOT ME!
OMG KAREN
our first real disagreement!
me: This is truly upsetting.
We may need to see couple's counseling.
Sent at 2:03 PM on Thursday
gina: seriously.
or, when we make brownies
you can just have the outside ones and i'll have the inside ones
me: MAYBE.
Maybe I don't feel comfortable with this arrangement!
gina: O RLY
me: As I eat my sides, I'll feel like you're silently judging me.
gina: why wouldn't you be comfortable?! we sound like perfect puzzle pieces to me!
me: (Karen eats brownie side)

Karen: I love my sides!

(Gina glares, onward)

Gina: Who does she think she is.
This may take some time. Maybe we can start out small. Like. We'll make cupcakes. And move on to banana bread. And then brownies.
gina: ok.
that works for me.
if baby steps are what you're comfortable with!

I kind of thought everyone loved brownie sides. They make me happy the same way bread ends do. Now it looks like I'm alone in this world. (That's where you come in. Prove me wrong, world! Pro-edge over no-edge!)

Gina and I later discussed what other baked goods we may disagree on. We both agree that cupcake tops (and muffin tops) are far superior.

However, I am weird with food. Thinking about such little friendship-ruining aspects like brownie sides made me delve deeper into my food philosophy. Like, for one, I'm a vegetarian. I know, right? Who the hell do I think I am!? Second, I do not like ice cream sandwiches. Yes, you read that right. I do not like ice cream sandwiches. They're messy and melty, and sometimes you get chocolate caked on your fingers, and I think I'm going to throw up now, since I've thought about it for too long.

Know what else sucks? Apple Pie. Yes, I'm an American. But I prefer my pie when it's not in fall-apart mode. Examples: Pumpkin, and Pecan.

Another admittance. One of my favorite foods growing up was sour cream and bread. You toast the bread, put sour cream in a bowl, add some salt and pepper (mainly pepper), take the toasted bread from the toaster, and rip it into small pieces in sour cream bowl. Then you mix, and eat with a fork. I didn't invent this, I swear. My Mom said it was one of her Dad's favorite recipes. Blame him!

(Okay, this self rant just took a break, since my cat just jumped in my lap. So cute!) (ANYWAY.)

Know what my favorite drink is, besides coffee? Water. Plain, ice cold tap water. The Brita pitcher was perhaps the best purchase I ever made, even though I never change the filter, and I'm too lazy to buy new filters anyway.

(I bet you're shocked that I didn't say Kool Aid, but I've taken a brief break from it. Splenda is super expensive in bulk. And I was on about a pitcher a day.)

So, there you have it. All of my food confessions are out there for everyone to see and judge. While typing this, Gina and I further debated muffins, and I mentioned that Dunkin Donuts were a bit too cakey for my liking. She has yet to respond. In fact, to prove this, here's proof that our friendship is broken.

gina: why?
they're delicious
Sent at 2:26 PM on Thursday
me: They are a little too cakey for me
Sent at 2:32 PM on Thursday

It is currently 2:39.

In other news, I totally got an online order for Charlotte Russe in the other day, but noticed that it was missing two items. A bra, and a set of rings. So I called in yesterday, to set the record straight. I ask myself this. Why do I still get embarrassed when describing a missing bra to a stranger on the phone? What am I, 12?

And then I'm informed of this:

"Sorry ma'am, the bra is out of stock"

Oh noez! What'z my chest gonna do? Thatz what bras do, right? Now I'll never be ablez to change in the gym locker room!!!

Of course the rings were available. Thank heavens! And I was credited money for my bra. Yep, that's right. My credit card statement will now have a +$6.70 on it in 5 to 7 business days, due to the fact that my bra didn't make its way into my arms, safe and sound.

I actually contemplated not even telling them about it, since as a 26-year-old, ten dollars was not worth the time and utter embarrassment that it took to mention the three-letter word to the female stranger on the other line that has to deal with similar inquiries on a daily basis. I'm just so happy that the "panties" I received all got here safely, since otherwise, that 5 minute convenient and non-threatening phone conversation I personally chose to have would have been about 5% more horrible. Oh, and even worse - this kind female stranger who was accurately doing her job now knows my bra size. What if she tells everyone!

On the plus side, the tank top I ordered - which did arrive - is awesome. Fun fact: I'm wearing it right now!

With that being said, I'm going to relax, have a nice cold cup of tap water, and rewatch that infomercial compilation. And hope that no other super great friendships get questioned in the process.

Tons Of Bunny

2010-02-19T13:05:00.008-05:00

Here's a very short "Compare and Contrast" for your Friday afternoon.

Item #1: Gina linked me to a story on Jezebel (a very good website, introduced to me by Gina back in the day) about a British bunny beating the "Biggest Bunny Ever" competition. Now, I had heard about a gigantic bunny back in the day, and it seemed fake. But, no. Looks like these humongous herbivores are totally for real.

Ralph, a 40-pound, 4-foot rabbit, is set to break his mother's Guinness World Record. In the video after the jump, his owner says, "I bought a rabbit for the grandchildren. I had no idea what I was taking on."

Does anyone? I mean, my neighbor up the street had two rabbits, and all they did was eat carrots and crap all over the place. And they were a decent size. Also, their hutch was home-made and air conditioned. And no, I swear I wasn't jealous! Those things made me stop eating Cocoa Puffs for years.

Item #2 When I think of rabbits with gigantism, one movie comes to mind. Wallace and Gromit's Curse of the Were Rabbit, anyone?

I don't overly publicize my Wallace and Gromit fandom, but creator Nick Park was up to something, man. British. Gigantic rabbits. You need no other proof.

(That picture is a plush toy, by the way, but looks nearly identical to its claymation counterpart. I need to write more and "scroll" the picture off my screen, since I'm this close to buying it and squeezing the stuffing out of it with massive hugs!)

So, I admit that I've gotten back on the Survivor bandwagon. My Dad and I used to watch it together when I was in NJ, and when I lived in York, we called each other during commercial breaks to be like "WTF was that about!? Oh, Jeff Probst, you slay us!" However, then I moved to my own place, and had no TV since I was poor. Upon moving again, there is a television, so I can catch up on this show and massive amounts of MTV garbage I "missed" in the meantime.

This season is "Heroes V. Villains", which takes some of the lovable characters from last season, and pens them against each other. Episode one was actually horrifically violent - after a challenge in which contestants had to beat the shit out of each other, Stephenie had her shoulder dislocated (and popped back in... gross!), Rupert (the beardy, tie dyed teddy bear who penned such classics as "Rupert: Just Being Me"*) dislocated his toe in three places, and Sugar - who once acted on Gilmore Girls as the chick Jess dated that made Rory jealous - had her top pulled off by another contestant, which brought upon a famous "Survivor" full frontal blur. She was voted off for being annoying, which is understandable. She annoyed me on Gilmore Girls since she was NOT Rory!

Last night's episode was kind of boring, and not just because I was a jerk who looked up season spoilers while watching episode one. Survivor has been on for twenty seasons, yet they keep recycling the same jerk players for these newer seasons. I do believe they had some budget cuts, as this season is in the same exact place as last season was. But still. Where's my all time favorite, Frosti? He did parkour, and was just awesome, and I had a crush on him. I bet he would have been on again, solely based on the fact that I wanted him to be. (We are MySpace friends, you know. And he did respond to me with a "thanks!" when I MySpace messaged him in like, 2008 and told him how I loved him. If that's not a bond, I don't know what is.)

It's very obvious that Jeff Probst has massive man-crushes on some of these guys. Like James. James is a big, burly dude who obviously kicks butt in a lot of challenges. Yet he was also an idiot, since if I recall correctly, he had two immunity idols and used 0 of them, and got booted. If I learned anything from Survivor it's "Don't Trust Anyone". And if I could learn this by watching the show, I fail to believe that contestants wouldn't have picked up on that already.

Also, since I'm a girl, I need to admit that I think JT on the show (I didn't see his original season, but I think he won) is really hot.

I admit, part of the reason I'm allowing myself to get involved with this trainwreck again is so that I can reconnect with my Dad on absolutely anything other than my unemployment. Obviously it'll always be a topic of concern, with both of us, but I'd rather have 10 minutes of job sorrow talk and 20 minutes discussing Rupert's tie-dye apparell, then 25 minutes of job sorrow talk and 5 minutes of him talking about how he walked to the post office.

Plus, I've always believed in watching shows due to "watercooler chat". I mentioned once in a past blog that at a past job, during David Cook's season of American Idol, it was really awesome to be able to connect with my coworkers based on something positive, and completely unrelated - even if for a minute or two. Plus, when my fingers were bleeding the next day, they knew it was from phone voting, and not a major kitchen knife accident. (Or was it?)

By the way, the only reason I decided to mass-post about Survivor is because I had a dream that I was on the show last night, and they made me eat a hot dog. Supposedly I won a challenge, and that was my prize, and I just stared at it thinking, "but I'm a vegetarian! What to do!" Thank you self, for waking up before I had to make this life changing decision.

Oh. I could also be posting my opinion on this season of 16 and Pregnant, but the first episode broke my skull with anger, so maybe next time.

* I really want to like Rupert, but that book cover made me laugh when I spotted it about 2 years ago, and I got into a major giggle fit when re-discovering it last night. That, plus some comments on the TWoP forum - in specific, "Why get your panties in a bunch about getting rid of Stephenie, when you have a 200-plus pound tie dyed pantload with a broken toe just sitting there. Literally." Hee!

Struck Out

2010-02-05T15:13:00.004-05:00

I must admit, I feel compelled to write because for the first time in four days, I have a coffee. And due to the possible snow (see below!), two Sugar Free Red Bulls in case of emergency. I should hide them in a glass cabinet, and break it when such emergency happens. Sure, it's impractical, but tell me - when was the last time you got to smash something out of urgency, huh?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I love you, Sheetz. I will shout it off the roof if I didn't have a fear of roofs! I love you, Sheetz!

Here's a fun factoid of the day. If you google search "Sharkleberry Fin t-shirt", this very blog is the third result. The first two are from x-entertainment, maintained by ~~super close, very good friend~~ someone I wish was friends with me but never returned my e-mail. It's an honor. Even weirder, I never mentioned the Sharkleberry shirt before! I didn’t even know it existed until I heard rumors from x-entertainment! Life is hilarious!

In fact, since we're on the topic, I made myself a pitcher of Sharkleberry the other day and it was, by far, the best flavor Kool Aid I've ever had. When ~~friends~~ people I pay to talk to me asked me what it tasted like, here was my response.

me: Mmm. Kool Aid.
This is the first time I've drank Strawberry Kool Aid.
It's never available at Weis.
2:49 PM dmarie.rapp: Mmmm I like that flavor.
I don't like that many flavors. I prefer ones that turn out blue
me: It's no Purple, that's for sure
YES
dmarie.rapp: hahah
me: I think I have some blue.
My friend Jenn in NYC sent me some vintage flavors for my birthday.
Sharkleberry Fin is the best kind .. ever
But, I only have one packet of it left
I want to cherish it.
Unless I put some bids on some more Sharkleberry on eBay
2:51 PMdmarie.rapp: hahaha yes. What does that kind taste like again?
me: It tastes like a shark riding on a surfboard wearing sunglasses.
2:52 So in other word. AWESOME. It tastes like AWESOME.
2:53 PMdmarie.rapp: HAHAHAH
love it

In fact, one might say that I cut and pasted that whole conversation with my dear sweet D to make a claim that, this really is my life. That awesome pink shark is part of who I am. This is what occupies my time, when I'm not ~~being busy and important and awesome~~ sobbing in my shower due to my constant state of unemployment.

So, what have I been up to since my last post? Plenty. Here's a bulleted list!

I moved. I'm still in Lancaster, but I'm not where I was in Lancaster prior. Many kudos to Greg for taking pity on my situation, and helping me move couches and stuff. I don't know about him, but my back is still broken. My bruises multiplied. I'm not worried, since bruising is like, my favorite hobby.

Christmas DID happen. There was a chance of it being stolen, but no. My family put on a kickass party, and my cat only attacked me once out of fear. Way to be a champ, Finn

I ate like, a whole lot of cheese. Who knew cheese could be so fancy, and not just be Kraft Singles?

I turned 26! I won't lie, I almost typed "27". I think everything post 25 is just a haze. So, maybe I am 27. I'm definitely "late 20s". A bunch of my friends came out to the lounge, and D made me an awesome cake, which I didn't eat but did take numerous pictures of. I tried to post a picture, but blogger is being horrific right now, so here’s a pixellated picture I just spat out right now.

_________________

THIS IS A CAKE

__________________

Disclaimer: It looked much better than this. Damn you blogger!

Tonight, I hope to be attending the First Friday Dance Party, and try to dance all of my aforementioned moving bruises away. However, supposedly the snow fall is supposed to totally ruin everything, and nobody will step up and be a hero. That, and I’m a really bad driver in the snow. So, let’s hope it’s all just rumors. (Those meteologists on WGAL seem very dark to me.) If I am stuck indoors, I’ll miss out on reuniting with some old friends from college. I may as well just make new friends, out of snow. I guess that could be fun.

I don’t know if this blog has even shone (Shined? Shone? Shond? I need school!) light on my new hero. Parks and Recreation didn’t wow me over first season, so I didn’t really jump on board. However, it is now my favorite show on television. Season 2 has been nothing short of fantastic, and I’m so glad I gave it another chance.

The hero in question is Ron Swanson. Not only does he have a killer mustache, but his blunt attitude is something I actually admire. I mean, who else could utter the work-line of “ There's a bunch of messages waiting for you about a bunch of things I don't understand.” Ron Swanson. Or, “They'll only talk to you or me. And I can't go, because I don't want to.”

My new goal is to incorporate more of a Ron Swanson personality into my own. This mission will hopefully be completed by the end of 2010.

This isn’t just a push for all of you to learn about Ron, as much as a push for those nonbelievers to start watching the show. Let’s face it. The Office is dead. It was a slow and painful death, but it’s dead. It could only be revived with a death. (I’ll keep watching every week, but I counted my laughs for last night’s episode, and the number was 0.)

The following sketches have been in my head for awhile – I kept on meaning to post an entry about it, but I never had adequate time. Ladies and gentleman, here are my top 5 sketches of all time. They all continuously make me laugh, no matter how many times I see them. I know that a sitcom is different from a sketch, but it’s seriously all in the writing.

#5. Synchronized Swimming, SNL

We must have had this on tape, since this sketch was born the same year I was. However, I remember being… 5? And cracking up, and quoting the sketch with my family. It’s a poor quality, but bare with me. The internet is only great for some things, some time.

#4 Captain Monterey Jack – Cheese, The State

The State - MTV Shows

I have a few favorite State sketches, but this one wins because it’s not only got the “cheese can’t dial a phone” line, but Michael Ian Black trips at the end. The State skit called “Pants” would have been in this position, but since they had to change the music for the DVD, it’s funny-meter is all twisted. (Prior to, it was “Cannonball” by The Breeders. Now it’s elevator music.)

#3 “The Beard” – Kids in the Hall

My sister definitely influenced me to the greatness that is Kevin McDonald. He was a bit underrated, especially after Dave Foley got super famous. I think McDonald was last seen bounding around like a Muppet on the Dana Carvey show, circa a decade ago, or in another National Lampoon (straight to) video. But this? Gold. Friends with facial hair… this is a cautionary tale.

#2 Christmas Today – SNL

SNL Christmas Song | Movies & TV | SPIKE.com

Okay, my intense crush on a once floppy-haired Jimmy Fallon totally pushes this up the rank. And the fact that he has a keyboard with dinosaur noises only makes it better. But, come on. It’s so simple, it’s to the point, it’s goofy, and it was covered by Julian Casablancas this year. It’s also my favorite Christmas song ever. Ever! Mark my word!

#1 Monster Parties, Mr. Show with Bob and David

I credit my cousin Chris for making me watch this skit, and then being a total enabler into the world of Bob and David. As someone who never had HBO… ever, Chris’s compilation tape of a marathon pretty much took over a full month of my life. The show is smart, sharp, and funny. It lasted the perfect amount of time.

If you were to watch one sketch on this list, I vote for this one.

And with that, I’m off.

Frozen Feet

2009-12-21T13:55:00.008-05:00

So, as far as I know, all of my Christmas shopping is done. Awesome! Also, I totally forgot to celebrate Hanukkah. D'oh! Sorry, Jewish half. I had 8 days, but my mind has been elsewhere recently. Also, my good menorah was at home. (Bad menorah = scented candles)

< /sacreligious>

I hope nobody minds that I got them toilet paper for Christmas. It's something everyone needs, and fits in with my budget. It'll be a White Christmas, y'all!

Anyway, it snowed, but everyone knows that - and despite being the proud owner of a brand new tub of snow salt, and gaining insanely awesome back muscles from shoveling with a hideously embarrasing/adorable-if-you-can-pull-it-off (and-I-can't-pull-it-off) bomber hat, it wasn't worth mentioning.

It did inspire Greg to show me a ton of movies I haven't seen before, including The Matrix (Yeah, I know. Shut up! I just had no interest in special effects, which in 2009, aren't even that special. Deal with it!) and Iron Man (AWE. SOME. For those who love Iron Man, you'll also [not] love Only You, solely because both star Robert Downey Jr. And! Only You inspired me to want/never get a Ouija board.)

I forgot if I mentioned how much I dislike my new upstairs roommates yet (I think I briefly mentioned "brooming"), but if I did, here's more fuel to that fire. While trying to clear off my stairs, Fratty McGee stumbles downstairs and is like "Yo, we're responsible for this, right? Like, maintenance? I think the lease says so." I say yes, despite the fact that I don't remember any of my lease whatsoever. So, he shovels for about 2 minutes, and runs back upstairs, since I'm sure

the insert-Philly-related-team-member made an insert-some-big-points-thing.

I'm only really mad because he's loud and stupid. I know I can also be loud and stupid, but I don't bring buddies over for loud TV times every Friday through Sunday. Ironically, part of my shoveling and sweeping involved the broom I've broomed them with before. So if Fratty knows anything about me, it's that I love brooms and know how to use 'em.

In somewhat related news, I'm really bummed out, because the remainder of my Orange Kool Aid has totally frozen in the container. I'm still trying to manage over the loss. ("But Karen," you may say. "Just leave it out and put some ice cubes in it later." No! I want it now.)

(No makeup. No shower. Just disappointed glances. Sorry.)

My friend Jenn may be gifting me some Sharkleberry Finn in the future, to which I'd like to thank her for ahead of time for support of my addiction that she helped fuel. And since this paragraph already mentions her, I'd also like to thank her for her Christmas card/wonderful

penmanship (as well as Brooke! Your card should get there in a day or so.)

In WTF news.. Brittany Murphy died? Wow. I actually heard about it while on the phone with my Dad, so I was totally his Perez Hilton in that situation. He was sad, and then upset that I was multitasking by surfing the internet while taking his phone call. Whatever, Dad! It's 2009 and I can do anything I want!

It's weird for a few reasons. One, Brittany actually grew up the next town over from me, and I'm partially certain that she went to the same high school as my friend Gina. Second, she went to a dance school that all of my friends that had some coordination went to growing up. (So, everyone besides me. Instead, I heard their stories and ate really good pizza at Pizza Time across the street.) Three, she was so young, and I actually had stumbled across a used DVD of Just Married the other day, thinking to myself "Well, even though it wasn't a big award winner, nor did it make much money, it was better than I thought it'd be." I didn't buy it, as I have a VHS copy somewhere in a closet in NJ.

Celebrity deaths make me feel really Vada Sultenfuss, so further reading of Brittany's demise made my heart hurt and sleep difficult.

Anyhow. One of the best things about being in a different state is that all your friends in the other state miss you more. At least, that's what I tell myself. My friend Dan invited me out for coffee among my arrival, which I'm happy about. However, since he may be reading this, I must tell him how totally busy and important I am, and how I need to "squeeze" him into my nothing-filled planner that I don't even own. I can't wait to come home!

In catching up with Dan's blog, I remembered the Santa bot. Way, way back in the day, when robots were born, the internet created this IM-bot called Googlyminotaur that knew everything about Radiohead. The bot and I became friends, naturally, and then one day he disappeared. Naturally.

From what I can tell, this IM name for Santa was replaced with a website, as Google referred me to Santabot.com Not cool. But, if Dan did it, so will I. Here's my own conversation with the one, and only, Santa Claus.

You: HEY DUDE
Santa: Glad to see you, hey dude .
You: No, my name is Karen
Santa: That's me. Nice to meet you, karen .
You: You're me? No way.
Santa: No I am Santa.You seem pretty sure about that.
You: You seem to be a really shitty typer.
Santa: I am Santa. I give presents to kids.
You: I don't trust your credentials.
Santa: What makes you trust someone?
You: If they give me candy.
Santa: Let's wait and see what they do.
You: Am I on the good list or bad list?
Santa: I think a lot of people are.
You: This is a waste of a blog feature.
Santa: What kind of a waste of a blog feature of a blog feature is it?
You: Tell me secrets!
Santa: There is not much I can say about secrets . I have to reach into the Web for that knowledge. Do you still ?
You: What.
Santa: Are you surprised?
You: Is googlyminotaur in heaven?
Santa: Signs point to yes. Ask Artificial Iniaes if it is.
You: That is the best answer you've given all day!
Santa: Yes it is one of the best answer you have given all day.

.. LAME.

I'll try to write before the holidays, but as of now, I have to finish up my cards. If anyone can find a better Santa bot, let me know. This one will haunt me for at least the remainder of today.

Hey, These Days Are Short.

2009-12-05T13:53:00.008-05:00

When I first moved from NJ to PA, I made a promise to myself. And that was to not bring The Sims 2 with me. Now, I feel as if in past blogs I've mentioned how obsessed I was over the game - not to the level where I download custom made houses or Gilmore Girls characters to recreate a virtual Stars Hollow (even though that's not such a bad idea!), but to the level where I'd sit down and play and then realize it was 9 PM.

Also, it should be noted that I very rarely bought expansion packs, but this was solely because my computers could never handle them. I'd hate for my internet to be slower since my Sims wanted to be wizards, or have 700 more pastel colored shirts to change into. As far as Sims 2 went, I had the original version, and the college expansion, which was fucking amazing. Finally, I could create Sims to study for class more than I did in real life!

Recently, I saw the disks laying around in NJ, and decided that it was time to bring them back with me. I've gone through a job, a lot of headaches, a lot of unemployment matters, and the like. I deserved this. Yet upon installation, I realized one disk was left behind. Disk 4. God damn you, disk 4. Thus, installation was stalled again. I'd like to think that everything happens for a reason, and some higher power, or my subconscience, was telling me that this was just the wrong time.

Let's focus on now. It's December 5th. My Dad's birthday is in two days (and so is Pearl Harbor Day!) And, as one would assume, Christmas is just around the corner. Being that I've struggled to survive these last few months, it's hard for me to pinpoint what I actually want, besides some socks and some sugar free Red Bull (which makes the list every year, but nobody ever buys it for me. It's perfect to weigh down a stocking. A case of it would look mighty grand under the tree.) The annual "Christmas list" has made its rounds between my Dad and my sister, but I just can't ... think. I guess part of it is that I'm finally figuring out where I'll be next year, and while last year included pots and pans for my apartment, this year doesn't require much.

So, I think I'm going to ask for the Sims 3. I know that I pinpointed when it came out, but I also tried to pretend that it never existed, to save myself some sanity. I repressed the idea of it. I threw it way too far out of reach. If this is gifted to me, I won't

feel any remorse. After all, my resume is pretty much circling all around Lancaster as is. I'm pretty sure people are getting a copy of it with some Weis coupons for holiday ham. Quite simply, it is time.

Here's a scary revelation. Next year, I'm going to be 26. Twenty. Six. Now, 25 hit me hard. But 26 is no joke. And this also horribly limits my Christmas wish list.

For example, each year I ask for fun stuff, like Nerf guns and Furbies. Now, I've reached the point where these requests make me eccentric and horrifying. Here's more proof of my sudden aging.

1. Went to Target recently, and bought sugar free Werthers Original.

2. Contemplating buying Christmas gift for my cat.

3. "Broomed" my new, loud upstairs neighbors twice now, for being too loud on the weekends.

4. Despite constant mockery, have suddenly wondered what a Snuggie feels like.

5. Nights out have become less popular. Nights in, eating chinese food in bed while watching TV shows on DVD have become more popular.

6. I keep on forgetting to mail back my Netflix

7. Hair has resorted to two styles: Down, or in non-purposeful-off-center-ponytail.

8. I watched The Price is Right the other day and was actually into it - yet, longed for the Bob Barker days.

9. Started chewing Trident Xtra Care Gum

10. Facebook suddenly became confusing and not interesting, and people's status updates are only about the weather.

I have to say, I've had one new interest recently which I've plagued all of my Twitter followers about. And that is Kool Aid. In fact, I've been horribly sick for the last few days, and I think it was due to drinking abnormal amounts of Kool Aid that I have the strength to update my blog. That 10% of Vitamin C really makes all the difference.

I credit this to Jenn, a dear friend of mine, when I learned that she was researching and bidding on old flavors on eBay. And the names? Slayed me! Sharkleberry Finn, Rock-a-dile Red, Purplesaurus? Come on now, Purplesaurus!

Jenn has become quite the collector, yet she knows it's a dangerous hobby. I, on the other hand, decided to haphazardly try to recreate the classics. For example, Cherry Cracker was available for a few months, and was pretty much standard cherry with pop rocks. It was a 4th of July promo. The other day, I added some strawberry Pop Rocks to cherry, and oh my god. I hate to admit that it was fun and amusing, but it was. Also: scientific. OHHH YEAHHH.

In fact, pretty soon when the madness reaches a new high, I'm pretty sure I'm going to mix Pop Rocks with all of my drinks - except for soda, since I will explode.

(I also credit Blockbuster, for going out of business and selling Pop Rocks for a cheap price.)

My one last piece of news, is that last night I checked out my friend Dan's band, Liquor Ridge, and despite being outside with some shitty audio equipment, they were really good. Dan has been in Brooklyn for awhile now, so any visits back to Lancaster are much appreciated. Last night in general was a lot of fun, since it was a First Friday and it wasn't raining. I bumped into about a dozen people I knew, and had some odd conversations with some strangers that always make nights out more.. colorful. The one negative part was that the dance floor seemed too packed for actual dancing, and despite D's attempts to get me out there, I stayed put. Sorry, D. I even had my dancin' shoes on.

Liquor Ridge will have a show in March in Brooklyn, hopefully more people that, and they may be on WIXQ tonight. That's still up in the air, I believe.

With that, I need to fix my hair and wake my feet up. Whether it'll be down or in a crooked ponytail, I have yet to figure out.

Sister Weddings and Moving Plants

2009-11-10T11:22:00.009-05:00

A very belated (electronically, as I was there and have talked to her a billion times since) congratulations to my sister and Kevin, for getting hitched on October 17th. As someone who typically dislikes the pressure put on weddings, I have to say that Leigh was insanely admirable in her planning, overall attitude, (overall) lack of nerves, and dancing skills. It was an awesome day. My Dad has already watched the video about 90 times, pausing at segments and giving me his personal audio commentary. So, thank you to Uncle Pat as well, for keeping him entertained.

Since I know everyone's favorite thing in the world is looking at someone elses wedding pictures, here are a few. (Deal with it! It was beautiful! And this is my blog!) (Also, I didn't take these, and they're the untouched version. I could totally get sued for sharing!!)

This was taken at the rehearsal. The rehersal for awhile was all of us hanging out in the room, and

then I walked down the aisle too far. Fear struck, as I realized that one misstep would cause me

to be banned from all future family events. Family Wedding Factoid: I bought that dress the day of the rehearsal. And I wore it to go dancing recently. It's a pretty great dress, if I do say so myself.

Since these pictures are far bigger than the captions - and will probably format in a scary way when I press 'publish", I'll talk about the aisle walking action both above AND below the next photo. Family Wedding Factoid: That is the SAME room as the one above.

Seriously, I'd post all the pictures of Bride-Leigh if I could, since she looked absolutely stunning. Also, it took her about a day to find that dress, which Family Wedding Factoid: Needed no alterations whatsoever. Additionally, neither did mine.

Okay. For the record, I have no clue why I'm smirking in this, but I guess that's just what I do. (sidenote: I was eating a tray of apples from Rutters while uploading these, and I just noticed now that they're gone. I'm sorely disappointed.) Family Wedding Factoid: Apples were not served at the wedding. Maybe they were at the brunch the next day, but I missed a majority of it. And

knowing me, I probably would have stolen a few for the ride back, based on my love of the concept of portable fruit.)

(Really. Apples are pretty satisfying in slice form. Also, I got them last night and forgot to refrigerate them, and they were still good.

Rutters, I love you. You are one of the few things I miss about York, besides the drive-thru at Subway that I talked about way too much.)

The dinner, toasts (Best man, best me, Mr. Ray, and Dad) were all quite good. At least, people told me mine was. Family Wedding Factoid: My Dad and I didn't have notes. We winged it well, based on our brain power.

Also, kudos to Leigh for her song list. People were out dancing, I cried solely at the concept of "Blackbird" by CS&N being played for the father/daughter dance, there were no Conga lines (and no Conga by Gloria Estefan... which could have happened!) (And no Gloria Estefan, who could have made an appearance).

Back to stuff that barely matters!

So, recently I've been into (recently? I meant "always", but moreso now) ridiculous products and ads for such. Thanks to the news feature saying that Oscar The Grouch was too much of a lefty while reporting for "GNN" news station, I found a link to this... thing in the comments.

And trust me, I don't normally click on wackjob links.

SAY WHAA? Okay, here's why that video rocks.

1. The catchy beats/screaming muppet-like child chorus

2. The bear

3. People punching a plant/Possible plant injury

4. The bear being SHOCKED!

5. The lyrics. "If you're five or a HUNDRED years old!" Really, if I ever live to be 100 - and I hope not - I hope this shitty plant isn't what I'm most impressed with in life.

I have watched this video about ten times, and I don't know if I want one, or if I want to run away from one. But the song just won't leave my head. This is why I'm glad I live alone, so only my cat can hear my awful/right on target rendition.

One of my favorite childhood books was "The Plant That Ate The Dirty Socks" - and I'm pretty sure there was a sequel, too. I imagine those plants to look a lot like TickleMe, and that terrifies me. The fictional plants hearned how to open a fridge and skateboard around the house. Also, they ate socks! Do I really want to add something like that to my life? Hmm.

Yet, I have to say, I'd rather have 90 TickleMe Plants than one Tiddy Bear.

Yeah, that's a real thing that I remember from childhood, that was revisited recently. Tired of annoying seatbelts doing their job? Get this perverted boob bear.

Since I'm on a roll right now, here's yet another.

The Loud and Clear. When you want to hear what your neighbors are totally saying about you from across the street. When you want to hear deer, before they can hear you. If you want to see three scenes of that old woman in the pink shirt listening to birds.

Plus, this is totally false advertising, since I'm under the impression that with the Loud & Clear, your Bingo skills will totally rise. Nuh uh. That game is a game of chance. Not hearing. Unless you can suddenly hear spirits that will help you cheat. There are other things I'd rather spend 14.95 on, like candy.

(I hate to admit this, but the TickleMe Plant song is still in my brain.)

Does anyone remember the commercial that aired on Nickelodeon all the time, where you could make giant bubbles? I can't find that online, but I'd link to that as well.

Enough for now!

Fake Weddings.

2009-10-07T12:27:00.006-04:00

I've mentioned before to you guys that I love Halloween. However, if you've been following my life anecdotes via blog, you may remember how I didn't do anything last year. Despite being all pumped, I ended up at home. I think I went to a diner, in normal Karen-clothes. My Dad forced my sister and I to go into a neighbor's spooky fun house, which was kind of spooky (especially since I was tired yet awkwardly Red Bulled up) and not fun. Not fun at all.

However, this year, I have plan ideas as well as a costume. Quite possibly the best costume I've put together in a long time. And I'd tell you what I was, but that kind of ruins the fun. Let me state it this way. I will not dress up like the following:

1. Garfield

2. Stick-On-Car Garfield

3. Giant pair of pants (This has been a costume suggestion by my sister for the last ten years)

The best part about Halloween is that rent is due the next day! ... Hoo... Ray.

I posted in my twitter about how my neighbors upstairs were most likely trying out for the Olympic sport of door slamming. Typically they've been good, despite the year-long shun they had after I had my birthday party, and the monkey printed underwear they threw in my hallway. So I didn't mind the doorslamming so much.

The next day, I saw a new door in the hallway, and figured that they slammed too hard.

Two days later, I got a message from my landlord about how a guy was going to come and sand the floors on Thursday or Friday of last

week. He came on Wednesday instead, when I spent most of the day in bed. Figures.

However, then I went to do some laundry and realized that my neighbors didn't have their laundry gear decorating their washer and dryer. Both were, in fact, unplugged. I put the pieces together.

My neighbors moved out?!

Wow. Now I felt bad. I wish I could have written them a card or something. The 5 times I've seen them were simply "walk past" occasions. A montage played in my head, of the time I held the door open for my guy neighbor while watching fireworks outside. The time I bumped into my female neighbor while testing the keys before work, upon moving in last December. The glares they gave me when party guests infiltrated the hallway. Plus two other times. It makes for a great montage.

Last night, I had a feeling that new neighbors may have moved in. That, or the sanding guy invited some friends over. Being that I don't know who'd move in on a Tuesday, and I never saw trucks or heard the thud of heavy furniture, I'm guessing it's the latter. So, who knows. Life is a

mystery!!

Anyway. Despite not having a TV, there are still some shows that I cannot miss. One, being The Office, which has - let's face it - fallen off the wagon a lot recently. Yet, it's not something that I can just turn off. Kind of like Friends. I lost interest about 3 Ross-Weddings in, but it was just familiar, and something to do on Thursday.

Next week is the big Pam and Jim crazy wedding episode. This episode even warranted a

(pretty!) cover on Entertainment Weekly last week. This is the couple that people wanted to happen for three seasons, and then got bored with when they got their way.

Let me interject with something here. This season, I watched all but one episode of the trainwreck reality show More To Love, also known lovingly as "Fat Bachelor". This show was more of less a bunch of very pretty, plus sized girls (who made it into the finals) and horrible, loud, inappropriate-clothes-wearing obese women (who were cut soon). All of them cried, and sobbed, and blamed their weight for A) Not going to prom, B) Not having friends, C) Not being able to ride a horse or jetski, D) The reason they never went on dates, E) The reason they will never find love.

The prize? A dude named Luke. Luke's an average looking, kind of boring big dude. However, he is the answer to their prayers, and similar to real life, Luke went on group dates with them, including staged proms (since supposedly bigger people aren't allowed into prom, if TV has taught me anything), and made out with almost all of the finalists.

Each episode was very similar. The formula was, "Show a lot of shots of the girls eating" "Show a girl crying about being overweight" "Sound-byte of Luke saying 'I may be in love with more than one of them!'" "ELIMINATION TIME."

The final two included the "trailer trash blonde girl Luke had a thing for since episode 1, with the huge rack" and the "Israeli mystery woman, who may not fit into Luke's lifestyle". Blonde girl - name already forgotten - was in it to win it. Israeli girl - Tali - may have even fooled me, since she was in it for "love".

He chose right. However, the last episode was a proposal episode, which is a huge mistake. Luke, my boy. If you are jonesing between two women, a marriage won't solve it. Dumbass. Dumbass show! But I digress. Him and Tali seemed genuinely happy together, and despite being turned off week after week, and losing any craving for pizza I may have had prior to, they sold it. I actually wish them luck, if they lasted more than a week post production.

Now, Jim and Pam? Yeah. That spark just isn't there any more for me. They've morphed into two really unlikable characters, kind of in a "us against the world" type deal. I used to kind of relate to Pam, and now I think she needs to shut her mouth half of the time. Complaining about money after getting a promotion and having your fiance get a promotion? Weddings are expensive. And I don't have a job at all, so... shut up, Pam!

Am I saying that Luke and Tali's relationship was more sincere? I mean, let's be honest, both are fictional. I... don't know, really. But at this point, I'd rather see their wedding than Jim and Pam's wedding. I actually re-watched the moment Jim proposed today (which probably made this entire issue blogworthy and fresh in my mind) and realized that ... that was probably the last moment where I liked them.

I'm still watching, but I'm not psyched about it. Like I said, it's just another Thursday.

The show I'm bummed about not seeing live is It's Always Sunny, and I thank the lord of Hulu for making this possible. Episode one was okay. Episode two was great. Episode three hasn't been watched yet by me, but probably will be tomorrow, if available.

So, I don't know. I know I'm ranting about television, but am I alone in not really caring anymore? Anyone actually really like The Office this season? Am I being too hard on it?

Prepare for a big wedding recap. And by big, I mean "there may be some bullet points, and I'll probably recap what's happening around me while I'm watching."

My Typical Day

2009-10-01T08:23:00.001-04:00

A promise fulfilled.

Cooked Comics

2009-09-25T22:14:00.004-04:00

My good friend Gina just launched her new website, and I told her this morning that I should pay her to make me a website. Then I realized, hey! I don't write enough as is. So, here are some things I promise to do.

1. I promise to visit Gina's site often, and encourage you to do the same.

2. I promise to write more in this, and eventually move to another domain.

3. I promise to be confused on how to work and update aforementioned domain, and cry about the "youth today" and "newfangled World Wide Webs!"

4. This already doomed website will include a cartoon written and illustrated by me. I mean, you all remember "Jimmy Goes To College", right? It was pretty much the best comic in the 2003 year of my college paper.

Yeah, I don't think my artwork has improved since then. And sadly, that was after 4 and a half years of private art school, y'all!

5. I still promise to do a video post. I tried one, based on a case of Sugar Free Red Bull I purchased, but let's face it. It would have been lame. Also, the microphone on my camera was momentarily broken. The purpose of said video would have been, "Hey! I drink a lot of Red Bull. This is problematic. Where is a hospital?"

So, right now I'm back in NJ for my sister's bachelorette party, which is tomorrow, in NYC. My sister has been amazing throughout the entire wedding procedure, and it's 1 of 3 reasons as to why my writing has stalled. Planning and helping is tough out of state, but we're doing good. The wedding should be fun. Since my sister gave me the proof of the "wedding song list", I can give you all a spoiler. The Electric Slide will, in no way, be played. Not the original, not the new version, or not a version a guest just created on the spot.

A few weeks ago, we had her bridal shower. I had to give some on-the-spot speeches (thanks, Broadcasting major!) and it was a sole reminder that I need to give a maid of honor speech. Any tips? Really. A glass of wine will help ease the tension I have always, but it'll also make me weepy during the speech. Yet, since my sister and I are mighty close as is, I'll probably be weepy regardless. I hope nobody who attends takes a video. But they may, based on how many people took pictures of the shower.

Last Friday was THE Friday. You know, the one I wrote about like, 4 months ago. David Cook concert. And, hey. I'll spare you the 100 pictures I took, and settle on one video. I mean, this is my blog, so I should feel privilaged to write about celebrity fantasy rock star crushes in great detail, but at the same time I want to keep my limited readership.

!!!! Okay, I have to say more. It was amazing. Despite the fact that the chairs were pretty much on top of each other, and despite me tripping over a row to get to my chair, and despite the fact that the dude next to me (who very obviously wanted to be... well, anywhere else) took up two chairs, it was an amazing show. I would definitely see him again. I'm not ashamed to admit that I felt as if my season 7 voting time (approximately 2.5 hours, season wide) was not time wasted.

Since I'm posting videos, I also want to post this. My friend Reed and his awesome wife are doing a project which I support 100% (and will support monetarily very soon), and here's a video explaining why you should do the same. Even getting an e-mail about this project made me realize how I should be far more creative than I have been recently (see aforementioned cartoon strip. Yes! It's terrible! But it was something!) (Also, this is when I should mention how "Jimmy Goes To College" was cancelled by me, after my college publication sabotaged it by printing it unreadably dark, and referring it to "Jimmy Gies To College") (Another sidenote, for people who didn't know me then. The purpose of the cartoon was to not be funny. You know. Like Family Circus for 2003.)

There was once a Sizzler at my (NJ) local mall, which has since closed down. But it's still part of my childhood, and I'm psyched about when this project is in full swing. If you have some change, and like Sizzler/photography/I'm Reed Fish/this blog/supporting art in general, I recommend this project.

This is a short entry, but believe me. I'll get better at this. Promise. (Really!)

Operation Impossible

2009-08-24T12:12:00.008-04:00

First off, this is the most hilarious thing you (or, I) will find on a Monday morning. Besides the fact that I had an knee-slappingly unfortunate purchase at Sheetz. It's a shame when you don't know if your ciabatta roll is A) moldy, or B) supposed to look that way. (FYI: I picked around it.)

I had the fortune of seeing many movies this weekend. Many being 4. Two on DVD, and two (yes, two!) in theaters. I'm exclaiming this because the last movie I had seen in theaters was Adventureland, with Movie-Buddy Jordan, and I was talking about it probably every day from then till now. And now, you can Netflix it. Before that was Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, which happened back when Michael Cera was a little less chastised for wearing hoodies/playing himself/being a jerk about not wanting to sign on board for the Arrested Development movie. So, it's been awhile.

Here's a recap of every movie in 5 long sentences or less, in the order which I saw them.

The Rage In Placid Lake. The first and last movie Ben Lee acted in. The premise is, Placid Lake is a weirdo (as most people are who have awkward non-human names in movies - cough cough, Napoleon Dynamite) who freaks out enough to be put in a body cast, and when he's removed from his coffin of cast, he wants to live a normal life. Yeah, that's the movie. Choppy editing, some good dialogue, but I almost forgot I watched it. However, the previews in the beginning of the DVD were laughably hysterical and foreign, so ... there's that. 3/5 stars

Inglourious Basterds. Hey, it's a Tarantino film that involves Nazis! I really liked this one - not as much as Pulp Fiction or Kill Bill - primarily since Tarantino's style in telling a story is awe inspiring. I admit, being the pansy I am, I had to shut my eyes through about 1/4th of it - since there is a lot of scalping (euugh!) and blood (baahh!) - but I expected it, since it's a Tarantino film and I did the same thing with the others I've seen. His characters make you feel something, whether it be fear, pity, or familiarity, which is refreshing. 4.5/5 stars

I Love You, Man. Now, I have heard nothing but positive about this movie, which make me a bit skeptical since expectations were set. And it was good, partially because I love everything Jason Segel does and everything he chooses to be. I laughed out loud maybe two or three times, and don't regret seeing it - especially since the plot (friendless, bumbly groom to be seeks wedding party to balance bride-to-be's 6 friends) was interesting, but it could have been more. Also, I still have no clue how I feel about Rashida Jones. 3.5/5 stars

And finally!

Post Grad. Well, I knew this movie wouldn't blow my mind away with its cinematic brilliance, but I have to admit that I could - and still can - relate to the premise. Brown haired blue eyed girl graduates with an English/Communication combo, and realizes she can't find employment anywhere, and has to move in with her wacky quirky family, which she didn't want to do at all!! Well, I think I'm reviewing this a bit harsher because I went through it, but this movie lacked emotion and likable characters, when it could have really dug deeper into the situation of being an unemployed or underemployed graduate. Oh, and spoiler! It sucked. 1.5/5 stars

There are still a bunch of movies I want to see, which is a good feeling.

Also, here's news. I'm actually a bit tan/burned. Which I didn't think would happen at all this summer. I saw a pool for the first time in about a year, and sat in direct sunlight for the first time in about 8 years. This being said, it's apparent as to how I forgot how to properly apply sunblock. (It was applied, Dad and Leigh! I did use it! Just not good enough!)

Also - yes! It's that time again. (permission granted to skip this whole paragraph) HATEBALL V. 3.0 Sunday was the draft, in which I chose a bunch of players with names that sounded cool and stats that I didn't understand, but looked good. It's the only time of the year where I embrace my severe goofy nerd insides, and pretend to enjoy football, which I don't know how to play. My team this year is called Hug Auctioneers (which isn't up to par with Euthanized Sprinkles of last year, but... some things need to pass, and we all need to move on) (Also, I wanted to use an Office reference from this past seas

on - this one was from "Crime Aid", which I liked very much) ... So, wish me luck! (please continue reading)

The other day, I stumbled across these.

Huh. What a weird concept. So naturally, I had to buy them.

And, well, I'd write something about it, but during my search for that picture, I realized that my ~~future boyfriend and husband~~ guy who I admire greatly who also gets giddy over weird things over at x-entertainment already found them. And, well, our opinions - as usual, in these ~~future relationships that were meant to be!~~ fan situations, are pretty similar. And I quote.

Looking at the snacks, I realize that it’d take a psychotically advanced mind to connect Operation to them without the clues provided by the box and foily wrappers. There are frogs, birds, bells, dogs — all stuff that ties into the board game, but not in any remarkably iconic way. Really, it’s the sort of inane assortment you’d expect from a generic brand of fruit snacks found at the comically ethnic closeout store on the wrong side of the tracks. Plus, from everything I’ve seen, the individual packets include too many yellows and nowhere near enough reds. I consider this a personal insult, and so should you.

And how! To prove the fact that I felt exactly the same about the overabundance of yellows, check out this real time gchat quote.

me: currently eating: Operation gummies
Out of 6 gummies, 4 are yellow
3:06 PM Greg: lucky?
me: Yellow is the worst. HOWEVER
They were quite tasty

And they were! But still, too much. I feel like whomever was responsible at the Operation Fruit Snack factory really dropped the ball on this one, ordering way too much yellow crap and far too little of the redeeming flavor: red.

Really. And I was also perplexed by the gummy mold selection. Smiley faces? Frogs? No. They're Operation gummies. I want to eat Water On The Knee. Case closed!

Next update: Video - I promise! Also, I will thoroughly detail the time where I killed a shark with a surfboard, and saved summer.

Reunion.

2009-07-29T13:55:00.005-04:00

Yeah, I haven't written in awhile. Deal with it!

(Thanks for staying on board.)

My hiatus was filled with some e-mails to old friends, filled with wanderlust and awkward philosophies I've grown to adopt based on the fact that I am very slowly losing my marbles. Also, I wanted to post a video, and it took a month for me to find my camera charger. But it was found! Score! (It was in a zippered pocket in my travelin' backpack. Which is ironic, since I thought I checked that backpack before. And that exact zippered pocket. So, I'd like to think that I slowly recreated it based on wishes and imagination. Note. I lost my marbles, remember?)

What brings my return is not just a number of pleads from Dan Kelly - whom I have forced to participate in the 2009 round of hateball despite his opposition/fear of losing (if anyone has some good team names, please post them! They need to be Office or Arrested Development related, as the gaming rules go. But I prefer Office, as I am more of a fan.) It was more or less this article, brought to me by my sister.

SAY WHAT?

Come on, guys! (In summary, the title is "Saved By The Bell Stars Screw Fallon for People Magazine") (Also, Screech is not included. Good!)

To summarize, in case you haven't been twitter friends with Jimmy (How dare you!) he's been trying to stage a Saved By The Bell reunion for some time now. Almost everyone seemed on board. It was a good thing. It was the small light in my dull life.

Now, I have not watched Jimmy's show, but I would if I could. Not only did he line my walls with adorable smirks in freshman year of college, I genuinely thought he was a good guy. Plus, I enjoyed the movie Fever Pitch, when I didn't think I would. My devotion to Saved By The Bell doesn't need to be rehashed. I watched every episode - even the Tori episodes, which barely counted - numerous times. I wanted to marry Zack Morris. And I wanted to change him, and have him ditch his life sized Kelly poster and horrible band, Zack Attack.

Regardless as to whether or not they make a Fallon appearance as well, this magazine definitely kills some of the anticipation I had regarding aforementioned reunion. Now I know what they look like now! Poor Jimmy is probably writing in his diary, wondering why he was cut out of the equation. And for that, I am sorely, sorely disappointed in the entire cast and crew, whether or not they were related to this or not. I'm looking at you, Ernie Sabella.

The "pro" of this downfall is the fact that Michael Jackson is only featured in the tiny square to the right. Yeah, I'm sure there's a full article in there, but I haven't bought tabloids in about a month due to the overcoverage of his death. I shake my fist full of newfound cash I've saved due to the cause at you, tabloids!

It's a travesty. Yes, that's what it is.

My sister did tell me that the Tiffani (Amber) Thiessen Funny or Die clip attached to that link was good, but from my first impression - albiet not watching it - she needs to put a shirt on. Sorry, Tiffani Amber. It had to be said. I'm a prude girl.

Hm. What else has happened since I last posted... here's a list.

1. I learned how to jump through hoops of fire.

2. I learned how to use a fire extinguisher. (see #1)

3. I have learned that facebook really annoys the shit out of me, to higher degrees than normal. I have also taken the "get off my lawn" approach to social networking. Thus,

4. I have aged.

5. I also like Werther's Originals*.

6. Thanks to the act of RSVPing, I've learned that all of my sister's fiance's friends and relatives are horribly nice and polite.

7. Thanks to the act of RSVPing, I've learned that people in New York and New Jersey don't like RSVPing.

Really, guys. We're planning fun and fancy things here. And my sister has been voted the Best Belz Sister - knocking me to an acceptable 2nd place - for five consecutive years in a row. Tell us if you're going to stuff!

(I know I'm not the best at this either, but I blame facebook - another reason for my hatred of it - for having a "maybe" option. Since I'm so unpredictable at all times, it's an easy out for me. "Yeah, maybe I'll be there." "Thank you for telling me about your event! There's a good chance I will go, and a good chance I won't. So it's pretty much the same result had you not sent me this -vite at all.")

8. I kind of learned that I need to keep a distance from people and situations, when they start to make me feel like crap. It's never intentional, and I'm overly sensitive... I know. It's just that in this town, so much stuff overlaps, and it's tough not to get sucked into the dramatic aspects of it. It's worked out well so far, but it's a slow process. Hopefully I'll have a clear mind and get everything straight. LOL. BFF4E. **

And, hooray. I'll write more later.

* They were always a choice candy. Now, even moreso.

** Otherwise I may have to hire a brain doctor. And the last one I went to prescribed me placebos, which I later identified as Mike & Ike's. NOT COOL.

We're Watching You.

2009-06-22T17:20:00.004-04:00

So, here's something to be weirded out by. Lancaster City is installing "security cameras" throughout town. This is a move that puts Lancaster on the map... in a poor way.

Pretty soon, Lancaster City will be one of the most - if not the most - guarded cities in the country. Which is hilarious, since most people don't even recognize Lancaster has a city to begin with.

This was a decision that - to the best of my knowledge - wasn't voted on. In fact, Lancasteronline.com, where I personally go for local news, doesn't even mention it. The story about my own neighborhood was found via Los Angeles Times, an entire side of the country away. What's Lancaster reporting on? How more people are brewing their coffee at homes these days. Thrilling news, you guys!

It's not even the local police who will be examining the streets. Oh, no. It's a completely different source. Their goal is to be able to "stop crime before/during when it happens". However, it has been proven that these methods don't work. Need more links to news stories about how they don't work? Here you go. So, if I leave to go grocery shopping, some stranger is 100% capable of figuring out when I leave and when I come back. Something I never really put much thought into... until right now.

All of this money is being put towards making the city "safer"... so why do I feel more paranoid about living here than I did before? Think of it this way. If I were stabbed to death on the street, the only thing that these cameras would do would be to give whoever was watching a great video that could end up on YouTube, or the news for my friends and families to see. I'd still be stabbed. The dude or chick who committed the crime would know fully aware that there was a camera present, so I think that they would do an even better job of hiding their identity. Great.

From what I've heard, my family would have no permission to keep this footage hidden. So, they could project the fictional attack out into space, for all I know. I don't know who would, but these are rights that I have absolutely no control over.

Throughout all my time in the city from college till now, I've had strangers A) yell obscenities and propositions at me from their car, B) Blatantly ask my coworkers for my work schedule, and C) Try and request my friendship on social networking sites/find me on social networking sites. And I'm not great, but I'm a local who doesn't hole herself into her living space. Who knows who will be behind those cameras?

I'll shut up, and point you in the direction of Greg's blog, which actually details the entire offense even more. His is far more factual, and not equivalent to a bunch of frown faces and exclamation points, like mine is. Also, he's attempting to do something about it, so three cheers to him. Hip hop hooray.

So, in summary... :( !

Good Cop Bad Cop

2009-06-14T13:01:00.005-04:00

Hey, it's Sunday, and I'm not awake at 4:30 PM due to over exhaustion and lack of sleep from the entire week! Hooray!

I need to jot down a dream, since it was vivid and alarming. Also, it involved me yelling at a cop, which I was proud of dream-me for.

Pretty much, it started off as me coming back to my apartment to see the door slightly opened. Peaking in, I see a guy in there, just stealing away. My master plan is to try and barricade him in from the outside. So nervously I see him trying to sneak out, when he sees me and makes a run for it.

I pretty much slam his head into the door, and do this repeatedly, before wussy kicking him. No, no. Although the doorslam was impressive for me, it was a move I'm 98% sure I stole from 2001's Josie and the Pussycats. My other fight skills were still pretty weak - but I did it!

Now, in reality, I was missing my phone for all of yesterday. Although I finally found it wedged in my bed sheets late last night, I was noticeably without phone in the dream -what I had was some emergency only device that looked like a baby monitor with buttons.

Unfortunately, "911 was busy", and I got a 911 voicemail. Around this time, D showed up and told me she'd watch the door, holding the criminal inside, while I found a police officer. So began my baby monitor-holding panic walk around Lancaster. So, that took some dream time. But it was a dream-nice day out. And then I found someone!

It was a young looking cop named Winston. He laughed at my problems and told me there was nothing he could do about it. "Isn't that your job? I have this guy trapped. What do you expect me to do?" "Karen, this is your biggest problem in life? Being robbed? You know, I have a job and a wife and kid, and I'm 22 years old." Dissed!

I come back to my apartment, defeated, and see D, Jordan, Conor, the robber ("Sean") and an official looking police officer jotting some notes down. The robber has his arms tied up behind him in a chair. So, all these people pretty much solved the problem while I was out with stupid Winston.

The robber revealed to stealing almost all of my personal hygiene products. Shampoo, conditioner, and stuff that makes my hair all curly and not frizzy. He said that was it. He told me Finn was still alive and well. Then I went into some sentimental speech about how I'm struggling to financially make it out here, and how he really chose the wrong household to rob. He seemed apologetic.

I went into the apartment - my products being held as "evidence" - and noticed he also took all of my clothes. And that was it.

I have had vivid dreams, but dreams where you remember specific names like that? Awkward! Needless to say, I know where a lot of it came from - mentally. Also, now I want to watch Josie and the Pussycats again and again. It's a good movie - shut up!

Last night, D had a b-day BBQ, and I regret not having pictures, but a major kudos to her/the party for the following:

1. Recreating Purple. The best sugary sugar-free drink in the world. To jog your memory...

Seriously. Me, Hitch, and D in a room together with this drink is just dangerous. And D making it again after me harassing her about it was great.

2. Having THREE kinds of veggie burgers, including the amazing Morning Star brand black bean burger. It was a fiesta 'o flavor. And on the grill, it's far better than in a microwave. Everyone should try these.

3. Everyone for being so calm with people writing on them with Sharpie marker. I gained a great tattoo of Hitch's face on my right arm, that I later had to parade around Sheetz when my need for late night coffee was too great. Nobody gave me a dirty look, that I know of. However, other partygoers served a far worse fate. Namely D, who pretty much got her whole arm graffitied in Belz/Hitch birthday wishes.

4. Geof Baum, for a really good hug. Thanks buddy!

Oh, what else rocks. Uh. Um. Yes.

Well, I caved into my nerd tendencies.
In September, I will be in section E. And on stage, there will be David Cook.

Yes, I have bought one ticket to see the guy live. But I just couldn't pass up the opportunity. Expect a billion videos and pictures that nobody cares about but me in September. I am legitimately psyched, and I haven't been psyched about anything in a long, long time.

I'm worried about 3 things. 1. The cougars. 2. The screamy girl fans (which may or may not include me, I don't know) 3. Passing out due to excitement or weather. Hopefully between then and now I will learn how to properly avoid these fatalities.

And with that said, I need to clean my apartment!

Cut backs.

2009-06-02T15:16:00.006-04:00

According to a commercial I just saw, Sims 3 came out today. Today! Where have I been!

(I started writing this entry on Tuesday and then gave up on it, so timewise, it's still accurate.)

Naturally, I discussed it with the one person who I know shares a soft spot in her heart for this pixellated time waster. My sister.

me: So. Sims 3 came out today.

Leigh: I KNOW

me: I am contemplating it.

Leigh: Danielle claims she can get me a MAC copy but... we'll see

It looks cool

me: Leigh, this has the potential of taking away my social life.

Leigh: Apparently you can go in between houses and downtown without separate load times and stuff

Me too!

me: Supposedly you can even customize the color of your Sim's hair roots.

Leigh: We can be isolates TOGETHER!

me: This is too much power that I want so badly!

"Leigh's wedding has been cancelled since she's playing Sims 3. But she technically recreated what it would have been like in the Sims."

Leigh: That would be amazing

I think that all my money will be spent on losing all my friends and making fake videogame friends who can buy me stuff. Shut up, it's totally healthy! I'm fine!

It may not be healthy that I usually try to make my Sims miserable, though.

Speaking of Leigh, I'm sure that many of you are unfortunately aware of the two contests we have that are ongoing. "Who is tallest" and "Who has the longer hair". I like to think the latter is why so much of who I choose to be involves not getting haircuts a lot. Also, I'm really cheap, and my salon of choice is in York, which is a drive.

However, I went since I haven't been in awhile (and since other people giving you a scalp massage = the best thing ever) and realized that even with a healthy trim, my hair is far longer than that of one Leigh. I texted her immediately to tell her, and included an "In yo face!"

Quite honestly, I don't really want to get it any longer than that, and I know my next cut will be the "contest defeat cut". Since yeah, I want to win, but I also don't want to be gross. I need to be on top of my game to impress all those dudes I haven't met yet. Also, it's common fact that I'm taller than Leigh, and her being my elder, the only height growth she has to see is down. (Sorry. My bones are still forming! Or according to some people, they were as of 6 months ago.)

So I went to NJ for a few days to not be here, and in turn successfully became the first person I know to lose their Turnpike toll ticket before reaching the next tollbooth.

Not really surprising.

What happened was, the toll rates changed. I had them memorized before but no - now they want to screw me out of more money I don't have in order to take the proper roads to see my family and homeland. The drive down was on an amazing day - so, I was in sunglasses will rolled down windows, to make the best of this year's"driver's tan".

I was mere yards (probably about 97.9 yards) away from the guy, and I held up the ticket, and... off it went. Having hope that it was in the backseat instead of out the window, I gave the tollbooth guy (who seemed very friendly) the story.

"Uh, I had my ticket. But I JUST lost it. It went somewhere. What's the maximum I have to pay for a lost ticket?"

"$24.60"

"Yikes. Uh. Um. I think I have that. I... Geez.."

"Take your time, look in the car."

"But what about the people behind me?"

"Eh, they'll wait."

In fear of causing inconvenience to others, I panic-searched for a full minute, before the guy told me he'd jot down my plate numbers, and have me pull over to look further. I was grateful.

So there I was, flashing my skirt covered ass to everyone going the other way, and pretty much swan diving in my backseat to search for this ticket amongst piles of garbage that I really should have thrown out sooner. Karma.

That having happened, I still didn't find it, and meagerly walked to the toll booth guy (who had to make sure that cars that weren't filled with ticket losing jackasses didn't hit me) in defeat, with 25 bucks that I'm thankful I had. Otherwise, who knows what would have happened. Orange coat parkway cleanup duty?

Here's something I did learn from it. If I had found my Turnpike ticket, I could mail this receipt the guy gave me (thus even further disrupting the normal flow of Turnpike traffic) to get a full refund!

Of course I didn't find my ticket, nor did my Dad. So, driving home cost - not including gas, coffee and Burger King Veggie Burger - about 30 bucks. Sigh. I'm never going home again!

That being said, it's one very special radio advisor's b-day today, so I must be running. Hope when you read this, it's not all rainy and gross like it has been here. Eugh.

Various Disgraces

2009-05-25T14:39:00.004-04:00

In honor of this being my 124th post, I plan to count down the 124 things that mean the most to me. In order. Counting down. Throughout this entry.

124. Aquariums.
123. Precious Moments figurines.
122. Re-assembling my keyboard.
121. The musical collection of Electric Six
120. Emoticons when you really mean them. :-) !

(mini break!)

On Saturday, my friend Chris's side band played at the lounge. Around 10:30ish, I head on out to brace the taunting 4 block walk up.

On the way there, I was seriously asked for money twice. Twice! The first was a girl who looked pretty haggard, asking for 25 cents to make an important phone call. I wanted to ask her if we morphed into 1993, when phone calls did cost 25 cents and phone booths were readily available. But these thoughts didn't leave my mind, and I just responded with a flustered "sorry". Since you always hear stories about getting mugged when you reach in your purse to do them a favor.

Turning the corner, a big dude, who was talking to a small guy (who I later met in the lounge, and asked if "I was the girl who was harrassed for money") asked me for "two dollars to pick me up."

Wait. So I'm only worth two dollars?

My response to this way even more inappropriate. I laughed. I laughed, and walked away. More because in my 1-ish years of living in PA, plus my 4-ish years of living here during college (subtract the 3-ish years when I didn't go into the city at all) I was never asked for money at all. Ever! I have been asked to do strangers for 2 dollars about 80 times, but never in such an odd fashion.

Having gained entry to the club and forking over a 5 dollar cover (which for Chris, I'll do, but for the comedian I didn't like very much, I wouldn't) this eventually happened:

It was a really good show, especially since earlier in the day, I saw a sick-looking Chris almost vomit on some new release CDs. What a champion. Really. The show still went on. If I were a real life musician, I'd probably freak out over a post show papercut. This is probably why I'm not a musician, or an employee at a stationary store.

In typical Sunday fashion, I slept way too late to make up for all the time during the week I didn't sleep, and then Greg and I went to explore and find new diners. The one we stumbled across was called Smoketown Diner. They had a great image of a nearly-spilled cup of coffee, which symbolized my experience there perfectly.

I'll continue this story after some more Top 124 Countdown.

119. Honey and jam sandwiches
118. Honey and jam sand"wishes"
117. When people try to make fun of my vegetarianism
116. Tigger from Winnie The Pooh, and his undiagnosed ADD problem
115. All scandals involving Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana

Break. Man, this list is seriously ruining my life.

The place looked like it was run in someone's downstairs house segment, so it was charming. The food and the waiter were less charming. But they had free cookies when you left, which helped its faulty charm levels.

Oh, also they left the coffee on the table. Automatic plus! Attention all aspiring restaurant owners: Do this. Being that I'm addicted and suffer from severe personality imbalances without proper caffeination, let me tell you that it's horrible when you need to flag down your waitstaff for more coffee. Plus, it's easier on your waitstaff. At least I assume.

Then - and this is legendary - I watched The Goonies for the first time ever. My friend Lisa, who I miss terribly, got me a copy for my birthday 2 years ago after severe disbelief that I've never seen it. It traveled its way to PA - still unopened - in hopes that I'd watch it. Original plans involved me watching it with Lisa, and even though it's upsetting that she wasn't there to share my immense delight over the Truffle Shuffle, maybe we can watch it when I'm back in NJ and I can pretend this all never happened.

But seriously, you guys. I've heard about Chunk and that Shuffle for years. And years. And years. And it only happens once, with no explanation? Why were those jerks so mean to Chunk? Because he was clumsy?

Well, let me tell you this. I'm also uncoordinated and drop stuff, and people have learned to accept it. Plus (spoiler alert!) him having problems made the story move forward. You stupid Goonies would have been killed or maimed if it wasn't for Chunk.

And yes, I do feel strongly about this!

Last night I also realized that Jay Bennett, formerly from Wilco, passed away in his sleep. He was in the midst of a lawsuit with Jeff Tweedy. I doubt Jeff will attend his funeral, even though I kind of wish he would. Then I remembered that I'm not involved at all, and there's probably 900% of the story I haven't heard about. But, in finding out, I think my heart stopped a bit. RIP, Jay. He was only 45. And quite honestly, I wish I could write more about it, but my friend Alan did a far better job with this in his blog, in his 5/25 entry.

So that leads to today, where I haven't done anything but write this entry and half-ass that list. Speaking of which, I need to probably wrap that up.

114 to 8. Varied things involving David Cook that only I care about. Also maybe some things involving pizza or something.
7. "Strange Currencies" by REM
6. Glen Hansard
5. Sugar Free Red Bull
4. Vitamin Water 10
3. Burger King Kids Club (kids and mascots)
2. Dinosaurs
1. My sense of pride, and the ability to move forward.

It's Just So Real.

2009-05-18T22:29:00.005-04:00

So, check this out, you guys. On Sunday, I slept for approximately 13.5 hours. I have no regrets! And stop judging me!

This makes up for the fact that I usually sleep 0 hours. See, despite clocking in 13.5 (and still getting to sleep "at a normal time" that night) I was still tired. Not in the "I might collapse soon and use food solely for energy and not for enjoyment, as I'm not even hungry" way like before, but still. What in the World!

I also had some weird dreams, which I still remember quite vividly, but I'm not going to share them since that's boring for everyone. They involved fire, and the afterlife, and this girl in high school who was a major whore but for some reason I was dream best friends with dream-her. Also, I had one of those dreams where I realized I was dreaming, and still I was too chicken shit to test the limits and jump off buildings/attempt to fly/shoot things with lasers I somehow dream-acquired. Someday I'll build up more confidence in my subconsciousness.

Today, I met up with some people to get tacos at DipCo. DipCo has "nights" for things, and supposedly Monday is taco night. Even better, they have vegetarian tacos, which were pretty great. This story really has no meaning or purpose, but that's what I did today, so I figured it was worth writing about in case sometime in the near future, I forget which night DipCo has a taco sale. Note to self: add tags to make this entry easily searchable

Brittany and I decided that each night should be attributed to something, with Thursday being "rest day" and Saturday being something that involves the arcade. This dream was killed in the beginning stages due to two reasons. 1) Kids are at arcades on Saturday. 2) Prizes just aren't what they used to be, and I don't want to spend 900 dollars to accumulate 600 tickets to buy a mug with Garfield on it.

Tuesday and Friday are usually dedicated to the lounge, which - I have to admit - has kind of become a tad bit predictable. Which is why I think I suddenly became fond of dancing like an uncoordinated white girl on Fridays. This past Friday was pretty great, as the lounge acquired a substantial amount of women 50+, who were shakin' it with no shame. We referred to them as cougars - to each other (not to their face, despite the fact that this term is hilarious to me and probably wouldn't offend them) - and danced with them. It was a good change of pace, and I think my fear of old people went down a few notches. Good night indeed.

Now, the reason why I feel as if the time I barely have ... needs to be dedicated to something, is because of... this.
MTV started this "real" "reality" show called College Life. And since I'm TV-less, the fact they have episodes online is an attractive deal for me. The premise is, they give some freshman some video cameras and they create their own show. Already, there are rumors going around that it's contrived (of course it is! It's MTV!) and they plant situations onto our poor young fawn for audience ratings. Yet, I think nobody else in the world watches this show but me. And I've only seen about 2 or 3 episodes.

When I have nothing to do, I find horrible things like that. It's why I watched that awful Confessions of a Real Teen show - I don't know, the one where that 16 year old was pregnant and it was all preachy ala "7th Heaven" - for the majority of season one. I know it's bad. I'm just bored, or at such a need for thoughtless entertainment.

I'm not really a fan of MTV. Despite being very, very well known for being the audience member with a red shirt on and glasses on one memorable moment of TRL, I never signed a contract to be loyal to the station at all. I mean, they wanted me to, based on how great that shirt was, and how my canned fake enthusiasm was probably the best in the world, but I never did. All this aside ... Really? Really, MTV?

Not only does College Life probably cost 10 dollars and a pizza to make, but it just lacks in creativity. And I have to give MTV props for, at one time, having creativity. I think we all remember that awesome Andrew WK advice show, Making the Video (which was interesting, except for that episode with Jimmy Fallon) Daria, Loveline, and as mentioned in prior entries, (and I have gotten a tad bit teary eyed at some of the more honest episodes of) True Life. Even MADE started out with good intentions - take a dorky girl who wants to be prom queen, and prove within an hour that dreams do come true.

I could hand anyone a video camera and tell them to talk about boys they think they have crushes on. That is College Life. And it's not like I had any hopes for anything better to come of it, but it's depressing when you actually have creativity and nothing to do with it.

So where's my show, MTV? I have plenty of ideas. You just never asked for them!

Some Song By Some Finn.

2009-05-13T12:28:00.004-04:00

You have no clue how difficult it is for me not to go on webMD, and diagnose myself with some kind of disease that I later learn only dudes have. I got a certain sense of familiarity when typing that last sentence just now. Most likely it's from - wait - every blog post ever.

But the truth of the matter is, I know what my illsnesses is this time. It's just exhaustion. Exhaustion that I try to cure with massive amounts of coffee and sugar free Red Bull during the daytime, which just make me anxious (but in such a delicious way!) which leads me to be too hard on myself/speak my mind out about things for once. This eventually leads to my spontaneous combustion. Which sounds fun, but believe me - it's not!

It is also, most likely, insomnia over the reformatting of The Shins. Marty Crandall, I talk about you in particular since I don;t know the names of anyone else in The Shins, but I'll miss you. Since now I have to learn the new people and stuff, and that is time consuming!

(Back to actual matters, yes, I have spontaneously combusted more than once. Putting the pieces of my being back together is a scientific process that quite frankly, will bore you. Just wait for the special. It should air on the Discovery Channel sometime next month.)

Anyway, some news. Uh. Two things.

Back in 2007ish, I had a job that had a lot of downtime. I try to not talk about that job a lot, since it sucked. But in attempts to "look busy", I typed. This was around the time when people read my blog more on myspace. And people were all like, "Oh Karen, you should write a book!" I know they only said that since they think that's what aspiring writers want to hear.

But I did. And then it sat around for awhile when I was too lazy to figure out how to make my own cover. Then I moved, and moved again, and broke about 7 computers in that time. Miraculously, the novel - in some version that wasn't totally horrible and wrongly formatted - survived via an e-mail.

It was originally called Cereal Killer. Then Latoya and I, at a riveting lunch outing in a NJ Perkins, were having a dscussion about music. I quoted a lyric, or something like that. She asked who it was by. "I dunno," I said, in between pancakes. "It's some song by some band." "That should be the name of a book."

So it was.

I expect none of you to buy it. It'd be cool if you did, but I'm not looking to gain fame/be taken seriously/make any kind of actual royalties on it. It was, more or less, the chance to have something tangible that I did. Something I completed. And yes, I linked it twice.

The content is pretty much kind of similar to my blog. But some of it touches on things that maybe people didn't know about me, or my upbringing. You know. In a non-snoozefest way.

The second thing is, I got a kitten. His name is Finn. He's pretty great, and here's a picture.

It seemed kind of out of the blue, but despite parts of my apartment now smelling like cat, he's a very welcomed addition. Him and I obviously seem to be bonding. Also, now I have an excuse for all those random scratches up and down my face! ... ....

Now, I will perfect the act of sleeping while sitting up.

Or something like that.

Total video blog filler post.

2009-05-03T19:59:00.005-04:00

A terrible and boring video post to make up for my lack of text posts.

Note to audience: I say "anyway" .. far, far too much. And kind of look like a tool in the paused screen capture, as seen below.

Enjoy? ... (Sidenote. I really do need a haircut.)

Poor Tuna.

2009-04-26T17:00:00.010-04:00

My current AIM status is "High School Musical sells their own brand of cucumbers." And they do! Here's proof:

(Yes, I bought them.)

(I swear I never saw any of the High School Musical installments. I just like cucumbers and they usually go bad since I never use a whole cucumber in anything, and my storage skills are probably a C+ at best.)

I admit, one of my character flaws is buying stuff since it's A) Hilarious to only me B) Kind of cute C) Inedible D) On sale, or E) All of the above. This is why I fall in love with products that don't last long, and why I contemplated for a good 10 minutes on buying that kid sized Hannah Montana winter hat a few months ago (it didn't fit my giant head.) I guess this flaw is a rarity, and the rest of the United States realized right off the bat that Faygo chocolate soda is only for ICP fans, who usually steal stuff anyway.

This flaw is also why I bought the smallest apples in the WORLD.

Seriously. That's like, two bites of apple. I think I might resort to juggling them instead, to properly make the most of them. Or maybe I can raise extra cash by holding an exhibit. That may require a permit though, and my free time is a rarity.

(Man, my hair is looking ratty.)

Anyway, my reason behind the post, is that... High School Musical is selling cucumbers? Seriously? What's next, HSM brand toilet paper? Do people really still buy things just since Zac Efron's injured fawn bangs on it?

I nearly bypassed the whole "cute famous teen boy" phase. In 5th grade, I had a huge crush on Matthew Perry due to Friends. First or second grade, yes. I liked Zack Morris on Saved By the Bell. Maybe around 3rd grade, I was kind of attracted to Kirk Fogg, the host of Legends of the Hidden Temple. I admit this. I probably shouldn't admit this. But would I buy a container of toothpaste since Kirk, donned in Temple clothes, was on the front? No, not really.

In elementary school, I remember my sister became a huge fan of New Kids on the Block. Being young and envying her to a high degree, I did the same thing. And as everyone in this generation/a witness to this generation knows, NKOTB shelled out a ton of useless shit. And we bought into it. We bought into all of it.

I had the bedsheets. The giant pins. The framed pictures. The giant pins that turned into framed pictures. And I think that I mentioned the Joey doll that I mistakenly defaced with a Sharpie. But when my sister told me how "New Kids burned down a building, since Donnie lit it on fire"? All that stuff vanished. It was like nothing ever happened. I think I was too young to realize what was going on, or if that story was even true. Bedsheets went back to normal, and the framed picture was replaced by a drawing of a cat that I remember my parents buying me in Cape May.

In middle school, the fandom recirculated, with the hormone-powered rivalry between the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync. And I don't know - I just didn't buy into it. And it wasn't really an age thing, since my friends were talking about getting BSB tattoos "when they were old enough", "to support their love for them". Or license plates, "when they could eventually drive" "to support their love for them." I heard the songs, and didn't mind them much... but my friends had walls plastered with pictures of Justin Timberlake. Or, they got into fights about who was cuter. Legitimate verbal fights.

I'm not saying that this was a stupid way to act, since it wasn't. It was normal. I was the weird one, with my isolating appreciation getting a copy of "The Bends" for my 16th birthday. But even then, even with their willingness to ink a Lance Bass tattoo above their ass that they'd in years grow to regret... I don't know if they'd stoop to the point of buying boyband produce. I mean, even the New Kids didn't do that. And reinstating the fact from before, they had everything.

I guess the plus side is, it's cucumbers. It's healthy. But who was the person behind this marketing ploy? Are cucumbers in any way related to High School Musical? I don't know!

On the opposite side, how does the dreamy Zac Efron feel to realize he can't even avoid his own image in a grocery store? What if Zac Efron doesn't even like cucumbers? WWZED?

You may think this is hypocritical, since I just mentioned that Hannah Montana hat (I never watch that either, I swear! It's too confusing!) which was also available at the grocery store. So let me add this.

I'm not against merchandise at all. For example, you probably don't know me/read this much if you haven't figured out I'm a fan of the US version of The Office. I watch it every week - multiple times thanks to the wunderkinds at Hulu. When I see someone passing with a Dunder Mifflin shirt, or something related, it's an automatic assumption that, hey - me and this stranger have something in common. This shirt, which is a loose reference that sometimes even fans totally forget about for good reason, is one of my favorites. And yes, I did participate in a fantasy football team based solely around The Office, with Office fans on an Office forum I post in - a lot.

A year or so ago, Target sold some $1 Office merchandise, like stress balls and mugs and magnets, and word poetry that is currently on my fridge/useless due to its failure to include anything other than "Office" related phrases. I saw it, and my first instinct was to purchase it. It was only a dollar. And I could always use... a notepad/mousepad with Rainn Wilson's face on it... ? I remember looking at the stuff on the register belt, and automatically figuring out what I'd do with everything other than the pens (write with them) and the mug (where I put the pens in.) And realized that if it was more than a dollar, I would have probably passed on it immediately.

That bag of shit stayed in my room for months. And months. And it only came out of the bag after moving to York, since I figured that since I had such little stuff, it was a start. But then I realized that 1) You get what you pay for, and 2) I still had no use for it. Target did similar things the next year, and I just avoided it completely.

And this being said - those items? They were all work-job-office related. They weren't a bag of oranges with Jim Halpert's face on them. If they started selling Jim Halpert "big tuna" tunafish sandwiches, I think it'd just be a poor way to catch an extra buck or two on something that was already universally known for what it was.

... Plus, what would Charlie Tuna say? He'd be out of a job. And he has poor eyesight as is. Glasses for fictional mascot cartoon fish don't grow out of trees, people.

Glo-tube.

2009-04-24T23:34:00.008-04:00

So I haven't posted in awhile, and a lot of stuff happened that has lead to me sleeping not so much/well, which lead to me getting physically ill yesterday while resorting to cold coffee and a sugar free Red Bull - which kept me mentally alert, but physically, I could have collapsed at any moment. Turns out I had a fever of (almost) 103! Insert all your references to Foreigner's "Hot Blooded" here.

It's weird, since I haven't been fever-sick in awhile. At least, I don't think I have. My thermometer is kind of broken, due to poor storage, so I had to use a sterilized friends thermometer. (The friend being sterilized, not the thermometer. LOL, sorry Greg! Blame the fever on this false bash!)

So today I spent the day sleeping, finally watching my Netflix movie of Swingers (which I haven't seen before, despite an unexplained fondness of Vince Vaughn) and watching Gilmore Girls - that last part being quite similar to a typical well-day. I think it was good for my head.

(Here's your Swingers review. It was good. More of a guy film. Probably better appreciated in its year of release. Did not bore me to tears. Made me even more nostalgic for the mid 90s. Made me reconsider every dude I've ever met until I realized it was a guy film made in the mid 90s. Movin' along!)

I do need to pace things better, otherwise this crash will be a weekly thing. Which I do not want. Despite my fondness of these totally hip, teenage-appropriate sweatpants I bought randomly the other day based on the fact that I just had one pair of "gym pants", and couldn't go to the gym the other day solely since aforementioned "gym pants" had been wedged against a damp towel from the day before. It was a sad and endorphin-less morning.

Yeah, I swear. I don't know what happened to me either.

So, to make up for total lack of content, I'll end with something a few of you - the ones who actually signed up for a youtube account, may be familiar with. It's the "videos recommended to you" segment of the main page. Pretty much, they sum up your searches and tell you what you think you'd enjoy.

Now, this briefly changes up a bit with time. But you think - with all the youtube videos in the world - my "see all" selection would be far greater.

That may have come up a bit fuzzy. Click for its true potential! Blame computers! But yes - the only things I get are the Glo-Worms musical - which I'm sorry to say exists - and the Hungry Hungry Hippos commercial. Since I enjoy nothing more than watching hippos eat plastic marbles. Really.

I've been a member of youtube for awhile now, plaguing the internet with my poorly made videos of me talking into a camera about stuff nobody cares about. But this is the best they know me? That video on the bottom left is a one star video called "Drug Bust". Really? One star? Recommended? Come on, internet. I have class.

Youtube in itself is a dangerous creation. I mean, think about that entire last post I posted. Part of my childhood is put into a time capsule due to the site. But for every early 90's toy commercial, you get some weird girl trying to dance in front of a mirror to some song that is horrible, hoping for comments that will boost her poor self esteem. It makes me want to actually watch "Drug Bust" and see why, exactly, this video has been recommended towards me.

Upon refresh, they also recommend a David Archuleta video. Which is a TOTAL SLAP IN THE FACE to a David Cook fan. Which youtube is good for, for *cough*.

I'm curious/scared to see what other people are "recommended".

But I should get to sleep and make sure this fever doesn't return.

Love Is Magic!

2009-04-09T15:18:00.006-04:00

If someone were to do psychological testing on me, I think they'd lose their mind. Somehow I get from Point A to 80's and 90's nostalgia in the span of mere seconds. Here's a real actual conversation I had with D for proof, edited solely to protect the screen names and companies of people who want nothing to do with my banter.

Karen: "I was so totally going to text you the other day. (boss) has me working on getting quotes to redesign (company's)'s website..and this guy came in to meet with me, and he TOTALLY looked like Michael Cera. But older. I was going to be like, "I have this friend who would probably think you are cute." haha. All the good/awkward parts of Michael Cera without feeling bad because he's so young. This guy had to be early/mid 20's. "
D: haha oh wow
Karen: I need to find him and date him and marry him ASAP
Karen: I don't even care if we have clashing personalities.
D: hahaha
D: What if he's a wife beater?
Karen: I'll try to get him to take his aggression out in other ways, like cooking.
D: Interesting.
D: Like the Swedish chef and just chop the shit out of lettuce
Karen: Yeah, I think of a bullshit excuse for everything, really.
Karen: YES
Karen: And that Chef got his own cereal because of it.
D: wha?!
Karen: "Croonchy Stars"
Karen: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cr%C3%B6onchy_Stars
D: Oh my god that is fucking amazing
Karen: I remember the commercial, too
D: They need to recontinue all the crazy cereal like that.
D: You do? you were like 4 years old!

I was. And do. Anyway, I was about to head to the gym, and then I realized I was far too nostalgic and could have hurt myself. So instead, here are some memories.

First, the commercial in question.

My favorite part has to be the Swedish Chef's human hands! I'd go into detail on this, but I know for a fact that some blog I did or had once already went into detail on that, since I am Karen and only talk about like, 3 things. One being vintage cereal. The other being fake Swedish chefs. The third, Captain Planet, which is sadly not relevant in this post.

Now, part of the reason I am uber familiar with this commercial is that we taped television a lot in the household. Somewhere, floating around the family house, is a taped episode of when the Beach Boys were on Full House. This commercial, I think, was on a tape of the Care Bears movie.

On that tape was also this commercial, including the most pointless stuffed animal I was ever obsessed with.

Oh yes. Meet the Purr Tenders indeed. Now, here was the point of the stuffed animal. It's a cat, with a poorly created costume that looks like another animal. Kids are supposed to purrtend that they don't know otherwise. When they give their brand new "pet bunny" a big 'ol hug, something sounding like a dying car goes off. Oh wait, that's the purr. This stuffed animal was bound to dupe about 4 children in the past, so that's probably why it was taken off the market. Children who wanted ducks ended up with cats.

I had all of them but one. My reasons being A) I thought the cartoon cats in the commercial were totally adorable. B) I wanted to be a cat when I grew up. Yet, random fact! C) I was horribly afraid of cats when I was growing up. Way to go, me. Fearing something I aspired to one day become.

Truth be told, with the amount of feline AIDS cases out there, I'm glad that I was never a cat. Also, I'm glad my PurrTenders are safely stashed in the dusty and spider filled attic in NJ, to avoid spreading this problem even further.

This leads to a few more "Surprise!" toys. I had/cherished two of these:

Love is magic, you guys!

So, you put the ID in water, and a cloud of poison comes out, and it reveals if it's a girl or boy. Also, that ID turns into clothes. Scientific, I must say.

Here are the unfun parts. 1. After the big reveal... now what? Yeah, it's just a doll. So on a scale from 1 (minimal fun) to 10 (maximum fun), It goes immediately from a 10 to a 4. Immediately!

Another unfun part. You can skip that whole ID step and just rip off the doll's cap. Which I did for the second one, due to impatience. I had two girls. Later on, I cut their hair and one turned into a drug addicted gymnast. I was what - 8? 9? It was during the time when I totally was fascinated by Dominique Moceanu, to cover up my total lack of coordination.

Along that whole "surprise" toy era... who can forget.

There could be 3, 4, or 5! But there's probably 3.

I never owned a Puppy Surprise, based on the fact that I feared them not getting along with the Purr Tenders once the secret was out, and the fact that even as a kid, I felt weird yanking puppy babies out of a fugly Mom dog. Invasion of privacy. Totally.

Also, my neighbor had one. I saw her stuff the puppies in, and pretend to have it give birth. And that's ... all it did, really. We may have stuffed a Barbie in there once.

Again, a toy that rocks the fun level 10 seconds after you open it.

Here's a toy that says exactly what it does in the name, but the theme song is just so thrilling.

Skip-It was the best. It promoted exercise, fun times, tiny ankles, and it counted rotations! That is, until the counter breaks.

I actually remember hearing about Skip-It fights breaking out. One girl was trying to never clear her "counter", and had a friend (not me) come over and accidentally reset it. If anyone was ever going to die by Skip-It, it would have been then and there.

I was terrified, to be honest.

Okay, I never had a Crossfire since I'm not a dude, but I remember the commercial and the song still gets stuck in my head sometimes. CROSS-FIYYAHH!

Watching it now, I realize that I have no clue what the hell is going on here. How do you play? Anyone? Crickets?

Now, here was a toy that probably made me never want to bring boys to/leave the house ever. That little guy is so badass. That girl had it coming, though. She never should have yelled at that dog!

Seriously? This commercial terrified me. Here's another fact about my childhood: Know how I'm totally naive and gullible now? I was that, times a billion, when I was a kid. I was scared of everything. Constantly nervous. And of course, totally not confident.

So when a toy like this advertises that it can wreck your life, I believe it. I think they made the "TalkGirl" later for total comeback, but I think it was a big fail. Or, at least, I'd like to pretend it was.

I owned about three of them, one of them being the white magnetic cat featured. Huge waste of money. Also, they're so little that it is very possible that you could eat one. Wait, did I say eat? I mean choke. Uh. I mean misplace.

I think I lost my Littlest Pet magnet about 2 days after buying it. And when you don't have all the fun crap featured, like the house, or... more than three of them, it gets old and fast.

I've plagued your minds enough for today.

Elliptical All Stars

2009-04-07T16:22:00.009-04:00

Hey, I almost forgot I had a blog. Oh well. At least I update more than Dan Kelly. What a jerk, who sucks at pointless internet football traditions!

me: I'm about to slam you in my blog
Dan: oh!
i wrote a blog last night
did you see?
me: No!
Dan: yes!
I promised I would
me: Damn it! That was my reason for the slam.

Man! Even he wrote something the other day. I must really be behind. (Even though it gave me a good opportunity to use the word "slam", which I relate to "Grand Slam" breakfasts at Denny's and "slambooks" that I used to trade with my old ~~predators~~ pen pals back when that was a hobby I had.

I guess the good thing about not writing is that I've been productive with things. Here are some of those things.

1. Hanging out with friends. Yes, I've been doing this more. I think it's been pretty okay. In these hangouts, I've been networking with people and going and getting my dance floor moves on - simultaneously! I'm a dorky dancer, but when you dance with other dorky dancers, it makes the aspect of dancing fun.

2. Applying places! Every application filled out removes approximately 3.5% of my soul, but it also makes me feel better. Plus, it gives me something good to talk about when my Dad gives me the daily interrogation of how job hunting is going.

I imagine deer hunting is very similar to job hunting. That explains why I bought that bow and arrow, and why most of my prospective employers are still alive. (I have bad aim, so says archery class.)

3. Talking about shooting more videos! It sucks, since I want to write more sketches but don't want to get too ahead of myself. I should start working more on full lengths that do not star me and my busy friends.

I'm actually amazed by how well received that "Unemployment" dealy was. Last Friday, 3 people came up to me to talk about it. I felt really famous, and it all went to my head, so that is also why I haven't written recently. You'd do the same, if you were totally offered a gig as a last minute replacement on the Carson Daly show*.

4. This thing I'm helping with! As a volunteer, I get to help out lost Lancaster visitors who like music and may have good hair. Also, I get to wear an orange shirt, and a badge with my name on it. But the real reason I'm helping out, is since I will always be a buddy to CI and the people who work there.

Unless it means I need to assemble a skateboard again. It figures, that on one of my last days working there in 2006, some old woman wants me to assemble a board. And when I saw her a few days later, I seriously thought she was going to say that her grandson was in a horrible accident due to my lack of skill. But that's what you'd think too, if she approaches you with "You're the girl who assembled my grandson's skateboard the other day, and."

Anyway, as for Launch, I totally recommend you all go. It's a big thing for Lancaster, and the price is awesome. Especially if you have a student ID. Let me know if you need any more info on this rock fest of rock.

5. The gym! Wait, really? Yes! I've been going a lot more than before, and - brace yourself - I enjoy it? I don't know. I finally remember what "exercise high" feels like, and I've reached a point where nothing on me hurts anymore. I'm far more motivated and non-dead than I thought I'd be. So I guess that in itself is a personal win.

York's facilities were nicer and newer, but Lancaster has a rower, so Lancaster wins. And I have to say, despite being a "no judgment zone", I release all of my judgment when I'm safely back in my car. Such as ...

The other day, i was on the elliptical next to a girl. Midway through, she started giving herself a pep talk while on the machine. And then the pep talk turned into "Pain is gain.. Pain is.. OW... shit.. ow! ... shit!"

Judgment time! I actually wanted to be like "Dude, you're doing great! Don't overdo it! You'll regret it tomorrow!" but then I realized that if someone did that to me, I'd be mildly offended. She was old enough to get a gym membership, so she should exercise how she wants.

I still worry, though.

Today, my ex-college had a job expo. I went, and it was pretty much packed with people wearing nice clothes. I got a little panicky, which probably goes along with the anxiety and the claustrophobia. I talked to a table and got an interview, which is exciting. But I'm not talking it up, since that's how dreams get destroyed.

This being said, the best part of the expo was finding Jordan and hearing him rant about the expo. I hope he writes about it. The rant was pretty epic and hilarious. Also, for the record, I have no clue what Expo 86 is. I just hope it's not linked to hate crimes, since that was not the intended messages! Not at all!

(Okay, I stopped being so lazy and looked it up. It was Canada's second run at hosting a World Fair, dealt with transportation and communication, and it's also a song by Death Cab for Cutie. That last one I knew.)

I also got lunch with him and D, and now I wish I had more of a veggie burger wrap and coffee. One of these can be accomplished for dinner, but since I don't have a coffee maker/broke about 5 coffee makers in my life including my last one/make a terrible cup of coffee anyway/also recently broke a coffee pot at Turkey Hill, it may be... drive through Dunkin' Donuts? I don't know. The drive through is so impersonal, just how I like it.

I'll leave on this note. I've recently re-discovered Ok Go. I always really liked them, and saw them/met them while waiting in line for the Phantom Planet Meet & Greet. Dan fetched me a free bottle of water since it was hot outside, and somewhere, I still have that sticker picture of Tim Norwind eating a sandwich. Somewhere.

Anyway, I brought up the "table tennis" video to someone (or multiple people) recently. It was a video they made in 2002, right around the debut of their first CD. And when I went to rewatch it, I re-stumbled across the famous treadmill video for "Here It Goes Again". And my lucky stars. I want to have friends who do stuff like this. Or, I want to learn how to dance on a treadmill. Most likely, both.

Also, Damian Kulash is very attractive.

Here's the video.

* This did not happen but may someday. Keep your TRL fanatic, Carson Daly manorexic loving fingers crossed, y'all!

Twister (the game.)

2009-03-29T16:42:00.007-04:00

Supposedly there's a tornado watch. I looked outside, and saw the sky was kind of black. What a shame, too. I was 5 minutes away from officially declaring this the "Nicest Day Ever 2009". Looks like I need to toss those gold medals I spent all morning engraving!

Weather.Com told me that they advise not standing by a window, and told me that I should hide in a closet being covered by blankets. Boring! I did that yesterday.

There was one episode of Saved By the Bell where they had an earthquake scare. All of the students beside Tori (The poor man's Jo, from the Facts of Life) knew exactly what to do. Hide under chairs! Yeah, that's the answer! Your school desk will save you. Especially if it opens up, like in fictional grade school, and there's a sandwich inside.

(Our schools didn't have a very impressive budget, so one year I had a desk that didn't even have a pencil groove. It was a sad and miserable year. So I know of no fancy desks. And everything I haven't seen is myth. Besides dinosaurs.)

Anyway, I would like to take the time to flip off all of my schools for not telling me what to do if a tornado OR an earthquake hit. Yeah, I'm lumping them both in here, since I think Lancaster had an earthquake happen a few months ago. I was in NJ, but if I wasn't? Oh, the terror.

Live blogging! The tornado just started. However, I just realized that my apartment is COVERED with windows. You know, I would consider hiding out in my basement, but the upstairs neighbors may have already claimed it as their own. Since I'm on the first floor, which Weather.Com said is better, I'll give them the satisfaction of the moldy basement. They better just not be hiding in my washer and dryer. (I hear something happening down there. Maybe they're having a tornado party. I would check, but I fail to have the necessary offering of Fritos.)

If you don't hear from me after this, everything I carefully illustrated in the picture above came true. Except those aren't the clothes I'm wearing. I'm wearing a shirt with a picture of a taco on it, and I figured that in such pressing tornado times, my MSPaint skills would do this taco no justice.

ETA: The rain stopped. Is that it? ... Seriously? Even I could create a better tornado than that, out of construction paper and a sound effects CD. Mega lame! Oh well. I guess the best news is, I can go back to standing by my windows again.

Musical Meltdown.

2009-03-24T09:38:00.008-04:00

I guess my keyboard collapsed last night? So, scientific experiment results: A keyboard can not stay steady for more than 2 months by being held together by cheap wooden chopsticks. I was laughed at when chopsticks were added into the equation, but they did the trick for some time. If I were playing a show, trust me. I would have invested in plastic chopsticks, at least.

I think I heard the crash in the middle of the night, but since I was actually sleeping well, I think I must have thought it was people outside or the people upstairs. I also thought I heard my doorbell sometime around 7:45 AM, so maybe it was then, and people were worried and thought I had collapsed. But probably not, since I still think they don't like me.

On the plus side of the morning, despite sleeping fantastically, my morning hair oddly resembles that of Zooey Deschanel, which is the only thing I ever, ever wanted in this life. Like, all of a sudden I have bangs, and my hair is oddly wavy and luxurious. Washing it will be a necessary mistake.

Anyway. First, I'd like to thank everyone for being supportive of the Unemployment video. I know it's mighty long, so it's quite easy to not watch. But I had put it on facebook and it's gotten many "likes", which I think is the facebook equivalent to a kudos, or a thumbs up. It's definitely the opposite of the following: slaps in the face, apartment arson, and verbal harassment.

I guess since the world itself has been pretty depressed over the recession - me included, of course - my goal was to make light of the situation. Bad things happen. We've all seemed to recover in some form or another. Hopefully.

Anyway, despite being shot on a digital camera and edited in that free program that Windows gives you that doesn't allow multiple audio overlays, we spent a lot of goofy time on it. I give props to Greg, Hitch, and D who had no choice but to help, being that I wrote them in and sent them texts saying that our friendships depended on it. And they so totally did. Especially Hitch, since that kid and I borderline ~~hate each other. He almost impaled me~~ love each other. He almost hugged me after that Oregon Trail scene.

I wrote it in about 40 minutes, which didn't seem like much to me. Some was improv, which seems to work. Here are some "behind the scenes" notes you probably will not care about.

A) Hitch's "5 Words - Maury Povich While Drinking" line was technically a mistake on his part, when he forgot the last word of "heavily". But it made it what it was.

B) I screwed up the most, and "Jimmy Falloned" the most.
C) The origami dogs were made right before that scene was filmed - out of my resume. (I printed about 40 copies of it. 2 could have been sacrificed for ironic purposes.)

D) There was an actual pause of silence after I sang in the bathroom. It was that harmful to the health of my co-stars. And for the record, I don't sing great, but I don't sing that bad. I do dance that bad, though.

E) D was the only one smart enough to print out a script. Hitch read the script for the first time minutes before filming began. He agreed to do it before knowing anything about it, really.

F) 3 out of 4 of us filmed this mid-illness recovery. That explains a lot, actually.

G) Immediately after filming, Hitch left to play guitar for a hardcore show in which he didn't know any of the songs. He is so Hollywood right now.

H) Alphabetized lists are great.

I) The next script has already been written. Full participation is likely. The film does not star Charles Grodin, as he hasn't returned my calls.

(Wow, after an image search, I realized that Charles Grodin hasn't really aged well. I miss the days when he was in Beethoven, and Beethoven's 2nd. He was far more capable of chasing around St. Bernards. And St. Bernard puppies!) (!!)

Sidenote: I wonder what Charles thinks of all those shitty Beethoven sequels. Does he really believe that the Newton family would just give away the dog that they for some reason risked their lives to save? Poor writing, you guys. Also, I just was demoted 2 cool points for remember off hand - and not through imdb, that they were the Newton family. Oh yes. These facts we retain.

The aforementioned illness was one that made my cold and empty heart remember - once again - the importance of family. It was a weird end-of-the-week, and I knew I was getting terrible cold symptoms beyond that. I literally couldn't get out of bed until 2 PM. I was just kind of huddled, with random bits of coughing and sneezing.

My Dad was quite concerned, offering to drive up from NJ with orange juice, and/or drive me to the hospital. The hospital is about 2 blocks away from my apartment. It was sweet.

However, I think my Dad thought it was far worse than it was, since I managed to go out on Saturday and have a great time. I got dinner and drinks with Jacy at DipCo, and the chance to have real conversations shouted over the music of a local guitar player named Angelo. Then, we watched an episode of Flight of the Conchords and head over to the Tally Ho, which I think has started to welcome more straight people than gay people, which makes me feel kind of guilty for entering with a reversed sexual preference than they had hoped. But, I caught up with some friends, and managed to pretty soberly trip outside, luckily witnessed only by Eric.

And he wrote off this event, since I think he's seen me walk and knock into things before. Also, I had heels on. Instant save!

Eric told me there may be some openings at his place of employment. And to mention him on the application, if applicable. This is good news, and I thank him for it. The only problem is that Eric - who reads this sporadically - I will need your last name and job title, just so I don't look like a total jerk. "I know Eric! Yeah, Eric! Eric... F!" Which is what you're in my phone as.

This information, I know, was given to me at some point, but I know it has a lot of letters in it. I promise you. Once this information is received, I will never make this mistake again, ever!

So, again, thank you all for the video support. It made me feel mega popular, which I have never felt before. Tonight I think an outing is planned, which is good for my spirits. Today I also plan on checking out the things I said I would two paragraphs up, stopping at Dunkin Donuts drive in, and.. fixing my keyboard? Eh.

Unemployment.

2009-03-23T03:16:00.002-04:00

I wrote and edited this thing.

Prepare for your life to totally change based on it.

It's 3 AM. I should get to sleep. Or write a song about it, like Rob Thomas.

---

UPDATE! I didn't sleep at all. But here are the outtakes.

Stuffed Robots.

2009-03-15T17:47:00.007-04:00

First thing's first. As promised, here is the picture of my Dad's moustache as of two days ago. Again, let me give a disclaimer that I've never known this man without a moustache, and the side growth is totally as of December 2008. So for nearly all of my 25 years, this is the first change besides color.Second. Supposedly I'm spelling "moustache" wrong. Which is a mistake that I have made for nearly all of my 25 years. Let me consult a web dictionary. I mean, I know I write "omelette" instead of "omelet" and "grey" instead of "gray", so maybe this is another loophole.

Ok. I'm in the clear.

Third. So, NJ was a wild trip. I finally got to reunite with my favorite Leigh, as we took a roadtrip to the mall to try on dresses for her wedding. She's got hers all lined up. I'm the issue, and the holdup, as you can see in her wedding planner. "Order bridesmaid dresses" was the sole thing she had yet to cross off.

(Please also note the Crobots book in the background. Crochet robots! They're crobots! Ahhh, crafts!) (I will discuss the Crobots in more detail and less e-yelling later.)

So, here's the deal. I'm under a ton of pressure here. I am the sole bridesmaid. I admire Leigh's decision to have a smaller wedding, and I plan on doing the same when the time comes around, but my dress is suddenly a tad bit more important. "Make sure she's the second prettiest one there that day," my Dad ordered as we left the house. I told him I strived for fourth prettiest. Kind of like when you tell yourself in school that you'll get an F on a paper, since suddenly anything more than an F is stellar and uplifting, and an F itself is "I figured."

But the dilemma is this. If my dress is too whorish, people will know I was the one to pick it out. It's not like a "we're all in these poor wedding choices together!" sisterhood between 'maids, with hilarious stories and really awful visits to Vladi on Main Street. Oh, I'm not bringing up the past. Oh no.

On the other hand, if my dress is too: Casual, Fancy, Bright, Bland, Literally on fire, all signs point to this being my fault. On the bridal hand, I wanted something Leigh was happy with/didn't want to vomit over, and she wanted something I was comfortable in/didn't want to vomit over.

We discussed the concept of green. Now, green is my favorite color. Kermit The Frog should be fucking happy, instead of emo about it. The wrong green is terrible, the right green is pretty awesome. But this green dress? Made me feel like I was part of an Astronaut Jones sketch. Laughing, I told my sister (who thought it looked good. The top part at least.) and did space gun motions, and talked about collecting rocks.

Then I regretted not purchasing that dress, because I want to do that more. Just for fun around my apartment. It'd totally be worth the 200 dollars or so. Then, the Astronaut Jones song got stuck in my head the car ride back. It's a fun song. I sing it like, all day, every day. But never in the car, so that's why this was unusual for me.

I ended up finding the weirdest dress which I kind of like a lot. It's a bright blue one-strapped dress, and I have pictures of me in it, but I already cluttered this entry with giant pictures and have a feeling that sometime this week I'll run out of new things to talk about and resort back to this dress story. It's in the background to the blurry picture above somewhere.

But! That's all done with. And also, I got mad discounts.

Onto the Crobots. I learned that my sister received this book at work to... crochet your own robot. Besides my lack of crochet skills, my love of robots overpowered this, and my intrigue perked. After dinner, her and I went to the craft store. While she was being productive, I got myself lost in the easter section of $1.00 fake plastic grass and $1.00 Jonas Brothers/Miley Cyrus notebooks. While she bought the yarn and the needles and the important things, I made my way out of the store with 2 sets of "grow bigger" dinosaurs, which take up to 10 days to expand into monsters!

(If my art teacher, who I took private lessons from for about 5 years in oil painting, pastel/oil pastel, charcoal, and sculpture found out that I went to an art store and emerged solely with dinosaurs, I think she'd probably be very upset.)

Sadly, Leigh did not leave NJ with a full Crobot. Supposedly crobots are majorly difficult to make. While I watched her actually try to do something challenging, I made bracelets and caught up on Demetri Martin's show, which really is quite hit or miss. But fun night indeed. And maybe there will be a crobots future. Maybe!

So, more good news. It looks like UC things are going to pan out, as far as right now goes (I got a handwritten reply/copy verifying all of my correct information, which I stuffed in an envelope on Monday, and didn't get any kind of "RE-DENIED!" statement in the mailbox. So, fingers crossed, but I'm optimistic.) Also, I printed out around 900000 copies of my tricked out resume, to mail to people who may want me to be around them for the majority of the weekday. Again, if y'all know of anything, let me know. Past employers have said I'm quite tall and charming.

Also, I updated the poll, which is now under my Twitter thing. It's a real heavy issue.

And, since I'm cold and need to get food, I'm going to close out this entry with a link to Jordan's blog. Him and Conor made two new video shorts which I enjoyed, thus you might too.

Seussology.

2009-03-08T11:58:00.008-04:00

Ugh, daylight savings time. Now there's a concept that needs to go away. Partially since after 25 years, and (for the most part) not being an idiot, I still don't really understand it. Even wikipedia - which has bailed me out of many situations in the past - just tells me the obvious. Anyway. All I can say is that it should be 11 AM and it's 12, and it makes me look lazy despite going to sleep around 4:30 (er - 5:30 AM).

But I didn't really sleep. There were these odd reggae songs illuminating from some area around me, for about 1 hour. After 30 minutes, I look and see that someone's car is parked right outside my window, with music blasting. I seriously considered throwing eggs at the car, until I realized A) This may result in accidents involving me being shot, B) I only have liquid egg whites in a container, C) I have a weak throwing arm, D) It'd be nice to make a breakfast burrito later. Then for a minute, I wondered if I had totally cracked, since throwing eggs really isn't in my character, but it was seriously the first thing I thought of. Then I remembered that I watched Grosse Pointe Blank that night, and maybe John Cusack killing people without care filled my empty heart with "badass".

Anyway. I went to sleep eventually, and had a ton of weird dreams. One involved me getting into a yelling match with a past coworker from long ago, regarding the ridiculousness of keeping fliers and informational pamphlets in my kitchen sink, for distribution. Her and I had a weird love/hate relationship.

"But ______, that makes no sense. People are pulling them out of the sink. They should probably be on the countertop with the other flyers."

"I don't like your attitude, Karen. THIS IS HOW WE'RE DOING IT."

"YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU. I FUCKING HATE YOU." And then my sister got involved, and there were some choice words. (Go Dream Team Belz!) In that same dream, in the same kitchen, relatives were questioning where my wedding was going to be. I said Harrisburg, and then realized I had no clue where my wedding was. I was getting married? Oh, dreams. In the words of Michael Stipe, they complicate my life.

My Mom was in the dream too, which happens sometimes (some which I acknowledge her death, and others in which I don't) but I think happened since today is her birthday. It's a day that kind of lingers in the mind of all of us... where we don't really openly ask if everything and everyone is okay, but we all just ... know.

A few months after it happened, on this day, I fainted at the vet, which is a funny story to tell, but I usually just blame it all on low blood sugar (which the hospital tested me for, and indeed I did have) but... the two, I know, are related. So today I think I may just lay low. And call my sister.

So that aside, let's fondly remember the woman who dealt with the annoyance of giving birth to me 2 months early, and had to put up with me for years after. I was a weird kid.

I'd like to throw in the towel with getting Pete Yorn to be my BFF on Twitter. I actually had the guts to "@reply" to him, since I figured with that personalized and sensual note from earlier, as well as his lower fanbase, maybe I had the chance to get the recognition I thought I deserved. Maybe he could be like "Karen, I forgive you for totally forgetting the time I played at Vintage Vinyl, which is ten minutes away by car, for free because you were watching some stupid MTV marathon." But, no.

I asked him about some U2 release I didn't care much about, and nothing. No. Except updates like these.Psh. Whatev, Pete. Know who has been extremely entertaining recently? Michael Ian Black. Yes. Since updates like " If you wish for it hard enough, does the house vacuum itself? Really regretting firing our leprechaun housekeeper. " make my morning, and make me temporarily forget that my apartment reeks of eggs, salsa, and ketchup due to that breakfast burrito.

So this week should be exciting. I managed to collect all forms that I need to work out this unemployment situation, so that should be an obnoxious yet eventful Monday. From there, I need to print out my spruced up resume somehow, and stick it on everyone's car, or poke a hole through it and hang them on everyone's doors. I've also hired a pair of passenger pigeons to fly them to exotic far away locations (York, Harrisburg). After that, I need to talk to the stupid horrible gym to see if my membership ever transferred over. (It better have! Fist shake!) Then, after a relaxing nap after a series of panhandling and couch change collecting, I need to really focus on what I want to do and what I'd be good at doing.

I don't plan on leeching off of unemployment (being that it all goes through), let me get that clear. That's the worst. I do plan on leeching on the idea that I am not a job. It's a mistake I made in the past before, and with a lot of the things I encounter.

I think one of the best/worst parts about really sudden life changes is that it forces you to look at where your life is really going. It's something that can easily be shoved away due to being too busy before.

Does anyone else remember Dr. Seuss's "My Book About Me"? What an amazing, amazing book. My sister and I both sabotaged ours, both unknowingly since the topic of "Hey, I just destroyed My Book About Me, did you do that too?" never came up much. The book was pretty much an outline as to who you were. A scrapbook of childhood. It included hand-tracing, and "drawing what your nose looked like!" and a list to get autographs including one of a man taller than 6'1" (Thanks, Dad!)

One page included the "What will I be when I grew up?" A page that was erased and added to many, many times. And it's kind of sad that I seemed to have a better idea back then. Of course, back then, actual talent never mattered. It was more about thinking positively about the future, and your role in it.

Some things I remember writing in were "animator" (prior to the Disney shut down), "veterinarian" (before I realized it wasn't just "playing with kittens and puppies!") marine biologist (before I realized it wasn't "playing with the real life Free Willy!") and "second grade teacher". Very specific.

Of course, with a major in comunication/broadcasting, none of these things will actually pan out for me at the moment. But at this point I think I'd rather just channel back into that childhood optimism, and maybe erase and re-enter some ideas once more.

One thing I knew I'd never be good at? Being a hairstylist. My sabotaged Barbies taught me that one.

Hardcore Yorn.

2009-03-04T14:24:00.005-05:00

A long time ago, when I lived in Hershey Heritage, my room had a poster of Pete Yorn. Now, I like Pete. He loves New Jersey, and sings all gravelly, and has a song called "Burrito", so he's good in my book. But in this picture, he was morbidly attractive. He isn't this way in most. But looks are really just a compliment to personality, and although I heard he was kind of a sleazebag, he loves New Jersey. And sings all gravelly. And has a song called "Burrito".

In fact, according to my photobucket account (which is an internet time capsule of memories), the first page - dating back around late 2004 - has this image that I made.

Now, when I list my favorite bands or artists to people, I never really mention Pete. I haven't followed up on his career that much recently. And I have no clue what happened to the poster. Probably ripped down in a sea of moving rage.

So, this Twitter thing I mentioned yesterday. Part of the fun, is that other celebrities have it. And celebrities link to celebrities. Like, David Wain and Rainn Wilson both made an effort to congratulate Jimmy Fallon on that show I mentioned he posts about a ton. And knowing they're e-friends is kind of sweet. Unless it's solely for show, or since for some reason Jimmy Fallon is like the "Tom" of Twitter and will get them more exposure.

I forget who, but someone linked to Pete Yorn. And I'll admit, his twitter isn't really that funny. It's more informative. But here is why he is awesome.

I woke up at 4 AM today with no phone or internet. So I gave into the world and watched about 4 solid hours of Gilmore Girls season 1 in bed. Then I mopped the kitchen floor. And then I fixed my phone, which gave me hope that the world wasn't ending. Since really, what are the chances of both going out at once?

I invited Greg over to help look at my internet during his lunch break, and thanked him for his time with a kickass vegan burrito - which, I myself was shocked to have created based on minimal ingredients and really terrible kitchen mannerisms.

(Exhibit A: Just add water pancakes. Refused to look at amount of water to just be added. Too watery. Plus, I had nothing to mix it with but arm strength and a big spoon. Plus, the concoction fell on the floor. Exhibit B: Apology cookies for Andrew when we got in that station fight. They looked and tasted like baseballs. I think the gesture was apologetic enough, but my coworkers, who got the remainders, claimed they were bruised when the cookies were thrown. Exhibit C: Today. Sliced finger open on can of black beans. Blood not included in burrito. Exhibit D: Something in the future. If only I had pictures, to make these real exhibits.)

Anyway, Greg pinpointed where the problem is, and I called Verizon. After this guy made me unplug and replug things 900 times, this has (obviously) been fixed as well. Of course, I run over to Twitter. What were my friends saying! How many 140 character status updates was I totally late in replying to and viewing?!

And well, that's when I saw that I had one "direct message". Hm. Maybe from my Twitter friends, worrying about my safety due to lack of updates. Maybe Rainn Wilson saw my last blog entry, and feels the same! Maybe he WILL go to the dance with me!

Note. Sent only to me. Pete Yorn sought me out personally, and wanted to let me know about his concert in Boston, which is not near here. And his website! Now I know it! It would have taken me like, hours finding it otherwise.

But, I guess this means that Pete and I are now in love. What will I tell Rainn!?

I also learned via internet re-connect that Dr. Greg - one of the professors I actually remember the readings and coursework for and could somehow find a way to apply it to everyday thought (Don't tell the others, especially in the Journalism department. I mean, we went over the inverted pyramid in every class. Every. Class.) reads/read my blog. So that was pretty neat. And to him, I wish a speedy recovery for his snow-related ankle injury.

I'd also like to recommend to him and others a band that I've started listening to, called Blitzen Trapper. I hate to admit that it takes me awhile to really enjoy and stick with new music, despite my endless search for new music, but their song "Furr" has already been on played 20 times since yesterday via my iTunes. I'm addicted! And they were in Philly 3 days ago, and I missed them.

Who suggested them? Rainn Wilson. Via Twitter.